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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please remind me it gets easier

6 replies

Fieryfighter · 05/06/2017 13:47

My close friends have a lot of stuff going on on their lives right now and I don't want to bang on to them so need someone to remind me it will be ok as I can't stop crying.

Split up with my boyfriend last year after a very difficult year, I knew it was the right decision despite still loving him. Since he left we've kept seeing each other every couple of months, had lovely weekends together but never discussing what we were doing really, both very clear we still love each other and it felt like we were taking some needed time apart.

I finally said we needed to talk about what we were going to do as I knew it was overdue and he'd obviously made a lot of changes in himself to address the problems we'd had. He worked on his anger issues, got hobbies which improved his well being, even took up one of my favourite sports and really tired to change.

Upshot of the conversation was that whilst he loves me (and I him) and that I wasn't the problem he just doesn't feel he can live in this small town anymore. He never liked living here as much as I do as he'd felt he'd 'done' his time here and can't face the thought of moving back. I can't move because of my kids schooling plus I love it here but yes, it is a bit back of beyond.

We said goodbye the other day and I'm literally in bits, I keep crying and remembering all the wonderful times (rose tinted specs I know I know) and re-reading our messages and I'm just so so devastated. Its clear that I hadn't greived the relationship before I guess.

I love him to bits, and I'm just devastated, I truly thought we'd end up together and I'm just heartbroken. I know there are so many worse things going on in the world and it will get better, please just talk me down a bit!!!

OP posts:
Holdingonbarely · 05/06/2017 13:52

I think you're right in that you hadn't let yourself grieve the relationship yet. Holding onto hope stops you.
Not grieving is sort of holding onto hope.
And letting go of hope is the hardest thing in the world.
No wise words other that I know how you feel and letting yourself grieve is probably the only way.
Sometimes it doesn't matter how much we love someone, it's just not meant to be.
Sending youFlowers

Fieryfighter · 05/06/2017 14:10

Holdingonbarely thank you

I've literally just been sobbing brushing my teeth, I feel so pathetic!

The only saving grace is the kids don't know and haven't seen me crying at all (so just about keeping it together although I literally went back to bed after the school run and have only just got up)

OP posts:
Holdingonbarely · 05/06/2017 14:34

Hopefully that will help! Having to keep yourself together for them.
And everything gets easier in the end. We are human and we do survive
X

whatsmyname2017 · 05/06/2017 16:06

Sending you Flowers OP. If it helps in any way, I am feeling the exact same at the moment. Just ended a 16 year relationship because I couldn't tolerate his behaviour anymore (long story). I've literally given up so much ending things but its for the right reasons.
However, since he has moved out of the family home, I am in bits. Never thought I'd feel like this. I'm obviously grieving for the relationship. Everything in the house reminds me of him, everything I do reminds me of him and I can't imagine my future.
Its weird because I don't want him back but I'm really struggling with feeling like this. I know it will get better with time but this is horrendous.
I can't offer any words of wisdom, and nothing anyone says will change how you feel. Just take each day at a time. I cried about 5 times yesterday but only once so far today so I guess thats a bit of progress!

Fieryfighter · 05/06/2017 17:06

Flowers for you too whatsmyname it's awful isn't it? It does oddly give me some comfort hearing your story as I feel as alone. I don't want to go on to my friends add I'm sure they're thinking "but they broke up last year!?"

I literally can't stop thinking of him so I'm trying to remember the bad bits but of course I then remember the good stuff and off I am wailing again.

Lost count of the number of times I've cried today. I'm also having a total freak out at starting again at very nearly 44!! Full on panic mode on between crying.

Yes... It is horrendous x

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 05/06/2017 17:36

I'm 41 so similar in age. I did do something today which helped me a little bit. I wrote a list of all the bad things in the relationship, all the things he did that were bad, all the things I hated about him. It was a long list. Its easy to cling on to the good things to cloud your judgement.
I think for me, I can't get over feeling sorry for him. Even though he treated me badly. I think I've been so used to seeing him as a certain type of person, now he is looking a bit sad and desperate and that's what I struggle with as I'm not used to seeing him like this.
Feel free to come on here to vent, moan or just for some hand-holding support. It has helped me immensely! x

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