Help me sort out what I need to do please

[Likesugarandcyanide]

I have name changed for this. The backstory is I've been married for 20 years, 3 children, two of whom have significant disabilities. Things have been a bit difficult for a while. My husband took up a new hobby two years ago that takes up a very large amount of his time - at least 4 evenings a week and 3-4 hours both Saturday and Sunday. There have also been weekends away at shows and competitions to do with his hobby. He works 7-4 in quite a tiring job.

I tried to explain to him that I needed him here more, I am primary carer so do all the day to day caring. Both children miss a lot of school, the older one hasn't been to school at all in the last academic year. I'm tired, stressed and getting no support. He explained that he needed his hobby to de stress and was feeling depressed.

He also told me he felt I wasn't putting any effort into our marriage. I admit this is true, I seem to spend all my waking hours between appointments, care etc and by the time I do go to bed I'm exhausted. I have tried to set aside time for us but he will not change his routine regarding his hobby at all.

Anyway, last weekend he was supposed to be at an event. My youngest was taken ill quite suddenly and my husband's reaction was anger that he would have to change his plans. We had a blazing row and it all came out that he's met someone else through this hobby.

He has admitted it's been going on for a while. He moved out yesterday.

Thanks if you've got this far! I have no idea how to start sorting things. The only money I have is carer's allowance (£60 a week) and dla for the children, most of which goes on private physio and a carer to accompany youngest to a swim club once a week.

I know I will be able to claim some benefits but have no idea how or what. I can't seem to think straight so can someone please talk me through what I need to do, who I need to tell etc. This is NOT a plea for money. I just need advice on how to move forward.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long but I don't want to drip feed. I may not be able to respond immediately as I have to get the children up and sorted.

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your family.
My only advice is that you'll eventually be better off without him, if he's not reliable anyway.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Your H's attitude is disgusting.

Have you looked at one of the benefits calculators? This is one: www.entitledto.co.uk. If you fill.it in, it will give you an idea of that benefits you'll get.

Your husband should also pay child maintenance and possibly spousal support or whatever it's called. You need to consult a solicitor. You can get free half hour consultations to start with.

Do you have a joint account?

No joint account, he has said he will give us £75 per week but not until next month as he has had expenses related to me asking him to leave.

I will check that calculator, thanks. I know I will have to phone them tomorrow but do you have any idea how long it takes?

You need to make arrangements for your H to have the children EOW and one night during the week. Do NOT let him see them at your house, they need to go and stay at his.

Also you need to get some advocacy to help get your oldest back into education

Coral I don't think I can due to their disabilities. The amount of equipment needed makes it impossible, I don't think his new place would be accessible to them at all.

My middle child is refusing to be in the same room as him, he's 14 and very angry. I am trying to explain to him that despite what's happened he's still Dad but at the moment it's just too upsetting for him.

He's coming to see them later, for their sake I am trying to keep things calm and friendly but really I want to tell him exactly what I think of him.

I see, that makes it hard. So I guess you will have to go and stay with friends and family EOW so he can look after the children at your house.

However you work it, make sure that he cares for the children at least one night a week and EOW. Do this now. Don't let him think he's off to lead the single life.

Don't tell H what you think of him. But you don't neee to be friendly. Just meet him at the door with your coat on and go out for however long his visit is going to be.

Do NOT stay at home and play hostess.

Your son is perfectly entitled to be very angry , don't try to persuade him to see his dad. Let him go out to a friend's if he wants to.

How long it takes - it depends, but i think the minimum is 2 weeks. For things like housing benefit I've seen people mention up to a few months, but I assume that's a worst case scenario.

The main thing is when you submit your claim, make sure to include all the supplementary evidence. Sometimes it gets delayed because of them chasing up missing documents and that can really slow it down. You could contact CAB if you need any help filling the forms in.

Your poor middle child. I'm not surprised he feels like that and especially at his age when life is quite confusing anyway.

£75 per week but not until next month---jog on sport.

Find out what exactly you are entitled to as basic child support and he starts paying it now. If needed start a CMS claim and lock him into it.
Contact the council tax people and get your reduction sorted as single person.
Don't force your 14 yer old to see him, that will cause more resentment on his part, leave things for now and let him process events at his own pace.

What an absolutely disgusting repelling monster. No advice but swanning off doing his hobby when he has high needs children?? And then meeting someone and refusing to contribute to his family's living expenses? Please see a solicitor asap. If he has money for his hobbies, he has money for his children.

You can use this to figure out the basic/minimum child maintenance:

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

He turned up about an hour ago, middle child is shut in his room but he's down with the other two. I've come upstairs, I did say I would go out but he's not staying long as he's got his hobby at 12.

I tried to talk to him about money, he says he won't leave me short but as I 'made' him get out he's had to pay out a lot. I said I will be checking out the csa tomorrow and he's not happy about that.

I'm beginning to realise he wants to do everything his way rather than me make decisions but I think he is relieved it's out in the open and he can walk away. He told a mutual friend this morning that he's felt I only care about the children and have 'checked out of the relationship' for a long time. Friend is livid as a few times he's told me he's worried about my workload, he's also said he's bringing his wife around one evening and we are 'formulating a plan of action' to help me. I'm so lucky to have them.

I can't seem to make him understand that there's only so much I can do, especially when I've been doing it all with minimal support from him. He thinks I'm looking for an argument, maybe I am but he doesn't seem to listen to my point of view.

I'm very grateful for all the advice and links. When youngest goes to school tomorrow I will start using them and trying to sort things out. Thanks.

He told a mutual friend this morning that he's felt I only care about the children and have 'checked out of the relationship' for a long time. Friend is livid as a few times he's told me he's worried about my workload, he's also said he's bringing his wife around one evening and we are 'formulating a plan of action' to help me. I'm so lucky to have them.

Definitely get onto the CSA or whatever they're called.

His reasoning is so flawed. It was supposed to be a partnership! If he spent half the time he spends on his hobby helping you, you'd have more time to spend with him as a husband.

Men like this just want to check out of the relationship when they feel like it and blame the woman. If he was that bothered, he should have sought couples counseling etc, not gone and met someone else.

I am glad you have the supply of your friends. It really is invaluable. Keep taking to your middle child as I think it is helpful if they can express their feelings openly and honestly even if at the moment that may be anger and rage. It's no good bottling it up.

No money/ Poor diddums. He can sell all his 'hobby' equipment on ebay, for a start. Children need food more than their dads need hobbies.

I wholeheartedly agree with the pp that he has to have the dc at least eow and one evening per week.
If your ds14 chooses to go to a friends then help him arrange this.
You need to have a break. Your dc depend on you so you need to be able to look after them.
If he doesn't want a marriage he still has to parent his dc. Eow and one evening a week is still small beer in the parenting game.
Good luck OP. I think you'll be fine without him. Arse.

For your own sanity you really must go out when he comes. Get times fixed now. Every other weekend minimum. He'll have to cut down on hobby and GF. Unlucky for him. This is absolutely non negotiable.

If I were you I'd be pushing for 50:50 to start with and negotiating down to EOW. If he wants to pay less that's the obvious starting point, i think you'll find he can suddenly produce more money. If he still wants contact with the kids you actually hold all the cards. It just doesn't feel like it right now.

I think you need one full day a week off - you must be completely exhausted. So that means that on Saturday or Sunday he should come to your house to take care of the children all day. You really have to do this right from the beginning otherwise it'll never happen.

What he's done is awful - you haven't had a break at all and he's been off with another woman.

Do NOT let him come to your house to see the kids for 1.5 hours at the weekend. He needs to stay there and look after them for 48 hours and you need to leave.

Go stay with family / friends.

I don't really have any family or friends I could stay with, sounds pathetic but I sort of lose touch with people apart from online because I don't get time to go out much.

I have contacted the benefits agency and am going to an appointment with them on Thursday. I have to go to the housing association tomorrow because they need me to fill in forms.

Everyone I have spoken to has been very nice, i should be entitled to claim child benefit, tax credit and get help with rent and council tax so it's a big load off my mind.

I spoke to middle child's school and they are going to give him a counsellor to speak to, she said he's still perfectly behaved in school which is a relief as he's very angry. He says he can't look at him because "he is everything he shouldn't be and I hate liars". I am trying to be very neutral but understanding of how he feels.

My friends did pop over last night and we have made a list of all the things I have to change, gas account etc. It's easier now I have a list of what I need to do. I know I will have to see a solicitor but I'm leaving it for now as I feel like my head is all over the place.

Thank you all so much for your help, I really am a mess. I just keep breaking down, it's very difficult to hold it all together.