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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he a commitment phobe? Should I continue?

19 replies

Bamboogie86 · 03/06/2017 15:22

Okay I'm 30, have a chronic illness that does affect my life quite a bit (ulcerative colitis). No kids...yet but would love to have them. I like the mumsnet forum as always good advice so don't launch at me for posting without kids lol.

Met a guy when I was 14. We went out and it was all very innocent. We broke up, moved on, grew up. I met him a few months ago at local park with my dog, he had his. We got speaking and he added me on facebook. I just got out of a relationship with a drug addict (was with him for a year of a complete rollercoaster). Prior to this I was single for a while and my longest relationship was 6 years.

Anyway, dog guy from the past asked me out on a date three weeks ago. In three weeks we have seen each other 16 times lol. Done lots of dog walking together for hours/miles, and had 4 proper dates. I feel as though I am falling. He is a total gent, really nice and we have such a laugh. Tells me constantly how attracted he is to me etc.

He has been single for...10 years. He's 32. He has had flings and one night stands in these ten years. He then said to me he has trust/commitment issues as his ex from ten years ago cheated on him and it was messy and he hasnt been able to trust yet.

We have innuendo convos all the time and he told me he didnt want to mess this up by sleeping with me too soon. I thought wow hes an odd one haha (jokes). Lots of pdas, hand holding, cuddling, constant compliments.

So now its just over three weeks, I made a joke about how he hasnt made it official with me yet or asked me to be his girlfriend. His response "I don't like labels, I really like you and didnt realise I had to ask you to be my girlfriend. We are seeing each other and that's enough for me, im not interested in anyone else and I really like you". I then thought fair enough, but I just don't know now. I think we have hung out a lot and the problem probably is im falling for him. I dont want to keep seeing him if this is going to be something casual.

I prob sound like a needy nutter haha but would appreciate thoughts on this. In my previous relationships the guys made it official with me after 2 weeks. All three told me they loved me within a month. I kknow I shouldn't compare.

OP posts:

DarkFloodRises · 03/06/2017 15:28

I think -

Seeing you 16 times in 3 weeks = great!
Not sleeping with you or saying he loves you or calling you his girlfriend after 3 weeks = fine
Single for 10 years = this is the only thing you've said that would bother me

Maybe just carry on for a few weeks and see how it goes?

rookiemere · 03/06/2017 15:29

Gosh you've been going out for 2 weeks and you're worried that he doesn't want to call you his gf or sleep with you just yet.
Slow down lady!
He sounds nice, it's better not to rush these things, just try to relax a bit and see what happens.

TheNaze73 · 03/06/2017 15:30

Put the breaks on!! You'll scare him away

HildaOg · 03/06/2017 15:32

I would run for the hills if someone asked me to be official after three weeks. As for your exes declaring love after a month? Where did you find those idiots?? That is not normal. Love develops slowly over time, people who declare love instantly have no idea what love is. They tend to have attachment disorders and mental health issues.

Take it slowly. You barely know each other. Enjoy getting to know him. There's no need to rush.

iffikitty · 03/06/2017 15:35

So previous guys have made it official in 2 weeks and declared love within a month. But they're all gone, so it didn't work.

Try something different, a guy who doesn't rush in and say stuff he doesn't mean.

Original poster

Bamboogie86 · 03/06/2017 15:38

I actually have mental health issues lol prob should have declared that at the start. All started when I got physically ill

OP posts:

messofajess · 03/06/2017 15:39

eeeek! Tell him you're sorry for the pressure and actually don't expect anything and enjoying how things are. I've also had men tell me within a month and stuff but that was in my 20s. I think as you get older ypu need a bit more time before you start labelling things. I would take not wanting to sleep with you just get as a sign it's going in the gf direction.

noego · 03/06/2017 15:43

Everyone has commitment phobia at 4 weeks don't they?

Original poster

Bamboogie86 · 03/06/2017 16:28

Lol. Thanks everyone. The general consensus is that I'm being pushy lol. Luckily he hasn't ran for the hills. I am just going to enjoy it and not let it bother me.

OP posts:

Sn0tnose · 03/06/2017 16:39

I'd be a little concerned about him having trust and commitment issues from ten years ago, but other than that, I think you're right to just enjoy it for the time being. Think of it as good friends who are still getting to know each other, rather than anything full on, and just enjoy each other's company.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2017 16:46

I have two thoughts. 1, you've got to slow down and take it easy or you're going to scare the shit out of this guy. 2, He's still carrying baggage from a bad relationship from TEN years ago when he was basically a kid? Yikes. Get over it already. I worry that he's one of those people who will always compare a partner to the old one who did him wrong.

messofajess · 03/06/2017 17:02

I imagine there's a bit more to the story of why he hasn't been in a relationship then he's ready to let on. It hasn't really been long enough for him to truly open up maybe?

josuk · 03/06/2017 22:57

He seems like a good guy and taking it slowly isn't such a bad idea, don't you think?
Don't look for things that are wrong. And - there are no guarantees - you just started, so whether or not this will end up as something long term and serious - no one knows.
He certainly doesn't seem like he is treating this as a casual fling.
And - at this day and age - 'declarations' and 'making things official' - really? Teenagers do that - 'go steady' and all that.
You are adults, and things seem to be progressing nicely!!!!

As to being single for 10 years. It all depends on the definition. Not like he's been a monk!!!

Flings, etc. He dated, just didn't meet anyone, didn't fall for anyone.
Why blame him for that? Not like he could help it.

He met you know. And he likes you.
Don't question. Enjoy.

Original poster

Bamboogie86 · 03/06/2017 23:57

Thank you :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Bamboogie86 · 05/06/2017 14:31

After all that lol he asked me to be his girlfriend. Hopefully this is the start of something great. He is just shy lol.

OP posts:

Anothernewnn · 05/06/2017 15:30

Following this thread with interest.

How long is the norm before calling someone your girlfriend?

Original poster

Bamboogie86 · 05/06/2017 22:03

I think 3-4 weeks is a good time. Obviously we all have different views on this but this is my personal view.

OP posts:

messofajess · 05/06/2017 22:16

Haha I'm happy for you! Maybe he was just annoyed you brought it up before he could be all romantic and ask x

fantasmasgoria1 · 06/06/2017 08:04

me and my fiancé were bf and gf after only a few days and now we live together and are engaged! It's an individual thing in the past I would never have done this but I just knew he was the one and vice Versa! Sometimes you just have to not have pressure and see where things go! Pleased for you!

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