Don't know which way to go

[Reachingout1]

Hi all. Hoping to get some kind advice.
I've been with my oh for 9 years and we have a 2.5 dd.
I have always known he wasn't the 1 for me but to cut long story short felt like I had no where else to turn other than to stay with him, I was 16 when we got together and no real family around me so naturally clung onto him.
He doesn't want to get married nor have any more children. I would like to do both!
There had been no way of convincing him and quite frankly I don't want to anymore because I've fallen out of love with him.
So I obviously need to get out, but it's not easy. He has faults and can be quite hot headed. we had a chat a few weeks ago and I said how I feel with the lack of respect and attention. But felt he deserved another go for the sake of our daughter and him but I can't feel different. I know the times lurking that it's going to end but I'm so nervous, I've got an anxious feeling in my gut already and nothing has happened. I've never been by myself. But now I've got a baby girl who I adore to think and care of too.
I'm not too sure why I've posted and obviously there is a lot more to this than I've put but if anyone can give me advice or tell me of similar situations that may help then please comment. Thank you so much.

You've posted because this is an understandably huge decision for you and you need some help getting the confidence to go with making what you know to be the right decision.

Just because you are terrified of the massive change, of the big mountain climb, it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. I think you sound like you are made of strong stuff from the little you have written. It is like a bungee jump, and you are standing at the top now looking down.

You don't have to rush. Think through the individual practical things that are worrying you, and find a solution to those one by one. List them here if you need to. But don't pretend to yourself that staying might be the right thing to do, it is prolonging the agony and wasting your life further. It will be a much easier affair separating now rather than a couple of years down the line.

Being alone is WONDERFUL.
And you are a youngster. You have bags of time to find someone who respects and loves you, with whom you can have another child.

If he is not right for you then he is not right for you. Also you got together at a very young age and in not ideal circumstances either (your home life at that time was neither great nor stable and perhaps saw this man as an escape from all that). Did anyone ever bother to show you what a mutually relationship is; probably not and you still do not know. This relationship that you describe now is not healthy at all. There are also problems citing his lack of respect towards you and importantly you are no longer in love with him.

If you want marriage and or children it will not be to this man. He has told you as much and he is not likely to change his mind going forward either.

Staying with him also teaches your child damaging lessons on relationships and prevents you from moving on without him. No-one should stay in a relationship simply for the sake of the child; that teaches the child that their parents relationship was based on a lie and is a terribly heavy burden to give them. It also shows her that a loveless relationship is her "norm" too.

Its not the legacy you want to leave your DD: he can still be a parent to her as well when you and he are apart.

Rip off the plaster now and make a life for yourself and your child without him in it day to day. You can and will manage without him. You're 25 now, do not be in this same situation when you are 26.

There are literally thousands and thousands on single mothers out there.
Whether that be through choice some something we just had to do, it happens.
And we've all come out the other side.
It's scary as hell to begin with.
But you get your routine in place and you find you absolutely can cope.
And in fact you and your DD flourish without a knob-head to look after as well.
It's the unknown but it's also pretty exciting as well.

Have a look into what it would all look like without him.
Get onto CAB and find out what benefits, housing, tax credits etc... you are entitled to.
Also understand how much maintenance he would pay and then see how it looks.
Don't 'settle'. You get one shot at this life.
Enjoy it to the fullest.
I'm sure that's the advice you would give your DD when she's older.

Thank you all for your advice. I know the 3 of you who have taken your time ( which is greatly appreciated) all have said the truth! I know this and I'm pretty sure he does. He said he's happy to go as we are but I'm not. I want more. Just shit scared of being alone! I am excited about future possibilities but my way of life is not going to be the same again and I don't know how I'm going to mentally cope with that. X

Your way of life will be better. You will have a transition period which will be bumpy, no doubt, but then it will be better. Infinitely, infinitely better. And surely a year or so of bumpy is better than decades of grimness.

I don't know what come over me last night but I sat oh down and told him how I felt, without saying its over in so many words.
He was complexity surprised and didn't expect it at all which has made me feel awful. He hasn't got anywhere to go until he finds a place. I've told him I can't be sure if I want him until I've lost him / he goes if that makes sense.
I've woken this morning with such a horrible feeling inside me and I feel like ive made the worst decision of my life. Is this normal??

Sounds very understandable to me. Well done for last night & hats of to you for tackling it head on. I imagine most people have that 'what have I done' feeling in the immediate aftermath - but that doesn't mean it isn't the right decision.
You said what you said last night because it was what you wanted. Ignore the doubts, that is just your fear of change coming through, not anything to do making a mistake. Spend some time thinking through old memories of bad times and how the relationship has made you feel.