DH and I are experiencing a low point in our marriage.
First of all, Dh’s business has failed and he has had to go bankrupt. Its genesis involved me giving up work 3 years ago and having to be a SAHM (DC are 4, 2.5 and 10mo) to save money on childcare to start the business. I blame DH for this and if I am honest I have not yet forgiven him for how headstrong he was about starting it in the first place, how sure and cocky he was it would succeed and how dismissive he was about my concerns. Although I technically DID agree with him at the beginning (agreed to him starting the business and all the life changes) which is something he always refers back to when we have the same argument about how we got in this mess: that it was a mutual agreement.
DH says I am a textbook martyr. And I (secretely) agree with him. I am a textbook martyr, because I have gone along with things but privately resented him for them and been generally reluctant and pessimistic.
So on top of the sacrifices I feel my martyr self has had to make by being a SAHM so that he could do his business, I now have to make further sacrifices because his venture has failed and we have to cut back. So just at the time I would have expected the breaks to come off a little, they are now applied even harder. I now have to get a much lower paid job after three years away from my industry (which is one that moves very fast) when really I would have liked to have carried on working and continued to earn the amount I was earning rather than having to catch up now or start again. We will also have to borrow some money from my dparents who are ill, which is always something DH promised me we would never have to do.
DH has been depressed since the business failed and very hard to communicate with. He thinks his reputation is in tatters. He has low tolerance for everything, even the DC. The failure of the business has knocked his self esteem, which again has left me to pick up the pieces and he is very needy for validation and “affection” as he calls it, which basically means he wants me to baby him on top of looking after three other babies. Bring him meals and cuddle him and say ‘there there, you are still great’ which I really just don’t have the capacity to do at the moment due to my longterm resentment.
The climax happened the other night when DH went on a stag do. He came back raging drunk ( a total one-off for him –I have never seen him drunk like this before in our 15 years together.) He returned at 7am, vomiting. I looked at his phone while he was in the bathroom and passing out. I saw that he’d taken the numbers of two women, it transpired, in a nightclub he’d been at (incoming calls around 2am and 3am, presumably so their numbers were logged in his phone.)
Naturally I was incensed and told him I didn’t know if we could stay together. When he sobered up he apologized and said that he’d lost all his inhibitions with the booze and the stag group had got chatting with several groups of women and he’d got talking to these two women (separately at different points in the night) and he’d ended up giving them his number. That he was feeling very low and wanted some validation. He wasn’t really sugar coating it to me. He said he was just open and chatty and drunk and then when they were suggestive and leaving the club, it seemed like the natural next thing to do, to take their numbers.
When I looked at his phone, I looked at everything: all email addresses, wats app, texts, apps, internet history, call logs, facebook messaging, instagram. There was nothing else incriminating, which said to me that there was nothing ongoing, infidelity wise. I had it all night while he was passed out.
He showed me several wats app chats the next day with the other stags and people around at the time to prove that he was where he said he was and what he actually said happened. There are chats just before he came home, timestamped, to relevant times “Who is that girl you are talking to?” “Dunno. She just asked for my number, but she's leaving."
So although I can never be 100% sure, I am 80% sure that he is just a minor cunt rather than a major cunt and can't be trusted when drunk (or can't be trusted at all?)
But, even after this semi infidelity, or bad intention, or whatever I want to label it as (I don’t even know at the moment) I have lost so much respect for him, and I find him so weak, that I’m finding it all hard to come back from.
He has promised to stop drinking. He has promised constant access to his phone. He has promised that it will never happen again. 
I feel like I am holding everything up. The loss of identity from unwillingly giving up my job, giving birth, breastfeeding and caring for three tiny DC, supporting a bankrupt DH, my ill parents, the pressure of having to get a job now which pays for childcare AND helps repay our debt, plus the public humiliation of DH picking up women at this stag do (this was a family/close friend’s wedding and all the stags were related and/or married to my close friends!) I am in a place I never wanted to be. And a place I would never have chosen to be.
I want to feel we can come back from this. Can we? How?