Irrational Jealousy Issues

[Teddy6767]

Please be gentle as I know how ridiculous this all sounds.

I am in a relationship with someone I'm madly in love with and we are great together. I trust him and he's great at making me feel beautiful and desired.

Something is hanging over the relationship for me like a dark cloud though. I have really extreme jealousy issues when it comes to him finding other women attractive. He doesn't know the extent of it at all as I'll never let it be known to him when I'm feeling that way. I'll just bottle it all up and act like I'm not the slightest bit bothered.

For example - we were watching a film last night and there was a beautiful woman in it completely naked for a prolonged period of time. I instantly felt sick and anxious and was worrying myself to death that he found her more attractive than me and that he wished i looked like her. He wasn't saying anything to make me think that way but it was like an irrational fear that I couldn't control. I didn't say anything and pretended like everything was completely normal.

I'm going on holiday with him soon and the thought of him seeing topless women on the beach is killing me. Crazy, I know!

I honestly know how pathetic all this sounds, and how completely unreasonable it is to expect someone to never find someone else attractive or sexy. I think it all stems to when I was bullied at school and called ugly every day. And also from being cheated on by 2 of my ex's.

I'm desperate to get control of this issue asap and not let it spoil something great. Maybe I need to speak to a counsellor to try and sort my self esteem issues out. Have any of you ever had this level of insecurity? And if so, how do you manage it and stop it from affecting your life? And do you have any tips to help rebuild self esteem?

I hate feeling like this and would love to eventually be completely cool with him finding someone else attractive. Life is too short for me to be stressing myself over such things.

Please help!

teddy

re your comment:-
"I think it all stems to when I was bullied at school and called ugly every day. And also from being cheated on by 2 of my ex's"

Correct, jealousy and low self esteem are inextricably linked.

I bet you were not so called "ugly" then either, those people simply used you to make them feel better about their own selves.

I would seek out a therapist to tackle this both now and head on too before it tries to destroy you more. BACP are good and do not charge a fortune, I suggest them as NHS counselling will take an age and is very limited in scope.

The people who did those things to do did you a great deal of emotional harm. It was their fault and theirs alone that this happened to you, you did not cause that to happen. Do not forget either that this man you are now with has chosen you to be with, I would also try and talk to him about this too. You should be able to talk openly in a relationship.

I think it's normal to feel a bit like that but not so extremely. Turn the tables around. If you see a very attractive man, you may appreciate his looks but have you ever compared him to your boyfriend or wish that you were with him? Being attracted to someone is a lot more than just skin deep so whilst you or him may see someone is attractive physically, it doesn't mean that you're attracted to them.

Thank you for your kind words Atilla.
I was preparing myself to get slated for being pathetic.

I have spoken to him briefly about it at the start of the relationship as he used to often comment on celebrities being attractive and I told him I didn't want to hear about it as I was feeling insecure. He hasn't done it since and tells me all the time how beautiful I am. I really want to control these feelings as I don't ever want to make him feel unhappy or as though i'm trying to control him.
I guess all I can do is seek out some therapy and work on my self esteem as much as possible. I also need to remember that he's chosen to be with me and just because he finds a celebrity hot doesn't mean he's going to do anything to hurt me. I need to keep telling myself that over and over again. I've also started doing some meditation every day to try and calm my anxieties down a bit

You're right Cricrichan. I find other men handsome but I don't want to be with them instead of my boyfriend. I wish I could accept that was the case when the tables are turned. It's so draining always worrying about it, and I'm scared my holiday will be ruined if I can't get a handle on things soon. Thanks for your reply

You're right to seek therapy. It is linked to low self esteem. The green eyed monster will eat you up and then eat up your relationship. Time to nip this in the bud. Thank goodness you have recognised this.

Aww Teddy, I totally empathise. The thing is, everything you have written here signifies that you are in fact rational. As you are justifying and understanding your jealousy. A little bit of jealousy is okay, it shows we care. I have also been driven mad by jealousy before too even when the guy treated me as a princess. It stemmed from my own inner securities, also being bullied as a child too. At the end of the day, you need to convince yourself that wasting this energy on being jealous of your man finding other women attractive is feeding into your insecurities and creating negativity in your head. It can make you ill. Instead, when you get these thoughts divert it in your head with humour like "bald naked man bald naked man dancing" it sounds bizarre but it works and diverts.
Life is too short to worry about these things. Lets face it we will always find beauty in others, its human nature. But most of us are decent folk who won't act on it. Keep doing the diversions in your head and soon you'll be thinking oh remember when I used to be jealous!!!!

Thank you - definitely something I need to work hard at getting over. Your diverting tip is a good one x