I have a problem dealing with arguments from my mother. She and I have never had a good relationship, I am the eldest of three and growing up things were difficult and with constant fights where she would often blow things out of proportion or rally other members of the family whenever expressing her anger towards me, which I would find utterly humiliating. This behaviour hasn’t really ended. It could range from anything; not doing too well at school to not going out with friends (I was being bullied at the time) to not helping her enough or fighting with my younger siblings. She would often get angry towards me with incidents that were out of my control, for example she once had an argument with a builder and blamed me because a few days earlier I had “upset her” (in reality it was her who, out of the blue, said to my siblings that I was a slut for having had loads of boyfriends. When I confronted her on this she exploded) If I did well there was little in way of praise or she may occasionally just laugh at my achievements. My dad would often take her side.
Anyway I am now and adult with a child. My husband works away from home most of the time and I am living with my parents and the rest of my family. My child is a toddler and a handful but my husband and I are saving to buy a decent place so hopefully it won’t be for long.
My problem is that I keep making the same mistake in asking my mother to help with my child. It is often always met with a grievance. More often than not she doesn’t look after the child, she might step in if I am running an errand for her, but if I have to go to work she just refuses, let alone look after her if I am going out with friends. My sibling has a baby and she makes quite a bit more effort in minding their child and doesn’t mind if the babies stuff is strewn around the house. With my child it is a completely different matter. You would have thought that by now I would have gotten used to this pattern of behaviour but the fights still happen and I am always left feeling utterly destroyed. Nowadays I feel exhausted and sad and can’t concentrate. Part of the problem is that when I ask her for help she will either swear at me or act as though I’m trying to swindle her. She often accuses me of dumping my child on her and if I’m late from work (which is work and not me spending time having a lark about) she will recruit other members of the family to reprimand me.
The sad thing is I do still love my family and want to remain close to them. This last year has been difficult with one of my siblings suffering from a serious medical condition which required hospitalisation for some weeks. I was there, to support my mother the whole time, even staying awake the whole night on several occasions to accompany her to hospital with my sibling. On one occasion at a meeting with a specialist she suddenly turned on me and verbally attacked me (in front of the clinician) for being “too bossy”. it turned into a character assassination and she just wouldn’t stop, even when I burst into tears and the clinician had to step in to ask her to. But why am I surprised when these incidents happen again and again? She has no filter and I have had many experiences of her humiliating me to the point of tears and it doesn’t matter who is around. I just can’t seem to move on.
I just want to get out of feeling so upset when fights happen. I am on antidepressants and I have sought counselling for work related anxiety, but I just can’t bring myself to talk about my difficult relationship with my family to a counsellor. My husband is aware, but there is little he can do. And I can’t bring myself to talk to any of my friends about this. I just want to learn some coping skills until the three of us move out. I know a lot of people will say that I have to leave this environment for the sake of me and my child, and I am working on it, but for now I just want to avoid arguments and stop feeling so sad when my mother hurts me.