No sex, gay audiobooks?

[sexprobs]

I've been sitting on posting this for a few weeks.

DP and I haven't had sex for around 2 years, can't place why it stopped or why but prior to this we had a varied, frequent sex life.

I'm disabled, predominantly bedbound and have been for fiveish years. OHs interest just seems to have evaporated, whether that's sexual interest in general or in me I'm unsure.

However, I struggled to get a drink a few weeks ago while OH was in the bath and they'd left a youtube window open, playing a sexually explicit audiobook, a gay sexually explicit audiobook. A cursory history search suggests this isn't a new occurrence either.

I've not confronted, have no idea what to say, if my growing disabilities have implanted dreams of a "better life" for DP with someone else? Am quite sure DP isn't cheating with someone, although there was form in the past with an emotional affair.

We'd spoken a while ago, around the time of my becoming bedbound, about IVF too. I've no idea what to think...

I'm a straight man. I would never listen to gay audiobooks or anything related to man/man sex. Because I am not gay.

I suspect your DP could not say the same.

It could be he's just inquisitive or possibly harbours some bisexual fantasies. I don't necessarily think it makes him gay. Plenty of women look at lesbian porn open and don't want to have sex with other women.

The worrying thing is you've not been intimate for two years and not discussed why.

How are things between you in general? Are you intimate in other ways and is there still affection?

You are carefully gender neutral in your post, OP, are you currently in a same-sex relationship? Because that puts a different slant on 'gay porn', would that not be the same as 'ordinary' porn in a heterosexual relationship? In which case, it depends on your feelings about porn in general.

If you are in a heterosexual relationship, then I'd guess there are feelings underlying which may be complicating things.

You are carefully gender neutral in your post, OP

Exactly.

I wish people wouldn't do that!

Talk to him about it?

I think the ivf comment makes it obvious? Also why bother saying gay porn if they were both gay? It's just porn then surely?

Is your DP a woman? I read gay male romance stories and so do loads of straight and even gay women. It doesn't mean I'm a gay man.

wot They might both be women and one is watching gay male porn?

Listening to gay male porn I meant. And yes, the chief market for m/m fiction (man on man) is the straight female market.

And two women would need some form of fertility treatment to have a baby. On account of both being women.

Gay male romance stories are great and I'm a straight woman.

I'm a more or less heterosexual woman married to a man and I've read all of Sarah Waters, more than once.

Talk to him/her. Have counselling.

I am severely disabled and also bedbound but still have a loving sexual relationship with my husband. Is your partner your main carer? I ask because before I got social services involved and female carers coming in, caring so intimately for me was blurring the boundaries of our relationship and negatively affecting our sex life. If your husband is struggling with being your full time carer then it could be the cause of no sex in your relationship. Saying that, my husband never turned to gay porn, he lost his sex drive due to depression caused by my sudden decline and struggling on his own to look after a severely disabled wife and a toddler and a pre schooler. I am so grateful to live where I do as the Scottish government not only pays for all of my social care, they fund care for me seven days a week meaning that my husband doesn't have to be fully responsible for my personal care. I know this has helped our marriage.

I would talk to your dp, ask about the book, ask why his sex drive has fallen. Don't be scared to talk about the elephant in the room, care is available out there for you, the world will not end if your relationship ends. I knows how scary it is feeling dependent on one person, please contact your local social work adult services department, your dp can ask for a carers assessment. Good luck

I found gay porn on my husband's computer. Turns out he was gay. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...

Sigh, yes I was carefully gender neutral. I'm male, DP is female and she's listening to male gay material.

Well it does make a difference to our advice. She hasn't been lying about her sexuality for years like Lelly's husband: she likes men, just like all the many other straight women who consume and create gay porn of various sorts.

I think it's a red herring, but it might act as a wake up call for you to talk to her about your relationship and sex lives.

NC for this. I don't know about audio books but I'm a straight female who finds gay male porn a turn-on. It may seem weird but the men in gay porn are way sexier than the men in straight porn and there are no women faking being turned on and objectified.

It doesn't sound like the porn is the main problem. It's the lack of sex in your relationship. The only way to move forward on this is to communicate with her.

Seriously NBD. Google slash fiction and you will find thousands of straight women who enjoy reading and writing male/male love stories and erotica. Doesn't mean they are gay (that wouldn't even make any sense)

I'm straight but Queer as Folk was hot! The gender neutral stuff is just confusing. God, some men basically obsess about lesbians.

The lack of sex is an issue. So talk about it.

Apologies for assuming you were female. The advice I gave still applies though, if you don't have care then I would definitely look into it. I would also ask if caring for you has blurred things and changed how she sees you. If your partner has been caring for you on her own for over five years then she may be feeling very depressed, resentful of you and guilty for feeling that resentment. My dh had counselling and it has helped, as has having regular care. Is respite an option? I am a calming influence on our two children, so dh would not cope without me. However if I continue in my current state of health then respite will be something to consider for when our children are older.

I know women who like gay (male) porn, it doesn't make them gay men. I guess there's something very manly about two men 'at it'.

I think the lack of sex is something you need to talk to each other about. Sometimes you can just fall out of the habit, sometimes there are bigger problems. Sometimes it doesn't matter at all if you're both happy being in a companionable but celibate relationship.

Either way, just talk.

Thanks for the great advice. I'm relieved the audio appears to mean nothing but you're all totally right we need to sit down and talk about sex. I know for me, increasing pain levels restrict what I'm able to do/how often, and thinking about things it seems easier to not make the effort to have sex if you've not had it in some time.

Will make sure to sit down and talk. You've all been fab many thanks.