Have you got over a crush successfully? Remained friends?

[Ullupullu]

For one reason or another my crush and I both know we like each other. We haven't acted on it. We each have long term partners and kids and neither of us want to jeopardise our families. We are colleagues but not at the same venue so only see each other when necessary for work.

Has anyone been in this "known crush" situation and got thru it and maintained the friendship? We haven't and won't act on it physically but it's driving me insane. I know all the advice about breaking contact entirely but can't do that for work reasons. And I know I need to spend more time/attention on my partner. But I'm hoping to hear from anyone who has accepted that attraction like this can happen and you can move on from it to remaining happy as friends.

Have you tried talking to each other about it? Not in a 'should we?' way but a more, saying it out loud in the cold light of day way. Might make it feel less enticing.

Failing that, talk to your partner. That should stop it

it's crazy to stay 'friends'. If there's a mutual attraction you aren't just friends. Cut contact.

I am happy with my partner and I don't think telling him is a good strategy, as I know this crush will pass. As a couple we do need to spend more time together away from kids, I know this is part of the attraction for someone I only see in a professional setting so not "real life".

Talking about it really openly with crush seems Risky?

I don't want to lose the friendship as we will have to work together for years to come.

If there is a mutual attractoon, you cannot be friends, it's as simple as that. Imagine the crush is a dragon in your head, if you feed it, you strengthen it and the crush will get stronger. If you don't feed it, i.e. cut as much contact as possible, it will die. Google limerence, you don't want to be in this position, trust me! Do you think about him a lot?

I think there are different levels of friendship iyswim. Would it help to demote him from a 'real' friend to a 'see each other in a group' friend?

Comparing your interactions with him to an actual just platonic friend is a good litmus test too - ie if you find your self seeking him out "as a friend" think - would I do the same for other friend x? That will help you be honest with yourself about your intentions

As a wife of someone who had a longish term crush I was unaware of for many years (even though it was 11 years ago) even though I am told it was one sided and the other person was unaware, having only found evidence he had forgot about 6 months ago, it totally affects how you perceive your partner and the deceit/secrecy. It affects your memories of all the 'innocent' interactions between them etc . For instance last year on the day we went on holiday the woman posted a bit of an upset post on FB, my husband Facebook messaged her (I was there) and asked if everything was OK etc, this was before I knew he had the long term crush. That interaction now pees me off . Just be very careful that if you keep it secret and try and be friends, these things can have a habit of coming out at some point and I don't think your partners would see the 'friendship' in quite the same light. I am still with DH but to be honest I don't feel the same and that's hard.

I have gotten over a crush and remained friends.

Two things:

1- Whenever you find yourself thinking about it, think very hard about something else. If you have time in your day when you tend to drift off into thought, get books and podcasts so that you will always have something else to pay attention to.

2 - Don't put yourself in situations where you will think of it. This might mean seeing your friend less initially, but means you will be able to see them in the long run - if you don't do this then you may end up not being able to see them at all in future.

Thanks for sharing your experience yetmore

Trills that is good lived advice thank you. I find myself thinking a lot about him after we have seen each other, then I wean myself off with time iyswim. We only see each other occasionally and not under pretence (always work related but with some social component as is usual) so it want to be able to ride this out and move into a safe friendship.

Yetmorecrap, brilliant post. It's funny how we look back in time at people's interactions. It's really honest (but sad) to say you just don't feel the same. OP, be careful, the mind is a powerful thing. Limerence is horrific, I have been though it. Ask yourself this, how often do you think about other friends? Probably not alot. If you think about him a lot, he cannot be a friend. Btw, can anyone tell me how to hightlight somebody's name on a post?

The reason I wanted to highlight it was because my husband says he never felt differently about me, he is upset I know that it has upset me a lot, but the problem is you cannot unhear or Unsee things , once you know about them you go back over all the interactions that seemed harmless, the popping over to sort their computer, the over texting etc, regardless of of one person genuinely thought it was 'just friends stuff' and the realisation that someone else had seeped into their emotions and thoughts on such a scale. I do believe you can be friends in the sense of no unnecessary contact , no pre planned meet ups and no discussion of emotions etc, however you have to be honest with yourself about it. Personally if my H had come clean, cut contact at the time and discussed it with me I would have I know I would have found it far easier to forgive.

Thank you yetmore and sorry to hear about the fallout. This is actually what makes it harder for me too - my DH doesn't suspect a thing is untoward. he trusts me utterly and I've made it clear when I've spent time with the colleague etc, nothing hidden.

Yeah I've come out the other side of a crush that I couldn't avoid.

I let it run its course. I knew I wouldn't leave my partner. I indulged in the odd fantasy, acknowledged I was making an effort for him which on the whole wouldn't hurt. Then as time went on we both naturally pulled back a little and I saw some of his bad points, and the bubble burst.

Just to clarify, nothing inappropriate was said on either side, nothing inappropriate happened. But you know when you just know.... there was a chemistry etc. Although to be fair could be entirely imagined on my side! 😁

It will pass.... he's probably a nob head. They all are. As soon as you find out how the bubble will burst!

I have. I just limited seeing him, nothing was ever said, I worked hard to notice his imperfections and we never socialised in a non-professional context. I think it was mutual (though that could be me projecting)... another place another time... it's a good friendship, it was a good professional relationship (I've changed jobs now - nothing to do with him) and I'm happy with that.

TBH part of the reason I like him (as a fellow human being) is that he would never have crossed any of those boundaries. He's a good'un and his partner and children deserve all happiness with him.

My ex on the other hand did not excercise similar self restraint...

mylittlepony6 The instructions on how to make things bold or italic should be by the box that you type in.

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My crushes tend to be famous people, not always though.

They ALWAYS pass though.

You can't go far wrong in life if you practice the mantra: don't be a dick.

You can't help a crush (an de that's not a big deal - just hormones, and they always pass) but you can help what you do about it.

Famous people crushes are pretty safe. They're pure fantasy as there's virtually no chance of ever encountering them outside the celebrity bubble; the only danger is your own feelings. So it's actually almost therapeutic to confront powerful emotions in a context where the risk of doing anything dangerous with them is quite low.

thrills thank you

It will pass.... he's probably a nob head. They all are. As soon as you find out how the bubble will burst!

I'm really really hoping for this bit Hemlock and I assumed after our last work-related event together I'd reach that point, but I didn't, frustratingly! Thank you for sharing your experience and to runningissimple too. I really needed to hear some positive stories that this will pass and I won't mess everything up.

Thank you for all the replies. Inadvertently ended up taking the first advice and it is true, I'm gradually realising from talking and getting rid of the excitement that it would not be a healthy relationship even if it could have happened, and I think he sees it too. Here's hoping we can salvage a friendship.