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Original poster

Is this odd?

23 replies

EarlyWelcome · 03/06/2017 08:38

I have been with my DP for almost 4 years but due to mutual circumstances,'we don't live together.

He has one particular friend who I admit, I do not like due to his awful attitude to women (he thinks women are objects who exist purely to please him).

My DP and his friend go out for drinks together about every month, taking turns to go out in the city in which his friend lives and my DP's home town. When his friend comes to DP he tends to stay over. I am not invited to stay over on those nights. This hasn't been a problem, as his friendships are none of my business and I wouldn't team of telling DP who he can be friends with.

However, talking to my DP last night, he told me that the friend regularly brings women back to DP's house. I was a bit Shock as he has never mentioned this to me before.

I didn't say anything at the time but am I over reacting to find it a bit odd that my DP allows his friend to bring what are effectively (from the sounds of it, very drunk) strangers into his home? Also, I find it odd that my DP hasn't mentioned this in four years.

Am I being overly sensitive and should I just let it go? Obviously, I have no right to tell my DP who he can and can't have in his house but this is just not sitting right with me. Can anyone give me some perspective on this please?

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 03/06/2017 08:42

As you say you can't dictate. But I wouldn't like it, very drunk partners and ability to give sexual consent don't go hand in hand.

Whilst I realise it's not your DP that's having the sex, I wouldn't want my DP to have any part of it.

TokenGinger · 03/06/2017 08:42

I'd feel uncomfortable with this too. I'm not sure how I'd deal with it though xx

DownTownAbbey · 03/06/2017 08:58

It would make me look at my DP in a different light. It's rather creepy. What else has he airbrushed out to maintain your view of him? Or what else does he think isn't worth mentioning?

I'm not saying that I wholeheartedly endorse everything my friends do, but I find people who over look misogyny as irrelevant worrying.

Ladyformation · 03/06/2017 09:03

I don't find it odd. I mean, the guy sounds like a creepy misogynist for other reasons, but a few drunken ONSs at a mate's house? No big deal.

Original poster
EarlyWelcome · 03/06/2017 09:20

Thank you for your opinions everyone. I suppose my main concern relates to my DP becoming involved in a situation where the woman accuses either the friend or DP of doing something without consent.

Also, I don't agree with enabling the friend's misogyny.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 03/06/2017 09:22

Also, I don't agree with enabling the friend's misogyny.

Well said and I'd be making that clear to your DP.

Underthemoonlight · 03/06/2017 09:24

I would feel uneasy about I'm just wondering why don't you live together after 4 years?

TheNaze73 · 03/06/2017 09:28

I think I'd find you odd for mentioning it, if I was him. Don't see what he's doing wrong.

Smeaton · 03/06/2017 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MysweetAudrina · 03/06/2017 09:31

I'd be more worried that they are on the pull together. Like does your dp not get tired of being the 3rd wheel every time they go out. What's he doing while his mate chats up women and spends the night flirting with them and then brings them back to the shag pad. Does he just stand at the bar sipping his pint on his own waiting for friend to score and then get a taxi home with the couple. Seems like a shite way to spend his night.

LesisMiserable · 03/06/2017 09:35

Right. So you're not worried about your DP shagging someone else then on these nights? No its not that? Because thats perfectly rational you know and its ok to say it out loud. What his friend does is up to him and the women's welfare is a false argument and you know it. They're having a little party once a month and you're not invited. Lets talk.about how that makes you feel because that is what this boils down to, isnt it.

Original poster
EarlyWelcome · 03/06/2017 09:43

To answer some of the questions. We don't live together because I care for an elderly relative and to have to move house or move DP in would cause them emotional distress due to their condition.

I really don't think he would cheat on me LesisMiserable. I am a staunch feminist and the idea of the friend treating DP's house as a shag pad to bring back women where I'm not even sure they have the capacity to consent actually makes me feel sick. The fact that DP is allowing this and thinks it's fine does not sit right with me.

I think this has actually raised more questions for me. I hadn't really given any thought to what DP might be doing when the friend is chatting up the women. It really doesn't sound very fun if he is just sitting on his own does it?! Confused

OP posts:
HildaOg · 03/06/2017 09:50

People can fuck who they want. What the friend and his sex partners do is irrelevant and I really don't believe you're concerned about them.

Your real concern that you somehow fear voicing is what your partner is doing while his friend is chasing women. Are any of these womens friends going back to the house with them. Is he getting himself into inappropriate situations. Or is he chasing women himself.

We live in a culture where even suspecting a partner has you labelled as jealous but tbh, most men will cheat given the opportunity and believing they will get away with it. Your partners behaviour does lead to suspicion.

Desmondo2016 · 03/06/2017 09:50

I actually think Lesismiserable makes a really valid point. What your DPs friend does is absolutely of no concern to you regardless of where he does it and your DP is probably just being a typical bloke and not giving it that much thought. After 4 years I wouldn't need an invite to stay at my partners house so just be there next time if it bothers you. I'm not sure how staunch feminism is relevant tbh. Live and let live would be a good motto here.

LedaP · 03/06/2017 09:54

How do you know they are that drunk they cant consent?

Either he has told you that they cimpletely hammered, in which case he is helping a rapist.

Or you have assumed they are and you think he is the type of person who is happy to provide somewhere for his friend to rape women.

Either way this relationship sounds like its dead in the water.

Original poster
EarlyWelcome · 03/06/2017 09:57

I wholly agree that people can have sex with who they want. I would never dream of judging a man or a woman for how/when/how many times they have sex. I am concerned though that my DP is allowing his friend to bring back women to his house who may not have the capacity to consent. My DP even said 'you should see the state some of the women were in'

This does not sound appropriate to me. I don't know. Perhaps I am a bit threatened by it. The secrecy for four years is not good and as PPs have mentioned - what is DP's role in all of this?

I think we need to sit down and have a chat. The only thing is - I'm not sure what he can do about it. I can't tell him not to go out with his friend or who to have in his house. Also, I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel the need to turn up at his house after he's had a night out just to check he is not having sex with other women!

Thank you everyone. Smile

OP posts:
Smeaton · 03/06/2017 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

troodiedoo · 03/06/2017 10:10

His friend can't manage one night a month without dragging a drunk woman home for sex?! Blimey.

All you can do is tell your partner that you are very uncomfortable with the whole thing. But he must know that already or he wouldn't have kept it quiet for four years. Why has he told you now?
I'd find it very hard to believe that he's not involved in the sordid pick ups.

AceholeRimmer · 03/06/2017 10:24

I think it's shit he is mates with someone sexist and would think he had poor judgement.. but the one night stands wouldn't bother me, he's an adult and hopefully has his own room.

LesisMiserable · 03/06/2017 10:45

The more I read the more I think more is going to come out of this.

ImperialBlether · 03/06/2017 12:32

Me too. And I think they're a hairsbreadth away from a rape charge, tbh. I'm afraid I wouldn't be convinced about your boyfriend's fidelity, OP.

Original poster
EarlyWelcome · 03/06/2017 14:58

OP here. I'm actually becoming progressively more angry at this whole nonsense. He has presented these nights out as a chance to catch up with his old friend. Whereas in reality, it appears that he has either been a third wheel or he has been out acting like a single man.

OP posts:
BubblingUp · 03/06/2017 15:21

I would think less of DP for having a friend like this in the first place.

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