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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Death by marriage

33 replies

tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/06/2017 12:01

Love MN and the fact that people are willing to take the time to help total strangers. Can't believe I am now seeking help myself but I feel I am rock bottom and have never felt so low. Cut a long story short, been with DH for over 25 years, married for 20 with two children (19 and 16). DH works all the time. He works away for three or four days each week and the rest of the time I don't see him because he is working. When he is home, he is tired so falls asleep. Then he's off again. I have tried to tell him that I am lonely but his stock answer is that he's busy providing for us. Rewind two years, when I was looking for a document on an old laptop, I discovered that DH had been using the laptop and left his emails open. I found flirty messages to another woman and it was evident that he had given her a piece of jewellery of sentimental value. He was clearly sniffing around hoping for something, but she rebuffed him. I was devastated. Never entered my head that my loyal hardworking DH would do that. I told him I'd seen the messages and he insisted it was not what it seemed, he wasn't thinking and had made a mistake. I know in my heart that if she had clicked her fingers he would have been off. But I forgave him and we have lurched on. But it changed things for me as I now am constantly wondering what he is doing when he's not with me. He is glued to his phone and he has absolutely refused to let me see what is on it. He says that there is work related information on there that is confidential so he cannot let me see it. I did look on his laptop at his downloaded photographs and there are several photographs of women that I don't know. Just faces. But one looks like it's been cropped from a topless shot. I challenged him about this and he says people send him holiday photos etc and they are saved automatically. When I say that I don't have photos of random men on my phone, he says that it's not his fault that he is gregarious and has friends and I don't. It is true that I don't really have any close friends any more but then I thought I had my best friend in my DH so foolishly invested all my time on him and my family. Now, I feel completely alone. My gut instinct is that he is either cheating, or hoping to. He denies this but the evidence is there isn't it. He's always on damn facebook and from looking at it you would think he is single. No mention of me anywhere, at all. He says that's because he knows I like my privacy! I just can't believe after 25 years and at this stage in my life, I am going to be completely on my own. I feel such a fool. Been supporting him all these years and he clearly doesn't really give a shit about me. He says I am making a big deal about nothing and it is my trust issues that are causing the problem. He says he loves me. But the gift to the woman, the messages, the photographs, the fact that he is on WhatsApp at all hours when he's away, and a general lack of affection - well it's not good is it. I just don't want to accept that this is it. Going on as we are is killing me but I can't see life on my own, I just can't. I'm too old and fearful to start over; I just couldn't do it. Sorry - just feel depressed about it all. What to do? (Thanks if you take time to read).

OP posts:
Juststopit · 02/06/2017 12:09

You're not alone , I'm facing the end of my 21 year marriage to a man who I really don't think gives a damn about me. My advice - be brave and you'll be ok. I've moved from terrified of being old and lonely to actually looking forward to what the future brings and worrying about me and me only. Lots of great advice and support on here , I've not posted my story but reading how others have come through has been a real inspiration.

tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/06/2017 12:16

I'm sorry you are also facing this Juststopit. You sound very positive. I can't see me getting there. Every option looks terrifying. I have read plenty on MN and I know other people have faced worse and come through it. Just can't see how.

OP posts:
aggressivearse · 02/06/2017 12:16

Please don't spend another precious moment of your life with this man. You have supported him all those years...now it is time to stop. Whether he is cheating or not is a red herring - at the end of the day it doesn't really matter? He is making you unhappy either way.

You are miserable with life as it is now. So change it! Would being alone be any worse it would be infinitely better? What are you so scared of? You would have your children. You would have your sanity. You would have your self respect and self esteem.

Imagine living your life without having to think about or deal with this man every day?

Just stop a moment and imagine in your mind's eye - the feeling of freedom, of mental space, of personal strength. Imagine creating a life of your own - your own space without any of his stuff, without having to look at him asleep every night. Being able to chill out of an evening without feelings of suspicions or resentment encroaching.

I should know - I have walked in your shoes. You CAN leave. And you deserve a better life.

Juststopit · 02/06/2017 12:20

I felt the same. Just couldn't imagine life on my own, I've been with him since my late teens. But as pp said you need to imagine how it could be, no more stress and worry about what he is or isn't up to. Imagine how free you will feel. I m guessing you're about the same age as me. You have years ahead left, don't spend them miserable, life is for living.

tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/06/2017 12:24

Thankyou aggressivearse. Your message has brought a lump to my throat. I do deserve some happiness surely? I am worried about being old and lonely - but when I stop and think, I am already old and lonely...

OP posts:
aggressivearse · 02/06/2017 12:27

please read this Robin Williams quote carefully, really digest it:

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

Robin Williams

aggressivearse · 02/06/2017 12:27

YES YES YES YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS

tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/06/2017 12:28

Thank you juststopit. I think it's the thought of all those years ahead, with no-one there. Bleak. Is it better to be with someone, anyone, rather than being alone? Maybe I'm just a coward.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 02/06/2017 12:30

You both have different wants & needs in life. I can't see any option other than to split to make you both happy

aggressivearse · 02/06/2017 12:30

Is it better to be with someone, anyone, rather than being alone?

Take it from me, it is better being alone. The sense of freedom and strength and independence is overwhelming and amazing. This man is weighing you down. This how light you will feel without him around your neck.

Do you have any friends? What about your children, and any other family?

tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/06/2017 12:32

Sorry I'm not very good at this - too slow to post a message and it gets superseded. Thank you for taking the time to help. I do appreciate it.
I don't think I have any confidence left. What's happened to me over the years? What a mess.

OP posts:
Juststopit · 02/06/2017 12:34

But you won't be alone. You'll be free to form new relationships with friends and lovers, be able follow hobbies without the worry about him taking over and using up your time and emotions. Your children are old enough to be a source of support. It's hard it really is but true happiness is priceless. I m just angry now that I didn't leave sooner, that I ve wasted time and energy on him that I could have invested in myself.

aggressivearse · 02/06/2017 12:37

Don't worry about posting or replying to each post. Just take the time to read each one and digest. It is a lot to take in and I would bet that the vast (if not 100%) majority of posters will urge you to leave him.

It will be hard to read but I hope with the support and advice on here, you will find the strength to leave. I did. I posted on MN just as you did - I certainly didn't feel ready to leave my ex at that time. But reading everyone's responses and having their support helped me to leave. And 4 years later I am so happy I cannot describe it to you. I never thought I would ever be this contented with life again.

I had depression when I was with ex. I was anxious, suffered panic attacks etc. My ex tried to make out that it was my depression talking when I split up with him. Funnily enough, since he left - I have had no sign of depression. No panic attacks, no insomnia, no anger, no anxiety.

You deserve a better life than the one you have living with this man.

aggressivearse · 02/06/2017 12:38

Oh...and he will have chipped away at your confidence over the years, that's whats happened to it. He has eroded it with his actions and his words and his attitude.

Thesp00kykids · 02/06/2017 12:41

He's gaslighting you to make you think you are the problem when really it's him. I'm sorry but all evidence suggests cheating CakeBrew

DJBaggySmalls · 02/06/2017 12:41

I'm going to be blunt. Leaving is terrifying. But staying wont save your marriage. Leaving will make you feel less of a victim. Flowers

yetmorecrap · 02/06/2017 12:43

I so know how you feel. I found emotional infidelity stuff from 11 years ago only late last year. Not a physical affair but enough to make me very unhappy and to lose trust21 years married, one 19 year old who luckily lives away.. Last year he was texting and whatsapping at all times of day to our assistant in our business (who does massively overdo it) I know it was all crap, Ive seen some of it and she is needy , but in my opinion it was disrespectful and a bit over familiar (I blame her too and she still works with us and has never apologisedshe just thinks Im insecure) what upsets me most is I am married to someone who I thought I knew inside out and I certainly didnt think was capable of the crap I have suddenly found out at 55. LIke you I have had all my eggs in one basket including our business, few real friends and the idea of saying "au revoir" isnt nice without a decent support network. Im giving it a year to see if I can get over it. He is sorry, has stopped any whatsapping altogether and is seeing an IC but I still dont know for me if I can get the feeling fully back., sometimes once its gone, its gone. He has a lot going for him, is clean, good looking, hardworker, sharp and actually kind to women he likes women as friends much more than men to be honest. On the down side he has in my opinion poor boundaries (or has had), can be quite nasty to our son , has a filthy temper, is lousy with money and is very fickle! I would say OP give yourself a timeframe, it does help and in the meantime try and join a few things. Thats what the IC advised me.

tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/06/2017 12:55

Yetmorecrap, I'm sorry you too have this crappy situation to try and deal with. Sounds like we are in the same boat right enough. Thing is I found out about that gift nearly two years ago and it is still eating me up. He hasn't made any effort to make me regain trust, if anything, he's upped his working away and whatsapping/facebooking. They are a curse. Maybe ignorance is bliss. Does trust ever come back? If nothing changes I guess the answer is no.

OP posts:
sycamoreleaf · 02/06/2017 12:59

I was with my xH from the age of 18. We divorced when I was 49. Very similar aged children to you, OP - 17 and 20. The feeling of freedom was immense and my children were a big support. I wouldn't want to advise you but I can say, it worked for me. Age wasn't an issue. You are most definitely not too old!

nannybeach · 02/06/2017 13:04

if you are the other side of 100, its not too late, believe me. Was married to bloke for 20 years, emotionally,physically mental cruel, he wasnt any of these things before we married, its very difficult to leave when you have small children. I had time in battered wives refuge. Found out he was gay, married me for a nice respectable front for his middle class family, AND when he was aparently, in a private boarding school, it was a specialist young offenders unit for trying to kill his Father. He tried to kill me, had cancelled, bills, taken out insurance on me debts in my name, (made no provision for our kids, youngest was only 5) said later, they could go into care. He was actually a psychopath, did have an affair (with a woman) Divorce, horrible, he disappeared leaving me debts, house repossesed by Building Soceity, sacked from my job (boss didnt want me working there when news got in the papers, of attemped murder, fraud) thought I had reached the lowest of the low, then my lovelly Mum died at 64, because her Gp did nothing, (late) Father re-married, girlfriend he obtained only 6 weeks after my Mums death, who didnt like children, no support from him. Fast forward, got together with bloke I had met at work before, had baby at 41, got married at 48, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, dont wast any more of your life, my late Father used to say, this is not the dress rehersal, you only get the one, so you need to live it.

SheepyFun · 02/06/2017 13:09

OP, you said in your first post that he's typically away 3-4 days a week, then you don't see him when he's home because he's working. That suggests he's working 7 days a week all the time. Which is unusual - possible if he's self-employed I guess. Are you clear where he is when he's away and what he's doing? Because it sounds like there's another woman (and possibly family), who are also being told he's away for work 3-4 days a week. Sorry if I've misunderstood.

Laiste · 02/06/2017 13:09

You can do it OP. You can. Small steps at first. Find your 'going it alone' feet. Start your plan to find YOU.

  • Sort out an account for yourself if you don't already have one. -Squirrel some cash away.
-Get your papers organised and to hand (passport, birth cert., bank books, proof of your own finances/your share of joint finances). -Make an appt. with a family solicitor and see what they say. It's all confidencial.

NONE of these things have to be seen. You can quietly get on with it. Take your time. Make plans. The next steps will reveal themselves.

As soon as you start making one of these very first steps you'll feel as if you are taking control of your own destiny. As you take the second step, and the third you'll find strength and determination i promise Flowers

tradedinforyoungermodel · 02/06/2017 13:16

Thank you everyone for posting.

My DH is a self employed craftsman. He works away doing installations and the rest of the time he is in his studio either making stuff or teaching. One of his 'students' (adult) was the recipient of gift. :-(

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 02/06/2017 13:18

If you stay you will be in for more of the same.

You have dedicated your life to this man and not for nothing but because you are a kind unselfish person who wanted to do the right thing by those who she loved. You have done that and now your life is going to take a different direction to the one you assumed.

Your husband is going to be no great loss to you and you will be starting a journey of self discovery.

You are worth ten of him, he is a selfish, lying, cheating scumbag and I hope you take him to the cleaners (financially) as that will no doubt annoy him!

Do not be his house maid for a day longer. Ring your lawyer. Do not believe his protesting.

Cricrichan · 02/06/2017 13:34

Hi lovely

Don't spend another second fretting over this undeserving man. From now on everything is about you. Don't consider him at all. Starry living your life for you. Start going out with your friends. Join a gym or and a class. Look at getting back into work and really enjoy life. Your kids are older so don't need you in the same way so don't worry about them. This time is for you. Take it by the horns and enjoy

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