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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my marriage is over.

15 replies

Fab39ish · 02/06/2017 10:58

I am feeling really unappreciated right but I just don't feel ready to tell him it is over.
I feel like I am living with 4 children not three.
Dh is remarkably selfish. I guess it has always been there but has become more pronounced since our finances improved.
Things stated going downhill when we had our third Dd. She wasn't planned and tbh dh blamed me and was very switched off towards her and her needs.
I remember a bad period where I was up for hours at a time with her and I was on my knees. I was looking after 3 dds and trying to get all the Christmas prep with a 3 month old and do all the nativity plays etc etc which go with two primary school kids.
I asked for help and was basically told he couldn't do anymore. Tbf he was working 12 hour days including a two hour commute. However it really hurt when he basically said that I clearly wanted the baby more than him because I didn't abort so I needed to suck it up. Tbh I should have left right than but I couldn't see as way out.
Financially we are now better off and in the past 4 years things did improve.
However., improved finances have enabled him to create a "mancave" to indulge his hobby.
This had resulted in him opting out of family life even more.

I am fed up of our house which is stuffed full of stuff and I just feel nobody else is prepared to get off their arse and do anything about it.
It came to a head last night when he needed an item as he was off to a convention today leaving me with kids despite me taking an exam.
He ranted about not being able to find the charger and blamed me as I used it last. I was in the middle of doing some but an hour later I remembered I had tidied it away. I got one of the kids to bring it to his mancave and he couldn't even be bothered to thank me or apologize for blaming me.
Sorry it is long but I feel I have to write it down to galvanize me into taking action.
I know my 1St step is getting a job hence the studying.
Thank you if you take time to read this far.

OP posts:
josuk · 02/06/2017 11:46

Hey
You sound so worn out, and unhappy. Sorry!!!!
And - it's totally understandable - house and kids are hard work.

I don't have any advice, only you can decide what you need ribbentrop happy.
But what i did want to say - many women around me feel down and tired - seems to be the phase right after the babies grow up a little bit and we come up for air.

Maybe - it is true and marriage is over. Or - maybe you are in a rut and both are exhausted?

Before you make choices that change your kids lives forever - is there anything else you can try?

You mentioned improved financial situation - so - will getting some domestic help help take some pressure off, for example?
Also - if the house is full of stuff - have you tried getting rid of some of it?
It is, somhow, cathartic - in the past few years - i have been on two major purges - kids stuff, my stuff. Bags and bags went to Oxfam - and it made me feel lighter, happier.

My H also works a lot and barely does anything with kids, because he thinks he needs his rest and doesn't feel like pushing himself to do much on weekends. Used to get me upset. And then i decided - his loss.
I take the kids and we go do things we like. He sees them when they are home.

For me - and i felt lukewarm for years - it's been important to realise that i am the only person responsible for my own happiness. Other people can't make me happy.
H included.

josuk · 02/06/2017 11:48

ribbentrop????? 😂😂😂
iPhone really outdid itself.

need 'to make you' happy

Fab39ish · 02/06/2017 12:08

Thank you for your reply. Getting rid of stuff is happening slowly but the problem is that dh I's just buying more. But that is OK as its hid hobby. Meanwhile if I found my birthday vouchers on a handbag I get told it should be one in one out.
Books which are a weakness of mine should be culled but his football programmes are fine. You get the idea.
We have loads of stuff which is sentimental too.

OP posts:
Fab39ish · 02/06/2017 12:11

Sorry auto-correct gibberish.

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 02/06/2017 12:18

Get counselling first.
You owe it to your kids to see if the marriage can be retrieved.
If he's not willing, then move out and let him bring up the kids for a week. They will miss you , and you miss them, but he won't let them come to any real harm. Maybe then he will get the kick up the arris he needs. If that don't work, then just leave forever.

FanDabbyFloozy · 02/06/2017 12:22

On a plane ride recently I sat in front of a couple who were bickering non-stop - who changed the baby last time, who had to hold the wriggling toddler on their lap etc. It was torture listening to them but we've all been there!

I'd advise to carve out your time - escape for a weekly coffee, nightly walk, drink with a friend. Find something to escape the drudgery in the way he has.

Call out bad behaviour by all means but do see the things he does you don't acknowledge - be tbat the car servicing or gardening.

Hang in there..

Fab39ish · 02/06/2017 12:43

Thank you. I know I need to tell him how unhappy I am and give him a chance to change. And maybe I need to change too.
I do get me time but it is often spoiled because he doesn't stop up when I am out. Ie I had an event at dds school early evening straight after dinner. When I returned the kitchen was as I left it.
He doesn't really garden much. Just the lawn. Neither does he touch the cars.
He does do the household bill paying admin but do all the school club and medical stuff.
He occasionally does DIY but that is a bone of contention too as he never tidies away afterwards.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 02/06/2017 12:46

Its interesting those who talk about hard work with small kids and babies and it affecting marriage. I have to be honest, I felt far more of a united team with little ones, my marriage deteriorated I think to be honest with a teen and onwards.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 02/06/2017 12:47

i daren't even comment on this as my attitude to lazy, selfish men is kill them all with fire.

HerOtherHalf · 02/06/2017 12:50

basically said that I clearly wanted the baby more than him because I didn't abort so I needed to suck it up.

What a vile thing to say. Truly shocking. That alone is grounds for ending things in my book. Be strong and best wishes.

Fab39ish · 02/06/2017 14:25

Thank you for replies.

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 02/06/2017 15:03

He is beyond selfish OP but you already know that. Parenting should be a partnership. Fair enough he works long hours but taking NO part in helping with the kids is not on. He should WANT to do it. He should also know that you need a break from the kids now and again. He has detached from your family already and this is not a marriage.
If he wasn't there, what would you miss exactly?

SandyY2K · 02/06/2017 22:04

I think you need a quiet couple of hours to talk to him about how you feel.

Let him know in advance you want to talk to him, so that he carves out the time and doesn't walk out mid conversation.

Try and do it calmly, in a non accusatory manner.

Express how you feel and look at finding a solution.

If he can't take on more housework..can you get a cleaner in for a few hours a week?

It's very easy for us all to only see our own side of the situation ..as that's human nature.

A good start would be finding out if he's happy in the marriage.

Make bullet points of what you want to discuss and in whatever you say .... don't come from the perspective that it's all his fault. Even if that's how you feel, because that approach will only end in a slanging match.

Fab39ish · 02/06/2017 23:38

Tbh I am even more pissed off now. He came home after his fun day out. Yes we had a takeaway so no cooking but as per normal he pissed off upstairs leaving me with 4 Year old as per normal.
He knows I have an exam next week which I am worried about. Originally he was going to take kids out for the day so I could revise but as per normal he fancied this day out more.
I just feel like I am at the bottom of the pile.

OP posts:
Fab39ish · 02/06/2017 23:39

Oops as per normal x 2

OP posts:
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