Has anyone ever left and hated their new life?

[mynotsoperfectlife]

I just need to talk, don't get annoyed with me. I'm scared.

What if you leave and it all goes wrong - children hate you and you are permanently broke and struggling and you miss the children and a thousand ands.

And you miss them even though they are a grade A bastard!

Life can be harder in some ways of course! But I don't regret it 5 months later. Ds11 took it hardest but 5 months on he does NOT wish his dad was back! And my dd4 hasn't been in the slightest bit bothered just adapted so easily.
Life is easier from a practical sense as I was doing everything before anyway.
I haven't been criticised or put down or made to feel like shit for some months.
The house is peaceful and we can all breathe again.
I have had my ups and downs and I feel sad some days - then I snap out of it and I think it's important to allow yourself to process it properly, it's ok to 'miss' the bastard but you're not really missing them, you're missing what you wished they were.

A lady I work with had her head turned & left her husband for Om. She got kicked into touch after 6 months & her ex husband is now happily married with children to a lovely woman.

My life is a lot harder for sure since I left but I know it I went back it would be for the wrong reasons. So, I just sit tight and have faith that one day it will be worth it, because it will be, it really will be.

This is what I'm worried about. I think I've finally come to the conclusion that it's over and I need to have the conversation. I've broadly worked out how much money I'd have and where I could afford to live. It would mean moving from a house and area I love although the kids could stay in the same school. I keep thinking that I don't mind having less material things and going back to renting etc as I'd be happier and open to the possibility of a more loving relationship and then I think maybe I'm kidding myself, that I'll end up skint and lonely in a rented house with unhappy kids 😫

I think skint and lonely describes what would happen to me.

Absolutely not. It was difficult at times, but I coped and matured I think. It was easier in many respects as I didn't have anyone draining my emotions (and bank account) - I was responsible for everything, but I had control of everything. 20 years ago I went from a joint income of approx 40k to single of 15k. And I had money left over at the end of the month - even after paying for child care after school/holidays because no one was spending money on random things.
Emotionally I focused on me & my kids. We became a tight knit team. I had time and emotional energy for friends.
And after a few years I met some, have remarried and I'm happy.

Down side - sometimes I was lonely, but that was better than unhappy with someone who made me miserable. Often I was skint, but I managed.
You only have one life. Live it.

I saw a quote recently. Can't remember it word for word but the basic premise was that your life will come to fit your decisions regardless, rather than punish you for them. You can't see the future and can only make a decision based on the information and feelings that you have now.

There will be good days and bad days. Times of doubt and times when you will be so happy you could burst.

Even someone who makes a decision only to be, 'kicked into touch' will likely rebuild, be happy and know that it was the right thing to do at the time.

It is odd, but yes one does have that doubt that you will miss the bastard, but when you finally take the leap... whao, personally I was walking on clouds. Can't refer to the rest of your situation because I didn't know I was pregnant when I took that step, but why would the children hate you. It must be horrible living in a house where your parents don't get on. And you miss the children when they are with their dad at first, but as long as they are well, it gives you some time to do something for yourself and you enjoy them all the more when they come back.

This reminds me of something Jeanette Winterson wrote when telling her life story. Something about having the courage to get out of a bad situation, and then finding that things get a lot worse. And yet knowing that you made the right decision. Improvement happens but it can take a very, very long time.

It's hard to explain. Had an awful awful night last night. Woke up so miserable this morning. Now I just feel nothing.

I left my dp of many many years. We had a ds together. He was often very angry,was in and out of work and lied about how much sick money he was getting when he hadnt worked for a year or so.

When ds was early teens he decided he wanted to move in with exdp permenantly. They both admitted the flat was like a "bachelor pad " and I had "too many rules". Ds leaving nearly broke me. I had been a good mum and believed in normal things like homework, trying to keep a tidy bedroom and not spending all day everyday on world of aircraft.

I have a new dp now and a good relationship with ds but I still don't see him as often as I would like .

I dont regret leaving exdp but I regret the outcome of it. Exdp and I were very wrong for each other and I could not imagine being with him for any longer than I did. But I have missed out on so much with my ds too.

I am currently going through a separation. We're having to sell our beautiful big house (that I never dreamed I would have) and I will have to go back to renting with the kids.
However, the money and house doesn't bother me one bit, because I am so unhappy with my stbxp that it all means nothing. At first I put off telling him because I didn't want to give up the house but, I just see this house as having bad memories now.
I'm sure I will have sad times ahead but, I can't imagine I will ever regret this decision. I'm certainly not going to stay with him 'just in case I might regret it'.
It depends how bad your relationship is really I suppose. If you're just unfulfilled, bored etc then perhaps you might regret it. If, however, your DP is abusive then its a no-brainer really.

I wish it was!

Isitjustme that's how I feel. I love my house and where I live and I love everything else about my life other than my relationship. It's not that he is even a bad person I'm just very unhappy with him

Are your kids not living with you OP, do they live with your Ex? Following this with interest, as I think I would be more miserable without DH but ...

He's not an ex ... they live with me and him obviously

Oh I see, sorry, got a bit lost. So you'd like him to be an ex?

There was a thread in April along the lines of "why do people stay" in bad relationships, and people talked about similar things - worried that if they left, things would get even worse, let me see if I can find it.

I go over it all in my mind every day - he's a bastard, but I know if we split up he'll start asking teenage DDs to take care of him, oh poor him he can't cope etc., - my youngest said "I don't want Dad to end up in a horrible flat with no money". In fact we'd be in 2 horrible flats with no money but I didn't want to put that scenario in her head.

I don't know what I want; I wish I could start my life again.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2906263-why-do-people-stay?msgid=68438032#68438032

There you go - hope link works - great thread and very insightful

I did. I left my DP for another guy we both knew from years back. In my defense I was in the middle of an extremely severe breakdown so it wasn't me at all in any way.

My new DP and I struggled like crazy. Eventually now after 3 years I live with the new guy in my dream place, near the sea and mountains but I can't get excited about it because I'm not with my ex who I realized I loved. I don't think I could ever truly be happy but I made a choice, I love my DP and tbh so much good has come out of Ec DP and I Breaking up, I mean seriously good stuff that I wonder if I hadn't broken up with him how much further we'd be from our dreams ( we both live our dream lives now) but I still have relentless guilt and sadness.

Glad it's not just me.

The problem is outside of the LTB narrative things are unbearable either way.

I am in a similar situation op - it's hard, eh? Have initiated a trial seperation which is proving quite effective in terms of seeing exactly what thing will be like should it be a long term solution

Thanks. There are two alternatives. Both are horrendous. Maybe that's just life, and it's a question of snatching whatever bits of happiness you can get from it.

In some ways I made the right decision leaving my exH but in other ways I am a lot more miserable.

I find a lot of things much harder and really didn't understand how much and badly certain things would effect me.

Yes I now have a job which I wasn't allowed, and yes it feels nice that I can afford for us all the survive and have a nice house, but that house is my prison.

I couldn't take him back now too much has changed but currently I regret the decision I made to leave.

Imo you don't separate until you're absolutely sure that it's the least worst option for you and your kids.

By the time my ex and I separated, the stress of our relationship was affecting my health quite badly and ex's behaviour was having a negative impact on the kids. I reached the point where I could honestly say 'even if I lose everything and have to start all over again, and even if I'm alone for the rest of my life, it will be better than this'.

I think until you reach that point, you're not ready to leave.

As it turns out, I did lose a lot, including a shared business that I'd spent 15 years building. But leaving was still the best thing I could have done for myself and my kids. 5 years down the line I have a new business that's more than double the size of the old one and feel healthier than I have done for years. The kids have really blossomed into wonderful young people. I've never regretted divorcing, even in the worst moments.