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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Estranged sibling making contact

11 replies

Cacti · 04/06/2017 11:08

I have namechanged as this is pretty identifying. As the title says really, I have a few siblings who I share my dad with. The mother of one I've never met got in contact with me yesterday.

For background, my mum and dad divorced when I was 3 and Dbro was 1. He met someone and when I was 4, she fell pregnant with a girl (Alpha). My dad scarpered and has never met his daughter. A few years later he remarried, had another child (Beta), divorced, met another woman, had a child note the pattern and in total has 5 children by 4 women. In short, my dad is a dick. He has a history of alcohol abuse, domestic abuse and affairs. I tolerate him but I don't like him very much.

Around 6 years ago, I was contacted by my ex-stepmum, asking if I would like to see my younger brother, Beta. After she and my dad divorced, she ran off with Beta so they couldn't be found by my dad and remarried, changing Beta's surname to his stepdads. Reestablishing contact was all OK at first, we had a relationship with him before the divorce so already knew each other but Beta has his own demons and maintaining the relationship has been difficult. He blows hot and cold for reasons I won't go into but it can be an emotional rollercoaster sometimes.

Which brings me to Alpha. To be honest, I don't even know if she is aware her mum messaged me or whether she asked her mum to do it on her behalf. Either way, I am hesitant to respond with yes, I'd like to meet her but I feel like a bitch saying no. I don't have much to do with my dad and I find the emotional turmoil with Beta enough as it is. I do want to respond, at least to let her know she has other siblings she is probably unaware of. I looked her up on Facebook and can see she lives in a village next to my town.

Sorry for the huge brain dump! I know ultimately it's my decision but if anyone has a similar story, I would love to hear how it turned out.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 04/06/2017 11:17

I'd be inclined to say yes - even if only for a coffee. My mum didn't get along with my dads family so there's a whole raft of cousins I've never got to meet, and add I get older I wonder if my own children are missing out on those family relationships. You could just become FB friends and take it from there - look through Alpha's timeline to see if there are going to be obvious difficulties (see if she has made any requests for a kidney, for example), but otherwise, what have you got to lose?

inlectorecumbit · 04/06/2017 11:31

Having been in a similar situation l would say yes to a meet up for coffee. What happens from there is up to you.
How old is Alpha?

Cacti · 04/06/2017 11:32

I did think that with regards to my DS. She has kids from what I can see so there's that to think about as well. I just can't help but draw from my experience with Beta. It's been difficult and I simply don't want to o through that again. Selfish I know!

OP posts:
Cacti · 04/06/2017 11:32

Alpha is 26.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 04/06/2017 11:38

I met up with my 1/2 brother and 1/2 sister. We got on fine but we were poles apart in every way. We have minimal contact now for no other reason but that we are so different.
Knowing they were out there somewhere was like an itch l had to scratch. I did scratch it- the itch is gone and l am at peace with it all.
Good luck whatever you decide

Lostbeyondwords · 04/06/2017 11:42

I've been in a similar position but sort of reversed. My dad had children before my mum that he'd lost contact with as children. I'd always known about them and wondered. One day I found them on fb.

Told them who I was and left it that I'd love to get to know them with or without df's involvement, if that was ok with them.

One found it hard to accept and we've not really spoken much since and I respect that. The other two are lovely and though we don't talk every day I know I could pick up the phone and call them and that would be fine and the same with them. One of them I actually have a lot in common with despite not growing up together. As pp have said, give it a go. You've got nothing to lose and a friend to gain.

Cacti · 04/06/2017 13:16

Thank you. I'll drop her mum a message to say I'm happy for Alpha to get in touch.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 04/06/2017 14:54

Good luck, keep us updated Grin

Cacti · 04/06/2017 16:39

Well I've sent it! I also wanted to check that Alpha was aware her mum had messaged me which it seems she was. I am now waiting to hear back from Alpha.

OP posts:
Lostbeyondwords · 04/06/2017 19:05

Well done Cacti and good luck.

I have my fingers crossed for you that everything turns out well. Do update us won't you?

teaandakitkat · 04/06/2017 19:08

I think I would meet her but keep contact through Facebook maybe. Don't exchange mobile numbers or addresses right now. Then you can keep things infrequent if you want. I understand your hesitation.

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