Feel stupid asking this but how do you actually separate??

[runningLou]

I also posted this in Divorce/Separation but there doesn't seem to be much traffic so re-posting if that's ok?

Not to drip feed, 4 years ago I had an affair. DH found out, allowed me to stay and we have been together for the DC more or less since then. During that time we have moved house to be nearer my family, changed jobs etc. Both of us have also suffered MH issues e.g. anxiety, stress too.
I am now finding myself feeling trapped as DH seems to suspect my every move. I know this is completely my fault due to what I did in the past but I don't know what to do about it. I've recently lost some weight and met some new friends in a running club so have been messaging them. DH is extremely anxious about this. I know it's understandable. I just feel like there is no trust there.
I would like to separate but realistically have no idea how it would work out. We have 2 DC, 6 and 10. I would like them to stay in the family home if possible. Since we had the DC I have worked part-time (previously higher earner) and done all child care. I would like to keep doing this. The house is in both our names.
I earn so little that I don't know if I could move out ... I suppose I could go to my DM's but I don't really want to involve her in my mess. If I moved out would I have to pay DH maintenance?!
Is there any way one of us could stay in the family home with the kids and somehow have a shared custody arrangement where the kids were always in the same place?
Feel completely lost and bewildered at the moment but after another very difficult 6am conversation with DH in which he accused me of being 'addicted' to going running, and 'hiding' to check my phone, I feel like things are coming to a head.

To me it looks like going full time at work would be a good start. Sort out money first.

Then have the conversation with your husband and tell him you want to split up because the relationship doesn't work for either of you anymore.

Did you address why you had the affair in the first place? Those reasons may not have gone away.

Go to a solicitor for advice as they can tell you how it could work in your case.

It all depends on your husband and how he feels about separating. From what you are saying it sounds like he is not ready to end the relationship. Quite often one person in the marriage has been thinking of leaving for a while, gets their finances etc in order and then announces the split to a bewildered and heartbroken partner. This is usually when animosity and conflict happens about housing, finance and most importantly kids. My advice to you would be to tell him how you are feeling now, perhaps look at couples counselling and if that's not an option for whatever reason then try to be as readonable and amicable as possible.

Maintenance depends on who is the resident parent and how much time the non-resident parent stays with children. There is a calculator on the child maintenance website that you can play about with. But if you had 50/50 time split there would no or a minimal payment.

If your husband is of the same mind as you and you think you can stay as a partnership for the kids you could try what you suggested. It's known as bird nesting. The family home remains where the children live all the time and the adults alternate living there with them and share all expenses for that home. It's up to each parent where they stay when not at the family home but normally they will buy/rent a small flat together. This is definitely the best options for kids and families who are happy to be cooperative but might become tricky when or if new partners come on to the scene.

Once or if the decision to split happens it might be an idea to contact your local family mediation centre to find out if they offer any parenting apart sessions.

Good luck with everything.

Iloveyouthismuch thank you so much for this - it is really useful and has helped to clear my head a little.
I think you are probably right that I need to have the conversation with DH before trying to increase my hours at work or put money aside. My worry is that he would just have a breakdown and be unable to make any coherent decisions about what's best for the kids - his mental health is very vulnerable. I feel incredibly guilty about this as I know he would be so hurt and destroyed if I announced I wanted to separate.
I didn't know about bird nesting but yes, that is what I want and what I think would be best for the kids. I can't think as far ahead as new partners yet.
Thank you again.

Is he being supported with his mental health? If not you could try to encourage him to seek some help first so there is support in place if he reacts badly. Mediation can help people to focus on the best interests of their children including people with mental health issues unless they are so ill they are incapacitated. But i would encourage him to see a counsellor on his own. No matter how amicable a separationis, it is still an extremely stressful time so make sure you look after yourself too.

So last night we had the conversation. DH slept on sofa - his decision - I would rather have been there myself. This morning he said he hadn't slept at all and was going to GP for sleeping pills and other meds. I suggested he book a counselling appt also.
I have booked an appt for us to go together to a counsellor a week today, to try and talk through some solutions. At the moment I don't really know what the way ahead will be though.

I cannot really afford to leave. Is it possible to be long-term strangers in the same house?

Yes, sadly lots of couples have to live together whilst separating.Often until the finances resolved.

What happens about the house depends on
the money available.If there are sufficient assets or mortgage capability to keep family house and get another.

Counselling seems a good next step as it might be the opportunity for you both to get on the same page.I heard a description of divorce, it's a roller coaster of emotions, highs and lows but each person got on at different points so the emotions often won't match.

DH said yesterday that he 'was not leaving our home'. I don't want the DC to leave there either.
Realistically that means I have to leave but I still want to be there for the kids and see them every day. Can't work this out at the moment.