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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No contact after a first date

23 replies

PinkFluff2 · 03/06/2017 12:59

I went on a first date last night and it was ok. I felt like the conversation was a bit more difficult than it has been over text but it's the first time we've met so ok. I felt like I was having to make most of the conversation though.

We went for a meal and then afterwards I thought he was dropping me off home but he was wanting to carry the evening on asking 'What should we do now?' So we went for a drink somewhere. He then was suggesting coming back to my house which I found a bit forward but there was nothing to suggest he was going to try anything so he came in. We watched tv for a while and talked a bit more and then he left a couple of hours later. No attempts of anything untoward.

Outside the door he asked if he could kiss me which took me by surprise as I couldn't work out whether this date had gone well or not. But he had wanted to spend longer with me after the meal and wanted to kiss me.

After he left I text him saying thankyou for the night and I've not heard a word since. Nothing.

It's my first time dating since I got completely ghosted last year quite badly.

Why would someone extend the evening and ask for a kiss if they had no intentions of ever speaking to you again?

Yes I know it hasn't been long but he has always replied quickly. Always. And he has been online since then so it's out of character.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/06/2017 13:04

You must have been mad allowing this man into your house! Why would you do that? It was clear you didn't want to sleep with him - how could you know he was OK with that?

JK1773 · 03/06/2017 13:09

You put yourself in a potentially really dangerous situation there OP. Blimey you don't know him. It's a bit early yet. He might reply, he might be a chancer who has moved on as he didn't get his leg over. Impossible to say but it's been one date! I'd just leave it now. If he wants to get in touch he will

iffikitty · 03/06/2017 13:11

He was probably hoping for sex. Luckily for you he wasn't the pushy type, but you didn't know that when you invited him in. Stay safe, be more cautious OP.

PinkFluff2 · 03/06/2017 13:12

He's not a complete stranger, he is friends with my friends boyfriend so I could be reasonably sure he's not nutcase. I wouldn't have let him come in otherwise!

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 03/06/2017 13:25

It's not even been an a day yet. Forget it & get on with your day

Ladyformation · 03/06/2017 13:29

This was last night? It's only lunchtime, relax! It's 48 hours until you even need to start thinking about it!

RNBrie · 03/06/2017 13:34

I think he was hoping for sex but doesn't think there is relationship potential. You said yourself it was only an ok date and he hasn't replied to your text. If he's playing it cool and still hoping for sex you might hear from him again in a couple of days but I'd be inclined to write this off if you're looking for an actual relationship. If he was really into you then you'd know.

JennyHolzersGhost · 03/06/2017 13:37

He was angling for a shag.

LiveLongAndProspero · 03/06/2017 13:37

He didn't get any so he's moving on to the next mark. No mystery here.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/06/2017 13:39

A friend of your friend's boyfriend IS a stranger. And not all rapists are nutcases. Don't invite a man into your house until you are completely comfortable with him - if he'd decided to force the issue your message would be very different today.

He's probably a perfectly nice guy, but you had no way of knowing that. Slow down a bit...

PinkFluff2 · 03/06/2017 13:47

Believe me I would have preferred he didn't come in. It felt bizarre that he had even suggested it but it was more the way he phrased it that made it awkward to say no to.

He has been openly saying how he is looking for a relationship, which I usually find means the opposite.

OP posts:
LiveLongAndProspero · 03/06/2017 13:49

IF you can't say no to strange men wanting to come into your house when you don't want to, you are so not ready for dating. You put yourself in a dangerous position.

JennyHolzersGhost · 03/06/2017 13:50

I'd class that as testing boundaries and it would put me off seeing him again anyway tbh.

Arealhumanbeing · 03/06/2017 14:02

You sound really passive, OP. You thought he would take you home but then he suggested a drink, you were taken aback that he wanted to come in but he did.

What about what you want to do?

Forget what he thinks of you. What do you think of him?

Do you really want that reply?

Do you really want to see him again?

There's a sad tone to your post. Are you happy day to day? Being ghosted is shit. It's so awful and can affect someone for a long time.

I wonder if the way you feel is more about that? I noticed that you don't mention really really liking or fancying him (not saying you don't) Were you excited about the date?

esk1mo · 03/06/2017 14:06

you dont sound like you think the date was any good, so why do you even care? do you just want him to like you?

id accept the fact there was no real chemistry, make it your decision to not get down about him. if you feel like you want a 2nd date & he suggests one, then go if you want to. dont feel pressured into saying yes though.

seriously there are probably over a billion eligble young single men on the planet, dont settle for something mediocre.

DearMrDilkington · 03/06/2017 14:10

Please don't be afraid to say no to something you aren't 100% comfortable with. Things could have turned nasty very quickly...

Don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation like that again, take things slow and steady.

PinkFluff2 · 03/06/2017 14:15

You're all right, I guess I've always been a bit of a push over. Just tend to go along with what everyone else wants to do rather than what I actually want.

The being ghosted last year thing has definitely affected me a lot. It was so awful so some of how I'm feeling may be down to that. It's made me see relationships in such a different way.

The date last night felt like hard work at times, a lot of the conversation was down to me and I can't say he made me excited. He was nice and I would have gone on a second date to see if it was just nerves or whatever.

I just find the way people disappear these days so hurtful and childish. I also think looking back to last night there were some red flags I was maybe ignoring.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 03/06/2017 14:17

The date sounds shit, you're not assertive enough to say no to a man you barely know and you're stressing because you haven't heard from him after what, 12 hours?

You're really not cut out/ready yet for dating, seriously.

Arealhumanbeing · 03/06/2017 14:18

Believe me I would have preferred he didn't come in. It felt bizarre that he had even suggested it but it was more the way he phrased it that made it awkward to say no to.

This is really concerning. You don't have to let anyone into your house if you don't want to. What was it that made saying no feel awkward? Was it the idea of disappointing him? Was it what he might think?

Really think about why saying no was awkward and for you and therefore not possible.

DearMrDilkington · 03/06/2017 14:32

Take a break from dating and focus on yourself for a while. You aren't ready.

BackforGood · 03/06/2017 14:44

I just find the way people disappear these days so hurtful and childish

eh?

You were with him last night.
I wouldn't expect any contact this early.
101 reasons why he might not be available for a chat this morning (which, as you posted at lunchtime is all it was)........

Still asleep / lying in
Phone dead, battery gone or dropped it and broke it
At work
Playing a sport
Helping a mate
Just mooching about watching TV or something and phone in another room
Is with other people, and not bothering with phone
Is out somewhere and hasn't heard phone
Is nervous and doesn't want to appear too keen

It sounds pretty desperate to be thinking he needs to call or text you within hours of leaving you. Sounds like he was very gentlemanly and normal kind of a bloke to me - not every person feels they either want to, nor have a right to sex on a first date, despite what some MNers would have you believe.

LiveLongAndProspero · 03/06/2017 14:46

I just find the way people disappear these days so hurtful and childish

It was one date, with a man you didn't even like! Where is the hurt? Nobody owes you contact. Neither is it childish, but expecting contact is.

Herestonevergrowingup · 03/06/2017 14:52

Try to work out why you let him come back to yours when you didn't want him to.

Next time you have a date I would work out and plan in advance how you want it to go, how long you will stay, how you will get home and what you will say if you find yourself in the same position again. It sounds like you just went along with what he wanted despite it being uncomfortable for you.

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