Advice going back to an ex

[roselover11]

So me and my boyf of 2.5 yrs split up on Feb. Since then I thought I didn't want him back - I even jumped into a new relationship
That has turned bad and I'm back single but I've since contacted my ex as I really miss him and what we had
We split as he had anger issues which got too much for me
Since him trying to get me back for a while saying how he's changed, he loves me and misses me and wants us to try again since him giving me the space I've asked for as I've felt I just needed some alone time I'm starting to feel like I could give him another chance
We've met up twice and at the moment we are just talking things through and for the first time I really feel he's listening and understanding all the things we split up over we have talked through and feels like we have addressed
Has anyone gone back and got any advice ?
No one cheated, there was no violence he just was over worked over stressed and basically took me for granted and I felt lonely and unloved
Which now he is saying he deeply regrets
I told him I was in a 6 week relationship with someone else and he said he couldn't have ever imagine him
Not being ok with that if someone said to him this would happen he would say he couldn't accept it but he said he feels the opposite ?!
I think I would hate it ?!
As I say we are taking things very slowly but just needed to talk it though from people with non biased opinion
Thank you

Never go back. If things were bad enough to end it once, you can bet your bottom dollar nothing will have changed

Going to back to an ex is like reading a book you've already read, you know how it ends...

Never go back. An ex is an ex for a reason. No such thing as unfinished business. A leopard never changes its spots. And a million other cliches.

From someone who has been there done it and got the t-shirt. Multiple t-shirts actually. Trying again even after divorce.

Love does not conquer all unfortunately. It will be beautiful, you'll feel on top of the world, you'll love him more than you ever did. But about 6 months in, the old behaviours will return.....and you'll wish you'd listened to Mumsnet.

Crack on...you know you'll do it! 😂. We all make the same mistakes and sometimes we have to learn the hard way. Good luck 💋

I've actually got a positive going back story. I split with my dh after similar things to you. No cheating but anger issues plus drug/alcohol abuse. I moved away after it all escalated and got really bad one night and sorted a place of my own. We are now back together in my (rented) house and we are so happy. He knows my tolerance for shit is low and that he's lucky to be allowed back into our lives. He's really changed and appreciates me and dd more than ever.

I know it's not popular to say but I think men can change. Good luck

2.5 years and anger issues, making you feel unloved and unappreciated - in other words, his mask slipped and you started to see the real him, I'd not waste another 2.5 years on someone that made me feel like that, it's very rare for people to change, people who clearly have issues and are not actually whole enough to be able to sustain a LTR, you'd be better find someone much nicer, he does not sound nice.

I'd only ever consider if they agreed to counselling jointly and individually for what ever the issue was. But that wouldn't nec mean it was on, I'd see how the counselling went.

Never go back! It ended for a reason. I went back, guess what? He was the same person he had always been. You ex is the same man he was in February. You say it was stress that made him act how he did. Do you think there will be no more stresses in the rest of your life? There will and he will behave the same because that's who he is and you allow him too by excusing it as stress. Is that what you want until the day you die? I doubt it. You're just missing what you were use do to. That doesn't mean it was good, just that it was what you were used to. Time will help with that.

He's saying he's changed.
Of course he has.
He hasn't had you as a verbal punching bag for a few weeks.
He will soon start again once he has you back.

Hmm that's the thing he has had councilling and I am having it as a separate matter as I want to address some of the issues I have
Just feel speaking to someone will help me move on either way
He has agreed to councilling together but at the moment I'm happy with separates ones as we have slightly different reasons - his is anger management which he is dealing with
It wasn't all bad in 2.5 yrs don't get me wrong - there were a few bad times and my expectations are high so although no abuse is acceptable I wouldn't take it anymore
He knows that and he does seem deeply sorry
I guess I have to do what feels right and this does but it's nice to get people's opinion and one positive is good as I know it's rare for people to change
My councillor agreed that people can change but they have to want to and have things in place to support them which he does
I will take things very slowly anyway as I feel it's the only way

Don't let him move back in with you please.

We weren't living together
But he spent most evenings with me so it felt like we were
We had looked into it before we split up
I'm not excusing his stress it was just a factor but not an excuse
I would live as I am at least until next year minimum
He has his own place and IF I did give it another go things would be very different

Make a promise to yourself and mean it, that if he treats you badly even once more, you won't make any excuses and you will cut him dead. Please.

High standards expecting someone not to frighten or intimidate you? No, just normal standards.

OP, he probably is sorry, point is it's very unlikely he will change his personality.

Another one saying never go back. You will both slide back into old habits without even realising it.

Oh I definitely would
Make a promise to myself and ground rules that's the beauty of starting again
And knowing the good side of him as he also has amazing qualities x

Could you say more about his anger problems ? What caused him to be ' stressed ' and what did he do ?

Did he have anger management problems at work and socially ?

When we met he told me he had anger management after his failed marriage, left in a bit of debt, (£48k) rounds of unsuccessful ivf and having to move back with his mum
He worked practically every single day to pay the debt back so he could be in a position to buy a house again as he gave all the equity to his wife when they divorced. As a result I didn't and we didn't have much quality time and I took the role on doing everything which in the end took it toll and when I tried to talk to him he didn't seem to listen
It's taken me to finish it and I honestly didn't think I'd want him back but time away as made me think
He says he's willing to do anything so I've said we can see each other 1 night a week as that's the only time I'm without my lo and we TALK which he has accepted.
The things he used to do was get short with me, be miserable and had a short temper
He said that now he is pretty much debt free he doesn't need to work every day and now has weekends off
He says he now realises it's me and lo he wants ( he was always sooo good with her one of the reasons why I fell in love with him )
I supported him through starting up a business which I also helped where I could and now he said he feels so much better, less stressed and is getting help

You need to have changed as well though. Otherwise the dynamics just revert back to how they were. There will always be stressful times.

My advice? Don't.

I've been there. I went back and married him. Worst decision of my life.

My advice is don't do it. There is a reason you split up in the first place.

From what you've said I don't think it will work

I think I have changed too, I feel different and sometimes time away does that to you
Of course there will be stressful times, that's life.
Well thanks everyone
I shall definitely keep you all posted as it will be interesting to see how it works out
I just don't want to not give it a go as I know I will regret and always wander and if I was wrong to go back then I shall move on with my life, as I was rock bottom when we split and I'm only now starting to feel like myself again and not depending on anyone. I feel strong and know I won't take any crap or let it bring me down like it did before
Maybe even I'm a better person
I just think life's too short to be unhappy xx

Life is also too short to waste on someone who is not right for you, someone who is making you make too many compromises. It sounds to me like you are trying to make the best of a bad lot because you fear the alternative. Search the term fallacy of sunk costs on this site and elsewhere.

Speaking from experience I can assure you there is always another person better for you if you will only go and look.