So angry

[toitoi]

My h left last year and whilst I believed his story about how I am to blame by my behaviours, I have since found out about the OW. He is a skilled manipulator and I literally see red whenever I have to even think about him - it is just raw fury and resentment. He is ultra reasonable with an audience but says and texts awful comments and threats. However his act is managing to get lots of people in this small community on side and I feel anger at them too for believing his manipulations. I don't generally act on my anger but it is there all the time like a big painful knot. Any hints on how I can either manage or harness it?

Dealing with anger:

Build a big pile of pillows and cushions, use duvets too if you don't have enough cushions. Punch them. Whilst punching, tell them exactly what you think. eg "You bastard, Ex! You get everyone on your side with your lies! I fucking hate you, you manipulative prick!" You'll feel a prat at first, then you get right into it and it really helps. Refer Dr Irene Kassorla, its not my idea, it was in one of her books. I've used it for thirty years.

Harness it:

Any big job that needs doing - housework, gardening, knocking down a wall.
Activity - a ten-mile walk, long swim etc.

Way forward:

Keep the texts etc as your evidence. Keep a log of what he does. You'll get bored. The more bored you are, the less power he has.

Rise above it. If anyone tells you how great/reasonable/badly-done-to he is, say calmly "He's suckered you, too, has he? Never mind. You'll find out eventually." and change the subject.

Good luck.

Try not to talk about him with others unless they know and believe your point of view because it's just frustrating. It has never stopped for me and there are some people I just cannot see. If you get counseling to learn to deal with him that's really helpful.

9 years on I'm remarried and it's still going on. Our kids hate him due to his behavior. But I now find him ridiculous as he has no power over me.

There is no quick fix but it does get better.

I do want to remove his power and I guess it's a process, but can I speed it up? I fucking hate the lying deceitful betraying bastard. 25 years of my life on him and now I am nudging 50 and cannot see a future. See, the raw rage just flares up.

Firstly you are not to blame.
Secondly your anger and resentment will hurt you more than it will hurt anyone else. It will make you ill.
Thirdly, and I can attest to this, as I was 30 years in a relationship and nudging 60 life will get better. There is a future, it will be different and it will evolve, you need to just let it evolve. Try not to think about it to much, it will work out if you let it.

Funny that innit (not) that it is all your fault and then coincidence he was seeing someone else. If anyone mentions it to you just roll your eyes and say "Yes, nothing at all to do with him cheating on me with another woman" and then walk on.

Everyday tell yourself you are free of the twunt. There is indeed a future it just happens not to have an arsehole in it.

Set up a public FB account, post his shitty threatening texts on there and tag him and all his friends?

But extreme I know, but it would feel good, and show people what he's like.

But ultimately you need to detach. For your own sanity, and to reclaim your own life.
Focus on getting your anger out, and in detaching.

He doesn't have enough friends to make that a worthwhile plan! I know i need to detach and reclaim. But how? And what do i do about the waves of pure fury that keep me awake?

Print out all his shitty texts/messages and put them up throughout the village with a picture of him ? Well ok, probably not but by God I'd be tempted.

On a calmer note, i bet he's not fooling as many people as you think. One of our neighbours is a prize arsehole - i just nod, smile weakly and avoid. I'm sure he thinks he's got us all fooled too.

People have more cop on that you think OP. Watch and wait. Watch and wait.

If you really want to speed up this bit you'll need to discipline yourself quite strictly no to dwell on the anger.

I'd do two things.

First every time you're angry, write down how you feel. Keep a journal. Make note of weather, health, what triggered the anger, use lots of words to name how you feel (not just anger but all your feelings good and bad). This can really help you get your head back in control.

Second. Make a list of things to do that are good for you / you're putting off - e.g. gym session, weights based exercise, yoga, walking/running/swimming, rambling, organizing house, filing, cleaning, work projects, art or craft projects, writing, tax prep, bookkeeping, batch cooking, decluttering, meditating, reading, listening to inspiring or relaxing or really interesting podcasts, box set catch up... Put them on a whiteboard somewhere you go past frequently.

After you have raged into your journal go and look at your list and do something on it. Immediately. No thinking and no excuses. Even if it's running up and down the stairs to a podcast for 20 mins.

This trains your brain away from raging and towards caring for yourself. This is an incredibly positive thing to do to take back control of your life. Please try it!

You must refocus on yourself. Focusing on your ex and what he's done will just keep dripping poison into your life. Don't let that continue!