Why am i doing this

[user1496437371]

Long time lurker of the site. Just seen the thread from the OW who is sorry.

I'm aware of the flaming im going to get. I deserve it and i think i need to read it.

I currently am the OW. Its shit and pathetic. Still i cant walk away clinging onto the hope that if he loved me like he does said then he would be with me. Obviously he wont. I clearly have no morals. And karma will probably come for me and wreck any future relationship i have.

This time last year, i was still with my partner of 8/9 years. He was EA ive now learnt about gaslighting and twice physically (though both these times he was drunk?)I convinced myself i was staying to try and have a happy family life and things would work out. But it wore me and my mental health down. I was afraid of leaving as i had convinced myself that he would take the child and run away. We were on/off for the last 2 years of the relationship and he always went back to the same woman when he wasnt with me. Turns out he was cheating on me with her for the majority of the time aswell. So yeah i was deeply unhappy.

Then a new guy started at my job. Always friendly to me and i got the impression he liked me. I fancied him to and was desperate to be single but still too afraid. Started messaging on social media. Then i met up with him for a coffee (obvs my partner at the time didnt know) and we kissed. Before this id never cheated before maybe i was self sabotaging. He knew i had a bf but at this stage i didnt know he had a gf. I knew he had a child but the way he spoke i just assumed he was single??

around a week after this i found proper foolproof evidence my partner was cheating on me with OW. I grew a set of balls and told him it was over... hoping he would leave me alone as he has someone else. and he has thankfully. he still has access to DC. Even though he was awful to me he has been a good dad.

and of course i then find out the guy from work has a GF. im a bit gutted but then again my head is all over the place due to the breakdown of my (shit) relationship. I still dont know how half of this has happened. It didnt stop when he told me about her. The txting and meeting up continued. Then we started sleeping together. We went on a "date" during the date he mentioned that he wanted to be out with me to show me it wasnt just sex. Well we have only been out twice in 9 months so clearly its just sex . Although we do go on lunch times together and he txts me ALL day every day.

He tells me hes unhappy hates his life etc. I asked him would he not consider leaving then ? he says he is afraid of loosing his child. And i do get it. I cant expect him just to up and walk away for me. but i meant just that if his relationship was so bad why would he not leave. But do people honestly just stay for the kids? I know i did for a long time. But eventually i couldnt take it anymore.

I know i need to walk away. I turn 30 this year and cant believe this is my life. Its shit.

It's ok. Everything will be ok, but only if you do the right thing, get far away and never look back. You can transform your life at 30. Deep breath and do it.

You can't keep making excuses.
You also cannot keep making bad decision after bad decision, never learning or growing or changing.
You aren't helpless. You can resist him you can move on... you can be alone.

I know you feel bad about yourself but if you make these bad choices how can you have any hope anything will ever improve?

Thank u both. I have said many times it needs to stop. But then get sucked back in. I do worry about being alone but at the same time im just so happy im free from EXP.... nothing could be worse than that. tbh i just feel like a pathetic person. I never in a million years thought id be low enough to be an OW.

He's reading from the cheater's script. 'My life is shit, I'm only staying for my child's sake, yada, yada.' Don't rely on him to make you feel strong. You are strong, you left an abusive partner. Don't stand for being kept in the shadows, in a secret relationship. Leave him to his 'shit' life. Break out on your own, and don't settle. You've did it before, you can do it again. Allow yourself the freedom to pursue a relationship which is happy and healthy.

OP you sound distressed and sad.

Some time out from everything is probably what you need.

I'm a single mum and stayed single purposefully after leaving a very shit relationship so I could find contentment on my own. I focussed on my work and my kid.

Best decision I ever made (after leaving the idiot of course)

Being on your own is the strong decision to take here.

thank you just muddling. i know so much that he is just saying all that. but then the stupid part of me is thinking..... but what if he's telling the truth.

it has to end. im sitting on my one child free night crying my eyes out over this shite. i was on anitdepressants last year as i almost had a nervous breakdown due to EXP. But i had ordered a repeat prescription for some other things and they forgot to put them on so i just sort of stopped taking them. I know i prob should go back to GP.

our workplace is pretty huge so should be able to avoid him. Plus he has to go work at another site for a week...the week after next.

Jeaux i am distressed tbh. I just feel like ive been in a daze since i found out everything about EXP (even though im so glad i found out) but i feel like i havent taken everything in .

im fully aware none of this is an excuse for my behavoir

You know what I get from reading your post?
You've been strong enough to recognise and rid yourself of a bad relationship.
You can recognise it and do it again. It seems flattering but isn't really.

but then the stupid part of me is thinking..... but what if he's telling the truth. But he is showing you the truth. That it's just sex. He's taken you out twice in nine months. You've had two crap relationships that have overlapped. You need some time, just to yourself. Stop thinking that at 30 you're too old/past it/have baggage. You're just a pup at 30. You're wasting time, happy for the crumbs that he's allowing you to have. On your child free night you should be out at the cinema, a restaurant, a party or the pub. Anywhere but sitting on your own, crying. Please go back to your GP, it might be the 1st step in you standing up tall, sorting out your life and realising you're better than this.

Please take some time out to heal from the split. Go back to your GP. Be kind to yourself. Spend time with friends or family that genuinely care about you.

The sort of "love" you are getting from this man is not the type you need. X

happy for the crumbs... that actually resonates with me so much cos thats all i get. Will have to book appointment with GP im not coping very well at the minute.

im very fortunate to have a child free day once per week (i know lots of people dont get this) but i do nothing! all my friends are coupled up or have babies so rarely go out. to be honest id rather just have my daughter here so id be occupied looking after her. But at same time i understand its important for her to have a relationship with her dad.

ps i want to say thank u to everyone for being so kind. i didnt expect it and was a bit afraid.

You need to focus on getting over your past relationship, and for this you need to be alone. This other guy is a distraction, keeping you and your mind busy so you don't have to deal with the grief of your last relationship. Start making action plan to get yourself, your life, back on track and towards finding happiness (alone) again. Xxx

this whole week ive been very "off" with him. in my head i know i need to get out of this. we went for lunch yesterday.... and he said he loved me, and i just said no u dont. (we have previously said we loved each other) but i obviously know he doesnt and is just using me. He was a bit gobsmacked by my reaction.

Then last night i got a text saying "I do love you by the way"
i replied what made u say that? and he replied it hurt when i said he didnt and he needed me to know as its not often he is serious.

the whole thing is a mind fuck. i am going to txt him tomorrow ending things.

ps i know ending things by txt is probably bad but we dont speak on the fone

Great. Then block him. Concentrate on getting your head straight. Would you want this kind of relationship for your DD when she's older? No? Then don't put up with it yourself. Time to sort yourself out before even thinking of getting involved with anyone else. Onwards and upwards.

do i just block him then go into work on monday and avoid? he is in constant contact with me. literally 100 txts or more per day.im not exaggerating. he has txt night night so he will certainly know in the morning something is up if i dont reply to his good morning txt.

or do i send a txt saying its over? which ive done at least 5 times or more before?

Text once, block and never respond again. If he gets in your face at work say nothing.

Worst case tell him if he doesn't leave it, you'll go to his partner with the truth.

You're better than this x I'm glad you're ending it

Personally, this is how I'd do it... I'd pick a time at which he's not likely to be looking at his phone (about now would be perfect as he's probably asleep) so he wouldn't be immediately be firing back questions, demands, etc. Then I'd compose a text saying very clearly it's over, thanks for the good times (or whatever other platitudes/niceties felt appropriate), also that I'd be blocking and deleting his number so he should expect to hear no further from me, I'm sure he'll understand etc, wishing him well, blah blah...

Send the text. Block and delete his number immediately.

Hearing nothing from him will be really strange to begin with, especially if he's been texting you 100+ times a day. I think you're likely to feel quite empty and lonely for the first week or so. Maybe there are some lovely things you can do for yourself as treats and distractions to help you get over the hump of the first few weeks of NC?

x-post with thestamp. Basically, exactly what's she says!!

Good luck.

I would text him, tell him you're not in a good place atm and ask him to have enough respect for you to leave you alone because that's what you need. Then block him and come back here every time you're tempted to unblock or contact him and we'll talk you down.

Would you consider/could you afford some counselling? It might make you feel you're doing something positive and give you that extra bit of strength to resist going back to him. You could schedule it for your DC-free day so you're doing something that's just for you with the time, maybe have a think about what else you could do with the rest of the day too, something that would give you a lift and make you feel good whether that's a walk in the park, a yoga class, going for a swim or a massage, whatever you enjoy.

What you and he are doing will never make you happy though OP and will cause a lot of pain to others if you're ever found out. You deserve better and so does his GF and the only person benefitting from all this is him, he's happily having his cake and eating it. I know it sounds like a cliche but spend some time building yourself up from the damage your last two relationships have done. The better you feel about yourself the more you realise your own worth and when you value yourself other people are more likely to do the same and treat you with the respect you deserve.

Make the break, you can't start the journey to feeling better about yourself and your life until you do.

I know you've ended it before but this time you have MumsNet! Have ten consecutive threads of a thousand messages each if need be as a virtual hand hold. That and you having finally had enough is the difference. Life is short and you know this doesn't suit the real you that is deep inside.

It's so hard leaving an abusive relationship, by the time you've left you've been broken down so much that you're very vulnerable and raw. You are worth so much more than this man.

Don't believe a word he says, he lies to his partner and he lies to you, for him it's all about sex with a variety of women. He'll never be happy with just one, once you're out of the picture there'll be someone else, if he ever lost his relationship and got with you he'd be cheating on you exactly as he does with her.

Try online dating. Set a date up for every night you're child free. There's lots of nice single men out there. You never know who you might meet.

I don't know whether he's lying or telling you the truth.

But I do know this relationship is wrong and making you deeply unhappy. You need to dredge up some self respect and walk away.

if he was telling the truth about loving you and being unhappy with his family life, he will summon the courage to leave and be with you.

If he was lying, he won't.

Either way, you will know the truth and either truthful scenario is better than the pathetic half life you're living.