Why is he so hopeless at everything, or is it my problem?

[clucks]

I need to offload this. I am very irritated with DH who has been busy with our major home renovation (didn't start out major) and decreasing his gainful self-employment gradually ever since. He has virtually no income now and I work part-time to support us (mortgage, nursery fees, bills, ever continuing renovation bills). It is getting me down. When we met, he was not a high achiever either but it mattered less. We are now married with a child and the stakes are much higher. I have always been supportive and only criticise him in rows and usually not aggressively. My family make comments about this and I know that they are right, upsetting me even more. Yet, he is always busy (with the house, which he hates doing and loses his temper over it). It's not as if he stays in bed; he is a slob, but a busy one. Just running around not achieving very much. He particularly likes going on courses, has started and not progressed much with his Masters (modular). and just doesn't seem to succeed at much.

This is the start of our life together and I worry that I have mistaken his role (provider?) or am I not nurturing his abilities like good wives are supposed to? I don't want to hurt him by challenging him and accusing him of failing, but I am having sleepless nights and worry about what kind of future we can provide for DS with me doing all the work. We are not in great financial difficulty, but I am always in the red and have had to take on extra work. Also we cannot plan an addition to our family without more money and a better relationship. I am confused about my complaint, am I awful in wishing he had more or 'earned' more?

[SofiaAmes]

clucks, it doesn't sound to me like money is actually the problem. It sounds more that he isn't contributing productively to the "partnership." The lack of money is only a symbol of lack of achievement in this case. If your husband were actually achieving something with the house or his courses or childcare or...., you would probably be happier. Then again, my cousin had a very similar situation with her husband (gave up good job to do house renovation which didn't progress although he alwasy seemed to be busy) He finally went to law school (though I don't think it was at her insistance) and became a lawyer last year and now works way too many hours and although he brings in lots of money she now complains that he is never around and isn't spending enough time with his children. I would suggest you have a good think about what you really want (money, a finished house, a working husband, help with household duties, more children, etc.) and then have a good non-accusatory talk with your husband as to how you can, as a team, achieve these goals so that you can both be happy. Good luck.

[Thewiseone]

Cluck - does your husband now qualify as a SAHD ? Who looks after your child when you're at work ? Is he at nursery all the time ?

I and another mumsnetter both have SAHD and we have a real bond because of it (we've become friends off mumsnet but haven't met !)... it can be very hard to be the main or only bread winner and it can generate big rows...

tells us a bit more if you want, we'll try to help.

[eire]

Clucks until I joined mumsnet I did not know any other women in the same position as me with the same kind of ongoing problems and resentments in their marriage.I have discovered there are several others here.
You have described my dear husband to a tee!
"running around and not achieving much"
You did not say how old your child is.
What bothers you most? The fact you have to work to support the family? Or the fact he does not take any financial responsibility himself?
Do you feel you are missing out on bringing up your child?
Do you feel he appreciates your input?
Do you basically feel you input more in general than he does?

Does he know you harbour these feelings of resentment?
This is a very big topic and I am aware I am probably not being much help , but no, you are not being awful.

If it helps, in my own case I think I feel let down by my husband who seemed to have so much potential but now is a bit of a washout on the provider front, with no sign of things improving.
Like you, I feel he is failing but it would be very hurtful to him to come right out and say this ( I know he feels this anyway and his low self esteem is part of the problem). However it seems to me he has no motivation to try to get on career wise as his life is perfectly comfortable with me going out to work part time.
In a roundabout way I am trying to say he is lazy. It worries me greatly for the future.
Sorry I was not able to offer any positive advice, just sympathy.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[SimonHoward]

Clucks

I have to say that my initial response would be to deliver a swift kick in the pants and tell him to get busy working or get busy renovating (tact is not and probably never will be my strongest point).

Saying that though I went through the same sort problem with DW before DD came on the scene, she wanted nothing more than to giveup work and stay at home until I sat down and explained exactly how difficult it would be to live to the standard she would like and after going through it carefully and gently she got the idea.

Maybe you ought to work things out ahead of time and then sit down with DH and tell him what you think and how difficult it is. You can always fall back on my first solution if that doesn't work.

[Thewiseone]

Bloss - I tried the riot act (several times)... it has never worked - I have come to accept that DH has his own pace for everything and there are days when I am as others : thoroughly fed-up and resentful... but he does take care of the kids (well) and he is very supportive of me... then again if he was he probably would find some ways of earning money

[hiding]

clucks, hang on in there. My dh has also spent the last couple of years renovating our house and studying while I support the family's day to day needs. You've got to keep reminding yourself how much value is being added to the house, and how much the work would cost if someone else were doing it. Also, if he's working on his own, it does take ages to do even the smallest thing. Builders have labourers to do all their chores, it's no joke when you have to do EVERYTHING yourself, from collecting the tools to washing up afterwards. Builders also save huge amounts of time by cowboying as many jobs as they can, whereas if you're doing it yourself, you tend to do a proper job. You can easily spend all morning on a job that looks like five minutes work.
I've just decided to change my nickname to post this, then I'll admit that when my dh fell down on his masters, I started doing the modules for him! The extra encouragement worked, he stayed interested enough to complete the course himself.

I'm not the greatest husband manager, I'd never have the nerve to give him a kick in the pants as suggested here! If you do, I think it's got to be constructive, not of the destructive kind. One thing though, I wouldn't let my family criticise him to me. They are always making supposedly sympathetic comments about how hard I am working and how much he should appreciate it, and I know that it is all part of their efforts to undermine him.

I think it's important to keep reminding yourselves, both of you, of what your ultimate goals are, and how long you expect to take to achieve them - a sort of business plan really. For example, when are you going to finish the house? Are you going to sell it and take the profits? Are certain improvements cost effective? Then he'll be less likely to get lost in details.

Sorry I've been rambling a bit, hope you sort it out! Your situation sounds so amazingly like mine.

[notme]

Just a comment from the other side, as somebody who spent quite a few years pursuing study which didn't really work out - eventually I dropped out, but not without a lot of guilt. Having failed, I was extremely depressed and spent a lot of time denying it to myself and to my partner - who was supporting me. Became very anti-social and not wanting to see anybody who might possibly ask how my studies were going. This put a huge strain on our relationship. But if ever challenged I became very defensive and not wanting to talk about it - I believed I had a right to work it out for myself, and felt DH was just attacking me, and exacerbating my already low feelings of self-worth. Eventually resolved the situation by becoming pregnant!!! That is, I needed something which allowed me to change careers without appearing to have failed. DH was quite unhappy as well with the latter move but in a different way. Anyway, perhaps what your partners need is not the proverbial kick up the a* but rather an exit option - something which allows them to change tack but not to admit failure??? Worth a thought perhaps.

[Jbr]

His role?! That's nonsense.

[clucks]

Thank you very much for all your advice and sympathy. It feels me with joy (and sympathy) to know that I am not the only 'nag'. Although I do not nag. The baby is almost two and Dh is nervous about being in sole charge because he is bullied easily by our DS, so he does not actually contribute to childcare. The house has increased in value but DH has not been renovating it by himself, he has been managing a series of 'cowboys' and good guys and getting very stressed that he can't do it all himself. I do truly sympathise and it's cost us a fortune.

I agree that it's not the money, it's things like losing vital documents for months and not looking for them, but painting the door instead. Attending expensive academic day courses when we can't afford them and resenting me secretly when he sacrifices his passion for learning.

I wish I could complete his modules for him but we're in different fields completely. He has lots of great plans and projects and feels disempowered (if this word exists) that he isn't economically active. I think he feels he needs to be providing but just can't get organised enough to do it. We had a huge row yesterday when I uttered the dreaded words 'why didn't you do it, you don't even have a proper job'. Well, he hit the roof. I didn't even mean to say it, I don't think I even meant what I said. But it is just soooo frustrating, witnessing him running around exhausted, disorganised and getting nowhere.

I don't mind being the breadwinner, I'm good at work (doesn't mean I like it). It would just be nice to do it less or because I want to and we also have my wish for another child.

It is not just work. I do generally far more, our child, work, housework (to a low standard), look after disabled/elderly parents, and I resent him and then feel guilty about everything. I'm sorry that I ramble and make sweeping generalisations about men and husbands and roles.
Thanks everyone, I do feel better.

[Jbr]

Clucks, he reminds me of someone I once knew. It's trivial by comparison but he was always putting up shelves and doing the electrics himself rather than pay someone! It's dangerous apart from anything else.