Seduced by a fantisy

[1DAD2KIDS]

So basic background. Wife left me with two young kids for another man and moved 100 miles away. This relationship failed with the other man failed. She is now alone with not a great life. We have completed our divorce now.

I have been quite clear with myself that she can't be trusted, I don't love her anymore and she can never return to the family home. I have dated and currently enjoy a couple of good non-monogomus friendships. I have a good life (as much as you can as a single parent). I have great personal freedom and having in a way a better social life as a single parent than I did married (all be it with less free time). So all should be good?

The trouble is my ex now decides she wants to return and give things ago again. She says she was in a dark place back then and thought the grass was greener. She said she regrets not trying to make things work and jumping ship when things got difficult for her. She says she still has feelings for me. She tell me she'd never do it again.

The trouble is after everything I said to myself about not wanting her back in a million years I am finding my self seduced by the idea of having my lovely family back complete. Just like one of those Hollywood kids movies were the kids parents rediscover that after all those years they still love each other and become a family again. I hate the kids missing out on having their mum around. I miss being a family. I no longer love my ex but I loving the idea of being a family again. And yes it would be cool to have the wife I once loved so dearly, a sole mate to be with me through thick and thin. I would give all for that but I guess deep down I know this is just a fantisy.

Also I hate the hurt it is causing my ex dispite it being of her own making. It's little things sometimes, like just seeing the joy in her face when see comes to my house and sees our cat. I know she really does miss living with me, the kids and the cat. We have a good life, a good home and she shut her self out of it. Her life is pretty rubbish.

So what do I do. I know she's miniulative. I know she may just be pulling the right strings to suit her own needs. Should I just call this a non-starter? I don't trust her not to hurt me again. She is a fairly compulisve lier. I am inside still angry at her. We get on fine and see each other a fair bit when she come to see the kids/collects/drops off, family occasions and some holidays together with the kids (plus she kept me company at a&e yesterday with my bad foot). The trouble is after all this time i saw yesterday a couple of the little things that attracted me to her in the first place, like that smile of hers. I never thought I would notice these things again and that worries me.

So do I make sure I keep the lid closed on this one or should I take some time to share with my ex alone and see where it goes? Do I owe it to my kids to at least see if could rediscover each other. I mean I very much doubt it could ever work how ever much she wants it because I can forgive but after seeing her true colours I sort of want someone better and more worthy if that makes sense. But the dream of having my family back as it was before all this madness is a huge draw. One that is very powerful. I hate the kids missing out on their mum being around. On the other hand both of them are really doing well with me. I am proud of them and they are achieving so much. Also can I really risk her doing this to me and the kids again maybe 5 yeara down the line? Why am I having this wobble? Things were going so well.

Can you honestly say that if she suddenly met someone else who had a bit of money, and she fancied, she wouldn't be gone.

It would be sod you and the kids, and you know it. She will hurt you, she will hurt her kids, she's a user.

I too have often read your threads and while I know that there are two sides to every story, the facts speak for themselves on yours.

As the saying goes, bullies are usually being bullied by someone else.
In this case you were in an abusive relationship by some one who was in an abusive relationship.

Why would you want such a relationship again? Move on mate. No one on Mn can change your mind about what you want. Think of your children and not how life will be easier for you.

This is what this post has come down to. All the positive is about me me me. How about the happiness and wellbeing of the children who cannot defend themselves?

Why would you want them think that what their mother did was ok and they can let their partners in the future walk all over them? Plus abuse them because they can put up with it so why not take.

Stop being a selfish.

Have you been waiting for her to comeback and is that the reason why your other relationships didn't work?
Ask your self that.

I wouldn't as the fall out a second time would be beyond horrendous.

You are still Plan b

She wants to use you because you can offer an escape to the rut she's gotten herself into. If you were foolish enough to let her back in she'll be back to being the nasty, manipulative, abusive person she has always been and will make your home a misery until she meets another man she can run off with.

There is no happy ending with this woman. If you want a partnership, someone to love and live with then see less of the fuck buddies and get dating to find a serious relationship. There are plenty of loving, kind women out there. Find one of them.

Don't be a weak little fool. You have created a happy environment for your kids, don't let this toxic woman invade and destroy that. See the reality, the fantasy never existed in reality.

So you were the best thing to ever happen to her.
YES but she still cheated and screwed you over and left you with the kids to live her drama out.
She seeks drama.
You will take her back, she'll get bored and cheat again and run off again.
It's a given.

Eh, I'm Irish, I don't beat the Shit out of people who ' wind me up '

She's abusive, you were clearly in an abusive relationship. Why on earth would you want to put yourself and those kids back into that??

She's a nasty piece of work, and you seriously need to work on your self esteem.

You never had a wonderful partner or family. You had a lying, violent cheat.

Set some boundaries between you both. Maybe do the Freedom programme ( not sure if this is open to men though)

Please think of your children.

Things you know about this woman:
Manipulator
Liar
Cheat
Violent ("fiery Irish temperament"... Jesus wept. She is a fucking criminal. Give your head a shake, for Christ's sake.)
Controlling and isolating
Walked out on you

I can't actually believe that you are OK with her assaulting you because she is Irish. What is wrong with the way you think about the world? Please listen to yourself?? You are considering allowing this dreadful person into your home, your daily life, because SHE has decided it's a good idea?

Your poor children! Please, grow up and work on your self esteem, your children are watching your every move and they will live the life you teach them to live!

I can understand the temptation of having your family back together. Being a single parent is hard and the idea of someone once again sharing the load may seem like the best option. But...

She only decided she wanted you back once her relationship fell apart. You're her fall back. She's been violent to you, unfaithful and moved 100 miles away from her children as she obviously deemed her new relationship more worthy of her time than her children. It's like anything in life, sometimes things can be repaired - it may not be the same but it still works. And sometimes things are damaged beyond repair, this seems like one of those time.

I'm a single parent too and you seem to have a much better handle on it than me. You're doing just fine without her.

I will add to this that if you allow this violent woman back into your home you are failing to protect your children. You don't trust her, she won't like that, you'll argue, your kids will see and hear this!!! I'm sure it is sad when they have to say goodbye but put yourselves in their little shoes when they lay in bed upstairs listening to you arguing. Imagine how alone and frightened they will feel. They will remember it FOREVER!! It's a disastrous idea, truly

The man didn't rip your marriage apart, your ex did that all by herself.

I have been in your position, exH left me for someone else and when it didn't work out with her he wanted to come back to me. I was stupid enough to have him back and I mainly did it for Dd. 2 years later and I discover he is cheating on me with someone else and off he went again. Please don't make the same mistake as me, poor dd had to go through her dad leaving twice. Since then (6 years ago now) I have stayed on good terms with exH for dds sake but she has realised on her own what a twat he is!

Don't . Even. Consider it. You're in a better place now. Put your kids and yourself first now and always - don't let her play with you and the kids feelings again. If you're at all tempted, write down and remember all the hurt she put you all through. Be strong. Best of luck .I really hope you'll make the right decision for you and your kids future.

The fact she left her children for another man speaks volumes. Unless she had pnd or a my issue then it slacks of someone who'd do anything to serve herself. I don't think any normal woman would leave her kids over a man.

I needed a reality check. I know its foolish to even consider this. Especially considering as divorces go and post divorce arrangements go things could be much better. She was very reasonable over the divorce, we get on very well and I do enjoy many new freedoms. But likewise I do not regret my marriage. We had many good times, made great kids and were very close once. It is a very hard thing to lose. So when someone offers you a way to make it go away its tempting to at least stick your toe in and see were it goes. But in reality I know its a flawed idea. I know what we had is dead, gone forever. To try to revive it would end up like one of those horror movies were someone tries to bring a loved one back from the dead only to find an evil satanic creature occupying the body of the person. Plus I have little faith despite her promises she wouldn't do it again (maybe even emboldened by the fact I took her back once).

Just for the record I know on paper she sounds a nasty piece of work and some have been quite clear on this but you don't know her like I know her, you do not have my perspective on things. She's not horrible. She is very insecure about her self (masked a lot behind bravado and a tough demeanour), venerable, immature in some ways and has a troubled childhood and past. She was my best friend, she was the one who was there for me in some of the darkest moments in my life (obviously excluding this), She stood by me during all those deployments and hardships and what kept me going, she made me laugh, bought me joy and cared for me. To her credit she did not cause trouble or screw me over on the divorce. She has been reasonable since we split. Yes she has had problems with her anger management, Yes she has stuck me and thrown a thing or two at me in the past, yes she has proved self destructive. I honestly think she has real issues loving her self. It saddens me that as her husband I failed to save her from her self. She had more problems I think than I knew back then or was equipped to handle. She was very good at masking her real problems and rubbish at talking about them. I think I understand her more now than I ever did. And that understanding how ever it makes me sad also makes me know I can never have her back because I know she'll do it again. But I do care about her, she is not a monster.

Cricrichan and yes there is a fair chance she had PND with both our kids.

Maybe start counselling and getting her back on her feet. Once she has choices, if she wants you and if you want her then it might work out.

But no commitment yet. She needs to sort these issues she has first, otherwise you'll end up in the same place. And there's no guarantee that even if she were to sort her issues out that you'd love her again.

I agree with everyone else but there is one really big reason why you shouldn't even consider trying again - YOUR KIDS.
I'm just recently separated from a 16 years relationship with 2DC. I'm going through absolute hell at the moment and it would be the easiest thing in the world to tell him I've made a mistake, lets try again. BUT, I would never ever do that to my kids. They are dealing with the separation quite well so to turn round and say "actually, we're now getting back together again" would not be good for them because I know deep down, the same problems would still be there and it still wouldnt work.
Please just think of the kids!

Don't do it.

You should put your kids first, DO NOT get back with her.

You don't love her. It's simple.

I remember posting on your previous threads. I thought then you sounded like a decent man.

I think the truth is that you don't deserve each other. She doesn't deserve your kindness. You don't deserve her drama. You've already been her rescuer once. It didn't work then, it won't work now.

You have the makings of what many separated couples don't - a decent chance at co-parenting. Forget about her as a potential partner for the future. All she can be in your life is a decent mother for your dc. She owes them that at least.

Sorry, just don't let her back.
I really appreciate how you feel, I do too on occasions with my marriage, and that 25 years or more has been 'wasted'.
She has lied and cheated and will mess up your kids, say 'NO' for them.

She's not horrible. She is very insecure about her self (masked a lot behind bravado and a tough demeanour), venerable, immature in some ways and has a troubled childhood and past. She was my best friend, she was the one who was there for me in some of the darkest moments in my life (obviously excluding this), She stood by me during all those deployments and hardships and what kept me going, she made me laugh, bought me joy and cared for me. To her credit she did not cause trouble or screw me over on the divorce. She has been reasonable since we split. Are you being guilt tripped for something she did for you years ago?
Or are trying to be the savour. Just remember you are not Jesus. You are human. Who can get hurt, who can influence their children and offer security for them in a stable functioning home.

She was very good at masking her real problems and rubbish at talking about them. I think I understand her more now than I ever did. Best friends don't hide things from each other. She might be your best friend but not to her. She could not open up to her. All you are doing is guessing and giving excuses to why her behaviour was like. Lots of people have PND not all become violent abuser.

Sit down and ask yourself what you want out of posting on Mn. I think we are not giving you what you want.

Mate, seriously, don't do this. ShatnersWig has it right.

Plus the Irish = lairy thing is a crap excuse.

You seem to have her up on a pedestal yet she did one of the most despicable things.

Sorry but if she really cared about you, and loved you, she would let you move on. It sounds like she is trying to weasel her way back in by giving you the sob stories and making you feel guilty. Reminding you of what you once had and being the partner you always wanted.
Getting back with the 'family' is to suit her, and her alone. She's not thinking of you or your DC. She is in a bad place and looking for a way out.
I hope to god you don't take her back.