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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's finally gone but I feel lost

7 replies

whatsmyname2017 · 04/06/2017 15:07

So, don't want to drip feed all my previous posts but to summarise. I took the awful decision to tell DP I didn't love him anymore and wanted us to separate, at the same time his Mum was terminally ill. I had spent months deeply unhappy, crying all the time and his awful behaviour towards me and the children was unbearable. This wasn't just behaviour relating to his Mum. I won't go into all that.
He was angry at my decision and tried to make me feel guilty that I had chosen this time to 'dump him'. We put the house on the market and got an offer very quickly.
Sadly his DM passed away a few weeks later so this was an awful time all round but I did my best to support him.
He then decided to just move out of the house and rent somewhere while the sale goes through. Living together was horrendous so I was pleased about this.

However, he finally moved out yesterday and I've done nothing but cry today. I'm not regretting my decision at all, and don't want him back but I'm struggling with the guilt of it all.
Even though his awful treatment of me and the DC is the root cause of the split, I feel like I have kicked him while he was down.
He is also playing the martyr and saying he can't afford to live on his own and he's had to put his name on the council list (I don't actually believe any of this). Even though he was a sever skinflint when we were together, I still feel shit about the fact he might struggle financially.
My DS1 also told me he felt I shouldn't have chosen that time to break up from his dad because of his Mum being so ill. He even said 'surely if its just you that's unhappy, thats better than everyone else being unhappy'.
Sorry I am totally rambling now. I know deep down, I had to do this for me and the DC but I feel so low today. I know things will get better. I guess I'm also grieving for the relationship as we have been together many years. At this point I'm struggling to see me every being happy.

OP posts:
thestamp · 04/06/2017 15:52

Oh love. I so know this feeling.

Try to hang on to the fact that you are going to feel better. This is the worst part, the raw grief.

Your DS isn't old or mature enough to understand that you can't allow others to abuse you based on what's going on in their lives at a particular time. You and I both know that's the kind of lesson you only learn with age and experience. And to complicate things this is his dad, so he can't quite see clearly what has happened here. My heart goes out to you and him as I know DS will naturally be harder on the parent he trusts more... He has learned to appease his dad and wants you to do the same because that's what feel safe to him.

You just need to wait it out. "DS I know things feels awful now. I wish things could be different but I had to do what I know to be right." Try to maintain leadership and calm in the household. He will heal and move on in time.

But the grief of the first day after moving out... Yes that I know all too well. Doesn't matter how awful the relationship became, it is a wrenching pain.

The cold comfort is that this time will pass. Your job right now is just to hold on for a few days, and allow the pain to pass by.

Sending you love.

Hissy · 04/06/2017 16:33

The death of a marriage is always sad. You didn't go into that union lightly and have been hurt and let down. It's ok to mourn that life, but you have made the right and brace decision

It will get better

Hissy · 04/06/2017 16:35

When my abusive ex left I felt so abjectly stupid, and so desperately sad.

In a matter of days I saw my ds begin to bloom and shine. Have faith, things will change quickly.

Honeyandfizz · 04/06/2017 16:50

I too separated from my h last summer. It was absolutely the right decision for us both (mutual split and very amicable) but I felt in a fog for a good few months. It takes time to adjust to a new way of living. You will get there, stay strong x

whatsmyname2017 · 04/06/2017 18:19

Thanks so much for your lovely replies. I had a nice long chat with a friend earlier too so felt a bit better. Still feeling a bit low but I just have to accept that is how I'm going to feel for a while.
#thestamp this is good advice. Thankfully DS1 doesn't seem angry with me or anything and he has taken all this considerably well in the circumstances. Because it was my decision to split, I'm going to be the one to get the brunt of the blame.

OP posts:
user1489780837 · 07/06/2017 22:58

Hello whatsmyname2017

Have just come across this thread.
How are you today?

A massive step forward has been taken. I'm not surprised you feel the way that you do. It'll take time to adjust .

Take each day as it comes, be strong, take care

Xx

Whatsmyname2017 · 07/06/2017 23:20

Hi there! I've actually had a good day today. My mum is here for a couple of days so that has helped. Really busy at work too so that has been a distraction and stops me thinking about things. Friends at work are also so supportive. I'm sure I have a lng way to go yet but I will take each good day as a positive.
How are things with you - is your ex still seeing his girlfriend? Are thing calm at the moment? Xx

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