In turmoil

[Justthethree]

This is the second time I have written and deleted this thread.

I came here after doing all of the usual internet searches 'why doesn't he love me anymore' 'how to get over heartbreak' etc etc.

I'll try to keep this brief but it's quite a saga.

I was in a loveless marriage {1 child} went through a messy and traumatic divorce {custody dispute, stalking, abuse}. During which I met my current partner {we have now been together for 20 years}. So he met me at my worst, I was stressed, he was threatened by my ex, was told he would never meet my child. It was a terrible time and I went a little crazy. I was so insecure would push him away just so I could see him crawl back and get the make up break up feeling. He has a bad temper, I had a jealous/crazy streak. It was madness.

After two years the ex met someone and everything changed.

I honestly can say I loved my current partner more than life itself even though he is selfish, self centred and irrational. I later found he had some issues from his childhood so I can see signs of depression which he refuses to acknowledge. We had a passionate relationship, deep love, firey arguments, ups as well as downs. We were addicted to each other and couldn't bare to be apart.

I got pregnant, we were so happy. I had our baby, we were a very happy family.

I got pregnant again, this time he freaked! Said he wanted me to get rid of it. How he couldn't believe I was doing this to him {!!!!}. He would have nothing to do with it! I was an older mother so I was disgusting getting pregnant and everyone would laugh at me. Nine months of torture. It was terrible. I did throw him out but somehow he ended up back home. I had the baby, he apologised, but true to his word did not help at all. Now it's different, they are best friends, they do everything together.

Over the years I've been put down daily, can't do anything right, everything I do is wrong, i'm lazy and good for nothing. He is a drinker, I'm not so of course I'm boring and have changed. The truth is, looking after a demanding baby on my own with a hangover does not appeal to me at all so I stopped drinking even socially.

There is no love, affection, kindness or respect.

I started my own business which consumed my life so of course more problem arose, I'm working two jobs, up late and working every hour god sends. So now he hates me more, hates my business, thinks it's all I want to do. Blames that and me on everything. It's all my fault, everyone of his actions & reactions are my fault.

Finances. I own my own home, he owns his. Initially we lived in my home, I paid the mortgage and the bills, he paid me housekeeping. All other things I bought, clothes for the girls, holidays, eating out, Christmas birthdays. He's a very greedy person, we literally had a 3 day argument one time as he had to pay the window cleaner!

My business is doing well, really well. In a short space of time I'm regarded as one of the best in my field in the U.K. {according to my peers}. He hates this, he's not supportive or proud. I've worked so hard and the sky is the limit for my business, what I have achieved is pretty amazing.

I booked a dream holiday, all of the trimmings, I didn't ask him for a penny nor did I expect it.

We have been really rocky for a few months, his behaviour has hightened, even more angry than usual, more on edge, critising more. I know he has been visiting the doctor for medical tests but he hasn't told me.

A few weeks ago he was putting me down again and I said something that dinted his pride big style. He has not spoken to me since, literally not a word.

He has refused to come on the holiday.

This all sounds like it's a foregone conclusion I should just leave & be relieved right? But I'm still here, still longing for him to speak to me, to make things right. For us to head off into the sunset hand in hand.

I'm a fool I know. I have arranged to start EFT next week, my aim is to realise my self worth so I can stand strong, make a decision and stick to it.

I'm not really sure why I posted but it has been therapeutic to get it out.

Thank you for reading it all sounds very grim but there have been a lot of happy, good times intertwined with this mess.

Think you've answered your own question.

He will never be the man you want him to be and you won't stroll off hand in hand in to the sunset. Cut him lose and find someone who wants that with you.

Yeah it is pretty obvious isn't it, I need to find the strength ❤️❤️ Thank you for replying.

My husband and I had been through a rocky few months and got to a tipping point and I said that we had to go to relationship counselling. It is the best thing we have ever done.

I don't think that all relationships can be fixed, but if you want to fix it (which you obviously do), it's worth looking into.

Good luck xxx

Thanks so much. I don't think he will go for it but we will see how things take us. ❤️❤️❤️

I'm glad your relations is better now @mum157

Why are you wasting your life with this man? You don't need him and he brings nothing of value into your relationship.

He had his chance-he doesn't want the holiday.
Chang his name on the ticker to someone who deserves a break and head off into the sunset without the loser.

I think he is a tad jealous of your success

It's so cliche but I feel old, unattractive & deflated. Don't get me wrong I don't want another relationship, I also don't feel all men are selfish twats but I don't need the agro. I'm hoping my therapy will bring out my inner goddess and I will gain the strength to do what is right for me & my children. I definitely don't feel as though he deserves us.

Sorry because I'I new here I don't know how to reply or tag people. So if it looks like I am ignoring replies. I'm grateful for each one ❤️❤️❤️

Relationship counselling won't stop an unpleasant person being an unpleasant person, and he seems to fit that category.

You should be ENORMOUSLY proud of yourself for building a successful business despite living with someone who chips away at your self-esteem, that's your inner goddess right there!

Take your kids on holiday and leave him home. It'll give you a nice holiday, give you confidence that you can do it without him, and give you space to think.

I've just come home from a week in the sun with my boys - not the same circumstances as you, but complicated family dynamics - and it's done us all the world of good.

It makes me sad to see women who are obviously quite driven in other areas of their life settle for sub par unfulfilling relationships. At the end of the day you deserve better. We know that and we haven't even met you

Thank you so much, I will work on an exit strategy, I've emailed some estate agents to register. I can't see a way forward as much as I want too, after all a leopard will never change its spots. 😭😭😭

Do you really believe he will not come on that holiday? Of course he will but unfortunately he is sbusive and is playing you like a fiddle and whilst you still yearn for his approval he holds all of the power

This is not some love story - your bloody children have been and are being exposed to domestic abuse, the dysfunction is screaming out from your posts.

Do you want your girls to date abusers? Be attracted to them? To go for heavily dysfunctional men?

Well don't be surprised when they do after the poor example they have been set by their parents.

Once this scumbag senses you are backing off he will be all over you like a rash - and from what you have said you are desperately keen for that to happen.

You are both trapped in the nice/nasty cycle of abuse.

If you stay together try not to expose your children to these dynamics - oh wait that's impossible. Go figure

You are right @QuiteLikely5 I am absolutely stuck it this shit like quick sand. Why? I can't answer. I must be crazy right? I've had CBT to get over my feelings of low self worth. That was 7 years ago. I start new therapy next week. I was brought up in this type of relationship & here we go again, I had literally no relationship with my father, in fact I would go as far as to say I hated him. I have never had a healthy relationship with a man come to think of it.

Had a very similar story. The more successful my business got, the more my stbxh tried to put me down, rather than celebrate. I eventually threatened - relationship counselling to address issue(s) or end it. We had a few months of counselling and it helped me clarify that I'd done my best, he wasn't going to change and I either resign myself to the deeply unfulfilling life with him and stop moaning about it, or do what was within my control - leave. I felt terrible about putting my children through a divorce, but decided that we're their main role models on relationships - what to give and what to expect. That did it for me! One year and a very messy divorce (ongoing) later, and ending it remains one of the best decisions I've ever made. Take care of yourself and remember that charity begins at home. Good luck!

Hi OP,

I agree with QUITELIKELY (sorry can't find bold), I had the same questions to ask you.

I would add that until you reconcile within yourself the hatred you feel for your father, you will not have good male relationships! Also, I've noticed that when you grow up with sort of dynamic (myself included), you seek out and find this type of relationship to be passionate!

I've had to work on my esteem and hold off any relationships until I can make good choices.

As others have said, go on holiday with the children only as you need that breathing space to reset and think clearly.

Good luck
D

Thank you all for your replies, which are no surprise to me at all. I am no fool and yet I am acting like one, waiting and pining over this arsehole like my life depended on it!

Sorry I don't know how to tag you or reply so I hope you get to see how grateful I am for you taking the time to respond to me.

You are not a fool - you are amazing. abuse is not happening because you are a fool, but you are now finding the strength to do something about it. These is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck x

Close your eyes

Imagine you are walking along a road. It has beautiful scenery interspersed with stony, grey, grim landscapes.

You get to a fork in the road.
The left hand path is grey, grim, thunderstorms, heavy dark clouds, rocks and stones that would cut your feet, cold winds blow. It looks bleak desperate and lonely on that path, despite in the distance you can see a few isolated blue patches.

The right hand path has beautiful hills, green fields, leafy trees, flowers, sunshine a warm wind is gently blowing. There are refreshing gurgling streams , animals in the fields . You can see one or two dark clouds but the overall picture is warm and welcoming.

Now here's the difficult question. Think about it because once you set on the path. There's no turning back.

WHICH ONE WILL YOU CHOOSE?

it's a hard one isn't it? Especially if you apply it to your life with this man.

It seems like inside of you three there are are two. The little girl who didn't have a good father and is sad and desperate to be loved and the grown up go-getter who knows exactly what's what.

The little girl wants the dream relationship so she sacrifices herself in every attempt to achieve this with any old man because she believes only then will she be ok. She also deludes herself that she is 'love' with this man or that he is 'the one' or 'the love of her life'. None of this is true - it's just the yearning in her heart.

The only positive way forward is to heal the hurt girl with love from you. It just doesn't work any other way. It's a hard journey but no harder than staying with someone who continues to and always will treat you without respect.

Do this for your dc too.

Hi Op,

Dowser makes a really valid point when creating that image.

I am currently leaving this sort of relationship behind and I did that by not focusing on him but looking at my behaviour and why I was realising how special I am.

It was then that I started to reframe things. A friend also asked me 'what does he do for you?' I struggled to think of one thing. You are not a fool, we have witnessed tricky marriage breakdowns etc growing up

Are you in the uk? If so, do the Freedom Programme. It will sort your head out in record time - you will see Dowser's lovely path as clear as day and jump to be on it. Google the Freedom Programme, click 'find a course' to find a course near you. Go! As soon as. You won't be sorry.

Plenty of us have been in the relationship vice you describe. Yy there's very probably childhood history that made you susceptible to abusive men - you'll be able to work on that once you get him out of your life. The FP is a short cut to getting out, knowing with absolute clarity you are doing the right thing - for both you and your children, as QuiteLikely5 points out. If you struggle to make this decision for you, PLEASE do it for your kids.

I agree to get away for a bit - it is astonishing how the pull in these horrible relationships starts to break down when we're out of their orbit for even a week.

Do the FP online if you are not in the UK - it is not (nowhere near) as good as doing it with others BUT it's good stuff nonetheless.

You can do this. Plenty of us have, when we truly couldn't see how we could. We did it, we are free, our children are free from the pain of relationships like this. You've done so well in your business, you can do this

Thank you everyone, from the bottom of my heart, honestly I am so grateful. Looking up the freedom programme now ❤️❤️ springdaffs

Sorry springydaffs