He wants babies & we're barely even in a relationship! Confused!

[Chimpynoodle]

I have been seeing a wonderful man for about 18 months. Started out as a "normal" boyfriend / girlfriend type thing, but then lapsed into a "lets meet up occasionally, have great sex, loads of fun & then go back to our respective busy independent lives til next time". We're both very commitment phobic, but this change was more instigated by him than me. Nevertheless, I've found this type of relationship far easier and less intrusive and it's really suited me very well.
Anyhoo, life has a habit of throwing up some funny little suprises when you least expect them, and yesterday, he suggested that if I became pregnant, it would be fantastic, our lives would change, I would no longer be a single parent - and "how many pregnancies are planned anyway?". And for the first time ever, he wanted to spend some time with DD - I've always kept her well out of it, although she knows about him & has met him a couple of times (and he's been quite happy with that).
Now call me old fashioned, but I've always thought that either you want to be in a relationship with someone & make babies, or you don't. You don't just "not use any contraception & see what happens"! Incidentally, he's a GP and I'm a social worker, so it's not as if we're unaware of the implications of an unplanned pregnancy outside of a stable relationship. He is a very very intelligent man, very careful, focused, always knows what he wants out of life etc. So this woolly approach is totally out of character. The only conclusion I can draw is that he wants both me & his independent lifestyle equally & feels that he needs a catalyst to make him choose between the 2 things. Does that sound plausible? Or do you think he sounds like a prat?!

Hmmmm, I think he has a very romanticised idea of what it's like being a parent!

I wonder if he really wants children but just can't admit it to himself?

I think this one needs a lot of talking between the two of you. IMO if he is starting to talk like this, you need to make him understand that the relationship has to change. Both of you know of the pit falls to bringing a child into this world in a relationship like this. Do you want it to go in another direction? If so, you need to start including dd in things before anything else happens. I hope I don't sound like I'm lecturing, you're the social worker afterall! But you did ask!

Hi there, For what it's worth, I think a new baby puts a massive strain on people who are totally committed and loved up so ....yikes!Are you sure the idea hasn't occurred to him on a whim? You're very brave if you take him up on it.

A baby is a massive strain on the best relationships.
I would suggest that you both live together first for minimum of a year with your DD.
Suggest this, he may want a family but as Janos says is unsure how to say it, maybe his feelings towards you are much stronger than you realise, but he still needs a reality check.
Suggest the living together and see what happens from there?

Yes, he sounds like a prat and I've a feeling if you had a baby with him you'd wind up . . . well, a single parent.

Of two rather than one.

He sounds really, really immature.

You're not even in a committed relationship and he wants to bring a child into it?

I think it sounds as though he's already married with a family of his own!

Too right princess, you lecture away! You're right, some talking and clarification is absolutely what's needed, and obviously me & DD come as a package & her happiness is paramount so they need to spend some time getting to know each other (and he seems to be indicating that he knows this & wants to, which is brilliant. Plus she really likes him anyway).
As to whether I want it to go in a different direction... well, the bottom line is that I love this man body and soul and can't imagine being with someone else. In fact I'd kind of decided that I'd accept having this sort of limbo relationship with him for the rest of my life, if that was all we could manage. I've never experienced this kind of raw consuming love, and the ease and smoothness that I feel when we're together. So, um, I guess that would suggest that I do want more! Although I've never allowed myself to think about it before now.

Thanks everyone for your lovely range of responses. I think it's me that needs a reality check, I'm all over the flipping place. Forty - yup, I had thought of that one - as I said "funny little suprises when you least expect them"...!

I think you two have a long way to go before you could wisely consider having a child with this person. A lot of talking, a lot of time together, etc.

Good luck.

Chimpynoodle -