I want to end it after 30 years. How?

[Estherdove]

I don't love him. I don't really like him much. I certainly don't fancy him.
We don't agree on anything. His views are getting more and more ridiculous.
He hasnt worked since 2002 due illness. I work full-time and pay bills for everyone.
He literally contributes NOTHING.
I can't figure out how to ask him to leave.
I can't figure out what's stopping me.
He's emotionally abusive, I haven't been out with work mates or colleagues ( I don't have many friends) in nearly 15 years.
He doesn'ttell me I can't he would just tell me to do what I like then make my life unbearable.
He does nothing with the kid's. It's been halftime this weeks and I've taken them out everyday. He never comes. Sleeps in.
We don't share a bed. He sleeps downstairs so the lounge is out of use till he gets up. Often 1pm!!

I've been to counselling and asked her to help me to get the strength and courage to end it.
I'm pathetic to carry on like this. I'm SO lonely and unhappy.
My dc will leave one-day soon and my life will literally be over.
I honestly can't even bear to be near him sometimes. We never talk really.
God this is horrendous.
How do I leave. I'm 42 what will happen to me!!!
Any advice please

Could you book a weekend away for you and the children on the quiet and then tell him it's over on your way out, or just hand him the letter and say I'm going away for the weekend, I need to get away from you.

You'll probably get an idea of where his head is at over the weekend by phone calls/texts.

Before you do this though find out exactly where you stand with your landlords and removing him and getting everything under your name.

You can spend the weekend with your children trying to prepare them the best you can but even though they may be upset they won't be for long, you'll be a much happier mum for them once you're single and have a living room and a life! And when they go and see their dad it will probably be better time than it is now and if it's not they don't have to visit him.

I know your right I really do. I literally spend my days daydreaming about having a life.
Going out when I want. Finally being able to say yes to a quick drink after work.
The kid's having friends round spontaneously and me not having to warn him in advance and clear up the living room.
I'm so pathetic. My children will run from me at this rate

Op

Your kids won't be upset, they will be delighted. They have been exposed to this waste of a space and sham marriage for far too long.

How about you start looking for places to rent? And check your entitlements to working tax credits etc?

The problem is you are terrified of him and although the first step is hard - if you google Woman's Aid and call them they will give you advice on how to leave safely - they will also help you with the practicalities.

If you do nothing, nothing will change. Please show your children that this is not a normal relationship - please let them see you free and happy

You have to leave him, his future is not your problem, he will get housing and benefits. You are still young at 42, I've got divorced in my 50's and I still feel I have loads of life left. Don't waste another second on this cretin.

Can you find out what is involved in getting your name removed from the tenancy? And then find somewhere to rent in your own name and go there with the DC. Then what he does next is up to him. If he defaults on the rent payments, that is on him. Not owning the house and the DC being older will surely make this process easier than you think.

Estherdove I was ten when my mum left my dad and it was one horrible day, then all the days after that was amazing to see her so happy, buying what she liked, going where she wanted she was a completely different woman and was like getting to know her from scratch. I really wish she had done it years earlier, nothing against my dad, love him to bits but they were both so much happier.

Left me growing up not wanting to settle for any relationship, I was happy to be single forever as a teen and be totally independent and did lots of amazing things on my own which is probably from seeing the two different sides to my mum. I did settle down eventually.....

It's important to remember that the relationship your kids grown up seeing is what they have in their head as "normal" and you don't want this for them.

Could you try and think of it as you doing him a favour also, this might be the kick up the arse he needs. He'll be more likely to spend quality time with his children if he just has them for a day a week and doesn't take them for granted. He will have to be a grown up and look after himself and get out of the rut he's in, he doesn't sound like a very happy person so it can only get better right?

He says to me all the time " this is a joke shall I just leave!! Shall I just go to my mum's!!!!
It's not a conversation. It's said almost like a threat?
I think I'm scared if I say yes go and he goes, somewhere down the line I'll regret it. I feel like we've been together since 16 and he's the only one that's loved me. What if no-one loves me ever again.

Although a very small voice is starting to speak up querying how on earth I could think this is love!!

dairymilk that made sense thank you so much. I'll re read that x
Thank you all of you I KNOW I sound ridiculous.
At work I'm senior manager of a large team fgs!!!

Op

This is not love it's hell! You have nothing to compare it to so your perception is skewed - please let him go - imagine the relief you will feel.

His mother raised him so she will have to reap what she sews when he trundles back there like the big baby he is

He sounds like a dead weight

It may be best for both of you.

Leave. Otherwise you will have at least another 30 years of this, like my dm.

He will not improve with age.

I'm scared. I told him I wasn't happy.
Told him what it's like living with him.
He got upset and told me it's his illness that makes him so sad and angry.
That he wants to do more but is in pain everyday etc.
I KNOW it's true but why does being ill mean he has to ignore the kid's and make me walk on eggshells etc.
He said I know I disgust you I can see it.
He says he's leaving. I feel so guilty.

It's the right thing though, for all of you. Yes, you feel guilty hurting someone but you can't just live an unhappy lifebfor fear of making someone else unhappy. And from the sounds of it neither of you were happy... this is for the best.

Don't feel guilty it's what is best for both of you. You could say it's temporary as it's not healthy for you both to stay in this situation.

What if the kids hate me

He doesn't have a job I support him where would he go ???

Don't let him make you feel guilty. He makes a choice everyday to behave the way he does, in pain or no. From here on in you can work towards a happier place for you and your children. Well done for finally standing up to him.

The kids won't hate you.

He is not your responsibility. Do you think he is able to work?

No I genuinely don't think he is. He takes pain killers to function has lost so much weight and some days just vomits and sleeps

He cried. Said don't you think I want a life too.
Oh god

Don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty for. You have given the relationship 25+ years of your life and now it is time to look out for YOU.

Leaving my ex of 28 years was the hardest ting I ever did yet the best. Like you, I agonised about it for ages and your relationship with him sounds similar to my relationship with my ex I wanted to leave for years but didn't (for various reasons) but one day something trivial happened and I packed a bag and went that day. I won't lie, it wasn't easy but my life is in a much better place now. You can be happy again and so can he.

He is not your burden to bare.
You can't just keep him because you are worried where he will go. People change, he will change too.

If he's so ill he won't get off the sofa all day and is in constant pain maybe he needs to take some responsibility for himself and go back to the GP to reassess his prescriptions.

Could he possibly be playing it up because he has it easy at the moment? You support him financially and keep a roof over his head so he can sit around all day, he doesn't bother with you or the children. Of course he cried, he actually has to get up and sort himself out for a change. Maybe he thinks if he plays it up a bit you'll just give in and continue as have been?

I think temporary will be best right now. Of he goes somewhere local, close to you and the kids. It sounds that is what is best right now. Maybe speak to the kids about it (depending on their age) and explain you both just need the break and he will still be close by.

Please leave. It's the first step which will be hardest.

It's like gambling: you've put so much in and you're hoping that one day you will recoup these losses. That maybe he will change. But I think one of the barriers for you is accepting the fact that this won't happen.

It might be hard short term but you will then be able to enjoy your evenings : think how much time you will get back to laugh, smile, invite people over, enjoy your kids, love them and yourself without any little voices in the back of your head, holding you back.

Could it be worth talking to your children prior to your husband? Could they be old enough to understand?

Good luck!

Don't back track now, you have started the ball rolling. Imagine where you could be a month, six months, a year from now if you stick to your guns?

He asked if he should go to his mum's, so he has got somewhere to go. Tell him to go there.

Don't feel guilty, you're doing the right thing.