What to do when stbx is being a manipulative arse?

[OnwardsNewLifeAhead]

Things aren't great between stbx and me. For various reasons we have been stuck together, marriage long over, but hopefully that will change soon.

He is becoming more and more of an arse about various things.

Tonight, he blatantly undermined me when I tried to discipline one of the dc, and I'm at a loss as to what to do about it, without involving the children further.

Basically, dc (3 of them, ages ranging from 12 to 5) and I were playing a card game before bedtime - usual routine - and ds (5) was being a bit of a pain. He has form for this, and had been pratting about all day being a bit of a nuisance. I asked him several times to sit still etc, and gave clear warnings about what would happen (go and sit in his room) but he didn't listen.

Then H comes along to join in, and ds starts playing up even more. After a couple of transgressions, I asked ds to go and sit in his room rather than spoil the game for everyone. H protested, and told ds he could stay and join in. Through gritted teeth, I explained that ds had had clear warnings, this wasn't a first offence, and that I would like him to go and sit in his room (about 4 feet away!). Ds, bless him, did so.

H stropped off, interrupting the game further, to 'go and sit with ds as this isn't fair' leaving dd1 (12, but with learning difficulties) confused as to what's going on and dd2 (10) stressed by it all.

H sat with ds, gave him a cuddle, fed him a load of blarney about ds not being wrong, and read him a story to comfort him while I finished playing with the dds. H refused to come and join in a second round of the game, as it wouldn't be fair to ds, and said it was unfair to ask him to join, as he now couldn't make the 'right choice'

So, how am I supposed to counteract this nonsense, and try to actually show ds that behaviour has consequences, when H is determined to undermine any parenting attempt with his desperation to be the dc's best friend, united against nasty mummy who insists on disciplining them for bad behaviour?

Dd2 is currently in tears and won't talk to me, but I suspect she is stressed by being put in the middle of so many situations (sadly tonight is not the first time H has done similar); ds is getting away with everything as H panders to him the most - dd1 and he have a strained relationship at best, and he knows that dd2 sees through a lot of the crap - which is not leading to a great relationship between him and his sisters, tbh.

Sounds really hard- guessing if he is a stbx there is a back story!

Don't have advice but what you did sounds reasonable and your stbx sounds like a man child.

Are you stuck.living in same household till he is actual ex?

God - he sounds awful!

How long before you can live separately?

How soon until you get rid? Can to accelerate the process?

Yes, probably stuck living together until he is an actual ex.

Things should be able to get moving soon, but he is likely to be utterly stubborn about it, and I doubt he will agree to move out, meaning it could be a while yet.

It's just so fucked up. There was no need for it at all, and it's just screwing with the dc. Ds is only young (H's main reasoning when he 'protects' him) but it's not wrong to expect him to play nicely if he wants to join in a game (a game he is well able to play, and enjoys, btw). How on earth is he supposed to learn how to behave if his every bad behaviour is excused and allowed by H?

It sounds the only way this will get better is when Stbex is gone because atm he's using them as a stick to beat you with. If he can see it works he'll do it more.

The only other way this coexisting situation could work is to establish the pattern of access whilst he's still there, so that one of you withdraws - actually from the house or to another part of the house - whilst the other is with the children.

Have you had legal advice about speeding up the process to living separately?

Agree re:stick/beating.

I withdraw when he is with the dc, he doesn't extend the same courtesy to me. So tonight, eg, I started doing bedtime. He intrudes (likely to set dd1 off, as disrupting routine), disrupts the game, undermines me, and then takes over doing bedtime.

If he is doing bedtime, then I leave him to it, as I do not want to be in a position of disagreeing with him/what he is doing as it just puts the dc in the middle of it all. He clearly doesn't give a stuff about that.

If I do ask him to withdraw, he manages to find something interesting to do, then 'just happens' to ask the dc if they want to take part, under the guise of a) making it easier for me (e.g. He will pretend he is giving me space to deal with dd1 by taking ds off to do whatever interesting thing it is - dd1 has severe ASD, so it can be tricky managing behaviour at times) or b) 'letting the dc decide what they want to do' (all fine, but the super-interesting thing wasn't on his agenda until I want some time with the dc), so it just gives him further opportunity to manipulate and control.

Legal advice in the offing, so hopefully will be able to plan more effectively shortly.

Sounds so hard! It is hideous having to live with someone like that and the sooner he goes the better

Agreed, but if he refuses to go (which I think he will), it could be some time yet.

What am I supposed to do in the meantime, wrt the dc?

I can't let any and all bad behaviour go, just because H is likely to disagree with me and undermine it. But equally, if he continues to undermine me, it means ds will continue getting away with it all. In H's eyes ds can do no wrong - he is fine to criticise and discipline the dds (dd1 especially, but dd2 as well) but ds is another story. This is really going to affect the relationship between them, but I can't see what I am supposed to do about it Wilbur either playing into his hands or making the dc feel really uncomfortable as they are in the middle of (and feeling like the cause of) yet another disagreement.