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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Here's a question for you...

22 replies

Snafu · 10/07/2004 12:03

(Regular under a new name.) Here?s a (long) completely hypothetical question for you . Gut reactions, please?

You were in a relationship for, let?s say, five years. Like every other couple, you?ve had your ups and downs, your rows and irritations, maybe the initial gloss has worn off a bit but fundamentally, it?s good. You are friends and lovers, you have loads in common, shared values, you make each other laugh, etc. In fact, as far as you?re concerned, this is The One. Then one day, your dp comes home and tells you that they aren?t sure they are ?in love? with you anymore and they think it?s best if they move out. You are devastated. (Also, you have your suspicions that they may have had a one-night stand just before the relationship ended.)

A couple of months after leaving, dp says they have made a terrible mistake, love you and miss you and want to know if you can both try again. You say no. You love them still, but don?t think you can trust them. You can?t bear the possibility of getting hurt again. Your ?friendship? with dp becomes even more of a sham as each meeting is characterised by dp begging your forgiveness, lots of tears, etc etc. You stand firm and maintain they're untrustworthy and fickle even though you do, in your heart, want them back.

And then, a couple of years after your split, dp gets married and has a baby. And then, dp?s marriage ends. And then, dp comes to you and tells you that they still love you, that they have never gotten over you, that they married on the rebound and they really, really can?t bear being without you. All those feelings you have tried to bury over the last few years come back to the surface. Deep down, you do still have strong feelings for dp. What do you say?

OP posts:
lonelymumof3 · 10/07/2004 12:05

REBOUND ALERT!!!!! I wouldn't.....if he wasn't in love with you when you were in a relationship befpre then how can he be now? Has he actually said he is in love with you now?

happymummy1 · 10/07/2004 12:07

That is tricky,its really hard getting over someone and repairing all that hurt and upset.I think it depends on how strong the feelings are for dp but could you go through all of that upset again,it depends if you can take that chance.
I dont know what i would do i think i would need to be in that position.Sorry if i havent been to helpful.

boudicca · 10/07/2004 12:15

are 'you' in a relationship?have 'you' had a successful relationship since splitting with dp?I think all this will affect the decision making.I know I split with someone when I was v. young and after a year or so they found me and we started a relationship again,I had been v. depressed during the time apart believing I had lost my only love,but after the initial euphoria of being back together I realised I didn't love him half as much as I had imagined,but if I had never seen him again he'd have stayed as 'the one'so the answer to your question has to be see them but don't do anything hasty,really examine your feelings at every step.

gothicmama · 10/07/2004 12:15

Can you be sure of their motives in wanting to revive relationship - ask tem why they left ect. could possible start again but without mention of the past - all parties concerned are probably different people now it would appear the lady is now more powerful than dp altho when he left it was the other way around- does she want to risk her emotional wellbeing on this man

spacemonkey · 10/07/2004 12:18

You surely have to work out how you feel about him first. If you think it might work, start from scratch - go on dates and get to know each other all over again. It might also be an idea to go into relationship counselling to work through all the stuff that has happened since he moved out the first time. I think it would be a terrible idea to just let him move back in and attempt to pick up where you left off.

twiglett · 10/07/2004 12:22

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twiglett · 10/07/2004 12:22

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fairyfly · 10/07/2004 12:26

How long did he split with his wife? Did he ever want to marry you? Why didn't he? I think to even consider it he must have time out alone. If he was still in love with you he shouldn't have been making babies tbh. Saying that though these things happen and people make mistakes and get confused. I know i have.
From experience i got back with my boyfriend from years ago who has always been waiting for me. It lasted two weeks, i was on the rebound and after a couple of days i remembered why it didn't work initially. Really contradicting opininons, follow your heart.

vict17 · 10/07/2004 12:37

And are you willing to have a relationship with his wife and baby?

Snafu · 10/07/2004 12:46

Ok, so to answer a couple of questions. No, there has been no other relationship since dp. And yes, Twiglett, completely (hypothetically) unnattached now. No, cannot be completely sure of motives for reviving relationship, but who can ever be sure of anything?

I guess what I'm asking is, if you both still have feelings for each other are you cutting off your nose to spite your face by not going for it, whatever has happened in the past? Can love conquer all, if you want it to?

OP posts:
juniper68 · 10/07/2004 12:53

Do you have children with ex dp? I'd take it very slowly if so or even if you have kids anyway. I think people deserve a second chance and maybe he's grown up? Ditto dating and make him wait iykwim then you'll know for sure if it's real love or lust. Sorry to be so frank on a Monday morning but this can drive men then when the initial lust wears off they look elswhere. I think if they'll wait and be friends first they're genuine.

Snafu · 10/07/2004 12:54

And, yes, willing to have relationship with child, dp's ex probably won't want to know IYKWIM.

OP posts:
Blu · 10/07/2004 14:18

I'm with Twiglett.

And maybe look for some counselling? You know now that you 'can' manage alone, he seems to have been pretty much consistent with wanting to come back since after the initial blip, but you have (understandable) issues with trust....

Sounds like there really might be too much to throw out with the bathwater.

NomDePlume · 10/07/2004 14:23

Agree that my gut instinct is that he is on the rebound and is looking for something comfortable. If yuo still have strong feelings for him then I would start seeing him as a friend, maybe the odd drink & meal. I would give it plenty of time before I moved the relationship onto couply-kisses (ie not a friendly peck on the cheek to say 'thanks for a lovely night' and anything more physical. You absolutely do not want to get in too deep, too soon and end up with your heart being broken all over again.

NomDePlume · 10/07/2004 14:24

sorry, accidental winky, stupid close-bracket.

Piffleoffagus · 10/07/2004 14:47

This happened exactly to me, I left the country NZ and moved to the UK. He followed afterb 12 months, I made the right decision, love him I do, but not enough to forgive such breaches...
Bless, I hope you're ok...
Are you involved with anyone else or have you been able to become involved? This should let you know how open your heart is, I think if you are considering getting back together, which it soudns like you have thougt about then he needs to spend some time on his own, to prove he can do it and be true to you only...
Big Hugs!

mummytojames · 10/07/2004 14:52

rebound or not if you realy loved me as much as yousay you do you wouldnt have got married in th first place

Thomcat · 10/07/2004 14:55

If I loved him and thought I might always regret never giving it another go, yeah I'd enter into a gentle bout of dating and see what happened.
I'd take it slowly and gently, a couple of dinner dates, no coffee after, perhaps a kiss on the cheek at the garden gate, and see how it went.

You don't know till you try, never say never... and any other cliche you wish to add.

Hypotheticaly - I'd give it a go.

xx

noddy5 · 10/07/2004 14:59

I'd go for it slowly and see.If there were no strong feelings there you wouldn't even be considering it!Life is short and as long as the kids aren't involved too soon it might be worth a go even if it doesn't work out it will finalise things for you

lilibet · 10/07/2004 15:03

I'm with the go for it but slowly people

No point spending your life wondering 'what if'

Good Luck!

twiglett · 10/07/2004 15:07

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Snafu · 10/07/2004 18:36

But mummytojames, if you've been told you won't be forgiven and can't have a second chance at the relationship, what choice do you have but to try and build something with a new person? Are you supposed to stay single for the rest of your life because you made one bad choice years ago?

Thanks everyone - there is a lot here to think about.

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