I know I need to LTB but I don't know where to start. He has gone from being a happy, charming, proper cool cat that I met and fell for 10 years ago to an abusive bastard
He has a drug problem (which when we met he was in control of and over the years had completely lost it and then got himself mostly back together.. he very rarely disappears on benders these days). Because of the history he asked me to take control of all the money and deal with all the finances, but now we have 2 children and i'm a student there isn't as much money and we're often broke. That seems to be a real issue to him that he works full time to support me while I swan off to uni (I get a student loan/grant and childcare paid for which wouldn't happen if I had to work) and ultimately in 1 year I'll be a qualified teacher with a salary.
I asked him to have the kids overnight while I went to visit my best friend who moved away a year ago, I still hadn't been there yet. He went mental - "you have no friends, she's a slag, i'm never babysitting again. If you want a night off you'll have to arrange for your mum to have the kids." He shouted at me and called me horrible things and made me cry in front of my children.
I have suddenly looked up and realised he's a vile man. He can come and go as he pleases but I can't. I plan nights out months in advance and 'book him in' only for him to not come back that day so I have no choice to cancel or give me such a hard time it's not worth the agro. I have to control the money because of him yet he hates me for doing it and not managing what little is left well enough. He's been physically abusive twice now. He hates it if I go out with my friends 'because I become a drunken state and loose control' (I don't any more than the next person). I rarely go out now - It's not worth the hassle and the arguments. He tells me I'm crazy if I ever get cross at his behaviour, and a mental bitch, I need to get a grip, It's like I blindly strolled into this controlling relationship letting him take me for granted while he quietly cut me off from my friends and family.
I never thought I was weak, I never thought I'd put up with anything less than I deserved but I have, and now I've got my life so intertwined with him I don't know how to get out. I have no money, the house is his, the cars in his name, my family aren't close by. We have 2 children (one at the local school) who absolutely dote on him.
Right now, I can see what I have to do but when he decides he's punished me enough for going away for a night he'll switch the charm back on and i'll fall for it like I always have done but my confidence and self-worth will be even less.
He is not a bad person, he's very popular, people love him, he's fairly domesticated - he cooks and cleans and is our 2 DS's best friend, he would do anything for them (but not bathe or change nappies it turns out) but where I have always been able to defend him even in the worst of situations I don't need to any more, I don't want to. He's a pig to me.
So how do I get out? How do I not fall back into the same cycle and forgive him? What is my first move?