I have name changed for this. I hope it is not too long.
My DH & I have been together more than 10 years, one DC aged around 9. We knew each other years before marrying and were close good friends.
Our problems have been long-standing and various. I feel that I have tolerated and been part of an unhealthy dynamic between us, that has gradually only got worse, gradually obscuring, sadly, more and more the good bits, reaching the point that last year and this year there are hardly any good bits at all, our sex life has dwindled to nothing, and we are from this week sleeping in separate bedrooms and I only talk to him in a polite manner for the basic routines of the day.
Main problem areas are:
--I think my DH has longstanding depression or may have mild autistic traits (never diagnosed) & certainly intense anxiety. He does not recognise any of this & usually explains his behaviour & restrictions as a reaction to various life stresses.
--As a consequence of the above, DH earns really little even though he's professionally trained, and that is a bit source of difficulty. I end up working much more than full time (full time employed work plus self employed) to over-compensate.
This has led, more and more, to me 'infantilising' him and him becoming more reliant on me, me in charge of all bills etc. Even though on average he does end up paying half of our basic bills plus a bit more, in reality, he just adds the money to our joint account WHEN he is paid, meaning that some months it's more, other months very little, and I don't know what to expect, and end up working very very hard to have extra money. He gets angry when I try to discuss this and I think he genuinely doesn't feel he could do anything further. He does contribute in other ways though, looking after our DC, doing drop offs, pick ups etc and being very close to DC. We generally work 'shifts'ie I work in mornings, get home 5.30, then he leaves for work & returns 9.30 pm, by which point I'm in bed.
--because of all the above, I think I end up being very irritated with him most of the time. That has got worse & worse over the years.
The worst bitwhich I feel the most ashamed of for tolerating--is that sometimes the arguments (particularly this year) lead to him totally losing it and becoming threatening, shouting, crying etc. The trigger is always the same: he freaks out with the idea of separating from me & DC. He has not ever hit me but this last week threatened me, shouted a lot so neighours could hear & scared DC in a way that he hasn't done before. So it's escalating.
I want to stress that I know I have been part of this very complex relationship which as I said has many parts to it. I have tolerated & indulged various bad behaviours (for a number of reasons). Not just bad behaviours on his part, but on mine too.
I also want to stress that I have tried talking & talking about these problems but that simply hasn't worked. The cycle of these outbursts just keeps happening, and actually the more trapped I feel, the worse they have been as I think he senses I am reaching my limits.
Since last sunday I have requested that we sleep in separate rooms & & have basically stopped talking to him. He has not really acknowledged what happened, I genuinely think (mad as it seems) that he has no idea how hurtful and scary his outbursts are. I don't think he gets it. Instead, he has sent me a couple of emotional short texts that serve to irritate me further. To them I've responded that I need time and space & can't really speak. He has respected this so far.
I feel distraught. I have never, over these years, left the family home despite my pain after each cycle of arguments. I have not even left our joint bedroom, so this is a huge step for me.
This man used to be my best friend and someone I have loved very much. I feel terribly guilty in entering into this awful 'mother-child' relationship with him, not setting clear boundaries over the years, and always just believing it will somehow just get better.
Where do I start in thinking about what to do? Ideally I would want him to move out for a couple of months so that I can clear my head as I feel traumatised. But I have not asked him and he won't do it unless he is dragged out (plus can't afford it). I have a small hope that with a proper period of separation (even if in the same home) he will finally grow up to a degree and start understanding certain things. He has a decent and thoughtful side to him, and many good aspects including in relationship with DC, but due to intense anxiety and other MN problems he ends up behaving in what, I am ashamed to say (and to have accepted) can only be called an abusive way. And I am not tolerating it anymore. But feel terribly sad & need support & thoughts please.
Could I ask, please don't go down the route (if you can) of 'divorce the bastard'. He is not a bastard, he has many genuintely good sides to him, he is however behaving in an abusive manner whenever separation is mentioned. And even if we do end up divorcingwhich I am finally seeing we may, if I want the outbursts / violence to endit will need time for me to accept it / work towards it. So be gentle!