I've written a couple of times before about DP. Trying to think what order to put it all, but i'll start where we are.
I sent DP to the spare room last night (well, suggested he go -- I'm BF DD so didn't seem I could leave the bedroom with the cot). I have reached the end of my tether and all I feel is that I wish I'd stood up for myself earlier, though of course I don't regret having DD (8mo).
It's hard to put it all in words or even get it clear in my head. He just keeps saying "we both need to be nicer to each other" but I don't think I have been as...nasty and difficult to live with as him. Also I feel we just want different lives and things. It's so hard to know what to do though because we have our daughter (and a flat, and can't afford to each have our own flat, really, not where we live and have jobs).
He drinks too much, is the main thing. We moved in together about 4 years ago and I immediately realised he drank loads (to me). And, I'd be interested in others' thoughts on this -- he sits up till 2am or so every night. That was the first thing that made me sad as I had been looking forward to living with him and the whole bedtime thing, sitting in bed together at the end of the day, falling asleep together, you know. I go to bed about 10.30 or 11. It's been a bone of contention from the start and it might seem small but it's broken my heart. I have fallen asleep alone almost every night for the last 4 years. It affects how I feel about the relationship.
He's also very messy and dirty. Like, he doesn't clean up, wipe the kitchen down and things, and before he started letting me (!!) use the dishwasher I would always have to rewash dishes he had done as they were very greasy/visibly dirty. I am not a perfectionist -- i have always been the slob in previous relationships...
And he drinks. 4 cans most nights, which isn't loads, but he drinks every day, without fail. He also will keep drinking after he gets home from the pub and fall asleep on the sofa, and those nights he will be quite nasty in his words to me. So, say, this week he got home and he was angry I hadn't gotten a shirt for him from the spare room (where we have our wardrobes) as we had a friend staying. I apologised and he kept sending texts from the other room, about how thoughtless it was and things. Other times he has said things deliberately calibrated to upset me. Like, soon after I had DD I had been saying I worried i was fat and lazy and I felt sad about it, in a sober nice chat. Then when he was drunk and getting fighty and I said I didn't want to talk to him when he was like that, he said I was fat and lazy (that's a bad example maybe -- he just stores up things he knows will hurt me).
He's seeing the doctor about the drinking, finally, but isn't cutting down really. He keeps saying he's waiting to see the place she referred him to but he always has an excuse for why he didn't go today.
This is all coming out sounding so lame. I just...I feel so undermined. It's the drinking and bedtimes, and that he just never seems to want to do anything with me. He blames it all on his anxiety but he is just not nice to me. Everything is a sneer and he always says I am a nag. I try to ask nicely. But he never thinks for himself to do anything, and it often takes many requests for him to do things (days apart). I hate that maybe I am a nag. I'm a bit of a wreck.
I don't even know what I am asking. I thought I could put this eloquently and things but it's all a real mess. He loves DD and doesn't want to lose her, but living with him is making me so unhappy.
Sorry. I should go back and think and write this again, but I have no time.