Shouting - but not "at" anyone

[cantthinkofannewname]

Let me start by saying I'm really not sure about posting this, as it's not a huge problem. Just a bit of a niggle really.
DH and I both have a bit of a shout at each other occasionally but to be honest we can't keep a straight face - one of us stamps our feet and says "You're Rubbish!" or something equally childish and then we both laugh or try not to!
We have two small DCs, one primary one preschool. They are adopted and one has some behaviour problems and we try really hard not to shout and to be very patient with them but things slip inevitably and we end up shouting "WILL you STOP grabbing your sister's food" or similar. It's usually over silliness or sibling bickering or occasionally danger - if either of them are distressed we are able to remain calm generally, and if they calm themselves down the policy is to say how pleased we are they've done that etc. I don't think we are louder/more shouty with the DCs than I've seen other parents being at the park etc. and I tend to think nobody is MORE shouty in public with their DCs so we are probably average/more patient with them.

But DH has a habit of shouting at himself. He doesn't shout in rage when there is someone in the room but if he is e.g. doing some DIY and gets it wrong, or if he hurts himself it's quite over dramatic.

This stresses me out and if the DC are around/awake they get worried. I've tried telling him this (he'll usually tell the DC there's nothing wrong, he just banged his finger or dropped his hammer).

I think he's being a drama queen, to be honest, but I'm worried it will frighten the DC. Fortunately neither of them were in the birth home long enough to know what DV is (both in foster care from birth). I just think this is unnecessary and it is annoying, he doesn't think it's a problem as he never shouts AT anyone (he's absolutely right, apart from the above banter/us both pretending to be toddlers, and apart from both of us occasionally getting a bit frayed with the DCs).

Is it worth making a fuss about? It does worry me. It's not any worse since having the DCs, it's not directed AT anyone, he is right about that, but it can feel like "if I'd helped him do X he wouldn't be cross". And as I have pointed out he would not do it in the office even if he was on his own in the coffee room or whatever. Though maybe if he was a self-employed contractor he could shout in someone's empty house of course!

I've tried looking up "how to shout less" but they all say "at your child" or "at your partner" and he is probably less shouty than me in both of those situations (I'm reading the tips on not shouting at your children, myself!)

I think it's a bit unreasonable and controlling of you to expect him not to make a noise if he hurts himself when he is alone!

I think this is an anxiety of yours, based on your worries about your DC and potential behavioural problems. I don't think this is as potentially sinister as your mind is telling you it could be. You sound like good parents. You need to feel confident that we all fuck up here and there, but fundamentally you are both doing a great job and should focus on the lovely family you have and not trying to create an unrealistic perfect environment

I grew up with a dad like this (and I'm a bit like this myself ). I think, as others have said, that you sound like loving, caring parents and that a bit of grumpy shouty-ness is nothing big in the scheme of things. Give yourselves a break and accept that it's ok to be frustrated at times.

I'm a loud one. So are my kids. My loudness came as an adult because as a child I was constantly told to be quiet. I was absolutely restricted and constantly belittled for being too loud, too noisy, too shouty. As an adult when I got some freedom away from that environment I can freely be me. I don't mean harm or any kind of malice in my loud-ness. I'm kind and considerate. I'm just a bit loud at times - but I am a good communicator. It's part of my communication, I'm open, I'm up front and I am fairly confident. I.e., an extrovert. In my own experience the perception of shouting is seen as aggressive but actually, enforced quiet is passively aggressive and trying to dampen down a completely unmalicious personality trait from extrovert to introvert could lead to some unhappiness. I always try to be considerate of others but it's not fair to ask me/your DH to constantly monitor himself, unless he's swearing and driving everyone crazy and in that case, maybe he could make some changes

You don't say how old your children are but a child, even a baby, who was in foster care could have been exposed to a stressful, loud, household and could be freezing in terror every time voices are raised. I would change my behaviour.

It would be good to clarify if they are in terror or it just makes them jump, like any sudden loud noise does to a human

Pookie actually that makes some sense based on DH's background.
I think they tend to assume he's hurt himself, and they worry about him.
Maybe I should ask him to reassure them (and me)? I'd rather not lie to them (daddy's hurt his finger, when he hasn't for example).

If it is regularly causing anxiety for you all then it's ok to ask him to give you all a follow up as to why it happened if he isn't able to dampen down his response. I once dropped a 2l bottle of fabric softener on the kitchen floor and I think I may have almost brought the ceiling down with my shriek and OMG and the kids did indeed think some kind of giant snake was loose in the house or something and come running to see what happened. I assumed this was part of family life (what I envisioned from my cold clinical silent controller childhood where only daddy was allowed to bellow in your face), a little bit of chaos, noise and mini-drama is ok for me, but it isn't everyone's cup of tea. If I hear a crash bang and a yell I will go investigate and usually whoever the culprit was would say 'I'm ok, just dropped something' and we laugh it off

Do the DCs talk/shout/act noisily much themselves?

DD is adopted and I know what you are talking about. She was quite a shouty child herself when she was frustrated, and we tried following her cues for a bit. If we felt the need to give voice, DH and I would try shouting something silly, or making daft noises. It sometimes turned into a competition of who could come up with the weirdest. Toilet humour isn't everyone's thing, I know, but things involving bums, farts and poo went down well, especially when related to animals for some reason.

I honestly think that someone randomly shouting - whether it's at themselves or not - is quite stressful to be around. My DH does this sometimes and I really dislike it; in his case I think it's a sign of pent up aggression and doesn't make for a relaxed household.

Thanks all - I do find it a bit stressful.
Yes the DCs are quite loud! The older one is trying bless, and realised yesterday that it wasn't helpful to Mummy's ears. MUMMY oops sorry I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING oh sorry.

We know their foster carers and they are truly lovely, much less shouty than us!

I think I will suggest DH reassures everyone if he shouts then I can check in with him if it's set me on edge or not.