Controlling ex insisting on meeting me🙄

[user1496517740]

I am divorced and I have 2 children (11 and 8) and recently (a year ago) met a lovely man also with a child (55). He separated a little over 2 years ago but divorce does proceedings have not yet been instigated and unless she wants a divorce, are probably unlikely to ever be. I'm ok with that as I have no plans to remarry again. We have been dating nearly a year but the ex is insisting she meets me before I'm allowed to meet their son. He is fully integrated into my life and that of my children but I've not yet met the apple of his eye. Whenever he brings it up with his wife, she tells him that she is not yet ready emotionally and he is content to accept this. What this means is that every other weekend, I'm not allowed to go anywhere near him. I feel utterly controlled by a woman I've not even met and I'm beginning to wonder whether there is any way that I can bring this to a conclusion. My boyfriend is terrified that she will stop contact with their son so is desperate not to push her. At the end of the day, even if contact were put in a court order, what judge is going to throw a mother in prison for breaching it? Having spoken to his sister, she was a manipulative cow throughout their marriage and he is too blind to see that she is being manipulative now. She has recently moved and has started asking him to have their son more than every other weekend so my time with him is becoming very limited. For the past 2 years, he has only been allowed to see him on a Sunday so being allowed to have him for a weekend is a blessing for him and I wouldn't want him to turn that down for me. My view is that she doesn't want him but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. If anyone has any helpful advice, it would be very much appreciated. I absolutely adore the man but having left a controlling marriage, I'm not sure i can put up with someone I do not even know controlling my life and who I can and cannot meet.

Sorry, son is 5, not 55!!

If they've been separated for two years, why is he not starting a divorce?

Then contact can be arranged formally, and not be dependent on her goodwill.

Of course, it's also possible that he is happy with the situation exactly as it is.

If it was me I would tell your partner that it's fine. You like your weekend alone/with your kids.

Stop caring and things might change.

What won't change is the ex. The only person that can manage her is him. He won't budge until he feels compelled to.

As another wise poster said once. He who cares least has the most power.

Why is it left that they will never divorce unless she instigates it? Your partner could start proceedings now, or it can happen after two years apart...why is he waiting on her? Formal access arrangements could be made once a divorce is underway.

Why is he so passive? Surely he wants to move on, and a divorce would draw a line, and you could all move on?

As the boy is only five it is high time he called her bluff otherwise this will go on and on

If he was much older 14/15 I would have tolerated it but it's time you put your foot down.

Explain that she is holding him hostage and using his son as a means to control him. Damaging for all concerned.

Keep your boundaries in tact, they sound very healthy. If he does nothing then you should reconsider your relationship

Some people move quicker than others. Respect his wishes. Took me 3 years to instigate divorce proceedings. Was busy with children & work

I would do absolutely FA and let them get on with it. I certainly wouldn't meet her. How dare she insist that she vet you!!!! Say's it all really.

I wouldn't bother with a man who isn't interested in divorcing his ex. He can make excuses for years but if he really wanted to, he'd have filed his paperwork by now.

I speak from experience. My ex was still married and had a million and one excuses why he couldn't divorce her - no money, couldn't find her address, had no way to contact her, had other things to do, blah blah. We split up last summer, and guess who he's back living with?

If he wanted to divorce her, he'd be doing everything he could to make it happen.

Why should she trust you with her child when she's never met you, doesnt know anything about you, doesnt know your history and reputation. She may have good reason for not trusting his judgment regarding you.

He could start divorce proceedings now if he wanted.