What's normal

[Whatislife123]

Hello. Need some advice please. I was brought up in a physically, verbally abusive household. Cant ever really recall being scared on a daily basis, only a few times here and there. I wouldn't say my childhood was a right off as i genuinely did have some good times and thought i came from a normal family.
As i have got older, in my thirties , it has occured to me that i have indeed been well and truly fucked over by my childhood. I have anger issues and i am currently in a abusive relationship. Please tell me what a normal healthy relationship looks like because my life had been anything but normal. thank you

Have you considered some therapy or counselling to help you talk through the issues from your childhood? I'm sorry to hear you're currently in an abusive relationship. Have you spoken to women's aid? This might help you to find the strength to leave the relationship

As you asked; a healthy relationship involves trust (no controlling behaviours) listening to the other person and not undermining them, no verbally abusive remarks; no physical violence; no coercive sex (no sulking when he doesn't get sex). I'm sure there are other points too

Thank you. Yes i have my first session of CBT on tuesday.

Aww Whatislife I can relate. You would be amazed at how many people of our era grew up in that type of environment. I am 30 and it was similar for me. I think in this day and age things have evolved a lot and lots of research has been done on early yesrs etc. So we are so aware of how "abnormal" some of the things in our childhood were. I'd definitely recommend therapy of some sort to just explore it all.
I too have ended up with anger issues but I honestly think things have got better since I started speaking about it. Good luck and stay strong

Thank you. I hope CBT helps me to move on.

I hope CBT does, OP.

However, CBT has been shown not to be particularly effective for deep-seated (i.e. historical) abuse and trauma. If it doesn't appear to work after a while, then consider therapy.

I think a lot of people choose CBT because either a) it's more readily funded by the NHS (so the choice is understandable) or b) because it promises faster results and doesn't mean delving into the emotions quite as deeply.

Therapy is longer-term, but it has been found to work better. (Look up Swedish studies into CBT vs. therapy.)

All the best.

CBT offers some good baseline skills but, as Ms says, it doesn't address deep seated trauma and abuse. Do the CBT course but bear in mind you're going to need more at some point in the future.

Ime of a similar upbringing it has been a lifetime's work to undo all that damage. Very rewarding work, mind. I've had to cobble together my own therapy: courses, books, therapy. Lots of courses, lots of books, lots of therapy lol! Needs must.

Ime NHS therapy doesn't really exist, unless you're very lucky and can wait 100 years for a 6-week course - more harm than good imo. As a consequence, my therapy is private - and i've always been pretty poor, so if I can do it anybody can. When you're ready, have a look at the BACP site to see a list of therapists in your area - most offer a sliding fee scale if £ is an issue for you, just ask. You can also get low cost therapy through eg Women's orgs, though the waiting list is usually long.

You have to keep plugging away at this. Take heart, you're not alone, plenty of us out here! It's interesting where my journey has taken me - never a dull moment!

MIND do free and low cost talking therapies.

Thank you for all your suggestions. Very much appreciated 😀