To stay or go?

[WS12]

So I have posted a few times about being terribly home sick. A bit of back ground info- we moved out here to Australia in September 2016, my husband is Australian and I am from northeast England. We said we would give it a go to see what kind of life we can make for ourselves, the move was on the cards for quite a few years and our life was on hold - hadn't bought a house etc.

I don't think I ever really wanted to move here. Not deep down inside. I used to say to my DH before we left that we had a good life there, It was great being near my family, I felt sad at leaving, I was heart broken sorting through our things etc etc. I told my hubby all this and said that it's telling me I didn't want to go. But we came anyway as I knew my husband was desperate to get back home. It's been really hard for me at times, though I now feel as though I am coming out of the tunnel, I'm feeling better in a daily basis instead of walking around crying . We had my family over for three weeks not long ago, and that was great.

But I now feel - with a sensible head - that I can't stay in Australia as much as I would want to live in the sunshine, near the beach and have a peaceful life, I don't think I can do it. I want family near me, my family who love me and take an interest in our children.

Here is what I'd like an outside opinion on - is having family near really important? Because I think it is. I think it's even more important than everything else. Living in Australia I can be a stay at home mum as my DH earns enough for this. What an opportunity for me to see my kids grow up! We could buy a house after July, and enjoy the Aussie country and have a nice life together. I can explore my hobbies, maybe study or hange career. But moving home back to the UK would mean I could be near my family again, have my mam and dad 20 mins away, my sister 5 mins away. Friends I could see in a weekend or meet up for tea.

Being here in Aus is so lonely. I am slowly making friends through a playgroup, but I really miss having somewhere to go on those rainy days. Just driving to my folks for a cuppa and a chat (I REALLY miss my
Mam!) My DH family is down the road about 1 hour and 20 mims, but they never bother with us really. They're busy running a dairy farm. We expected more from his family TBH, they've been a bit of a let down. I am 29 with two small children and I really need a 'mum' figure. I have my own mum in England but I could do with support here where we are. But I feel she couldn't care less. I've left my family. And everything we knew - and she never rings me or comes around. I'm basically living in Australia with my hubby and two kids and no family or friends. Further to this, I'd love more babies. But I wouldn't dare have another without a good support network as I had PND with my DS and DD. I'll worry so much I'd be tired hormonal and run down and with no where to go.

So do I break my husbands heart, give up on the dream of hot summers on the beach, and go back to England where I would have to work again and go back to daily grind of life, but I'd have my family and support and a future I could be confident in? I know it's not a decision I can make alone. What is an 'outside' perspective? Family is seriously lacking here, even my husband has admitted that. It's like we are all alone. Is this thr Australian dream?! I have always been close to my family, there's only me and my sister and my parents had our children while I worked part time. I saw them 4-5 days a week, phoned nearly every day I didn't see them, saw my sister each weekend. I had a wonderful job and work colleagues where I was comfortable. And now I feel I am reduced to me and the kids. I am mourning the life we had. Imagine the rest of my life like this?! I can't do it

Sorry for waffling!

My family is spread out all over the world so don't have anywhere that we'd have family around us. I love being with them and it'd be great if we lived closer. However, I've moved lots of times and started new lives. With the right mindset it's not a problem starting afresh but it takes a little bit of time.

I think that since you've moved there already, then give it a good go and if you still think that you'd prefer to be back in the UK, then you can move. It doesn't have to be forever. Enjoy the beach and the lifestyle, make an effort to meet and invite local people over and you'll make new friends. Think of it as an opportunity to be at home with the kids.

Where did you meet your husband? Why was he in the UK and for how long?

Hi there, didn't want to read and run. One thing I would say is that 8 months isn't really that long.
Not quite the same but I moved away to be with my partner (only 90miles so not exactly like you) but I desperately missed my friends and family and I struggle to make new friends to be honest. My DP's mother was the same, never made any effort to engage with me/invite me round/visit so I did feel alone. My DP used to work a lot of nights too.
It actually took me 2/3 years to really build up a good network of friends here and now (after 15 years!!) I would never leave. I Have actually separated from him now and have no intentions of moving back home. I love my job and my DS1 is in a good school.
What I'm trying to say is, perhaps give it a bit longer. To be honest it sounds like you've made up your mind and you can't live your life being miserable but why don't you give yourself a cut-off point of either 12-18 months perhaps and if you still feel like this, you need to talk to your DH about this.
There really is nothing worse than feeling isolated but please remember its about your happiness too, not just his.

Would you be taking the children back home with you and how would your husband feel about that? Are you considering ending your marriage or persuading your dh to come back?

Give it another year. Keep making friends and really trying to make it work for you. 8 months isn't long.

I met my hubby in the UK. He was travelling and working and had been there nearly 5 years when we met. We married there, had two kids there. Then decided it was time to try Australia. I think as much as I could try I really just want to go back home. My DH and I love each other very much so we would go together. I think if I said to DH how serious I was he would come back with me. I'm just worried I'm giving up the opportunity to be with my kids. But is being a SAHM worth everything else I'd miss out on? I love my children very much, and I really like where we are living - the people and location. But is there more to life??

To make things more pressing my DS would be in reception in September and starting school here near January/February depending on the school year. I'd hate to have him start school then tear him away. I'd like to keep disruption low. Maybe if I know inside I can't keep this up forever, should we just go back soon?

I could give it another year... I'm worried I don't have the mental strength I know that must sound odd. It's my dads 70th next year too, and it looks like I'll miss that

You need to tell him how you are feeling and go from there

Your family back home are clearly very important to you and you are obviously very close. This is obviously not going to change. I would at least give it the full year as your DH might feel like youve not given it your best go.
Don't worry about DS starting school, he's young enough to adapt if you do have to change him after a short time.
Do you not think it would be fair to talk to your DH now and let him know this is how you feel. Then you can agree how much longer you give it before making a decision. Don't just drop this on him!

A family member moved to Oz some years ago on a trial basis. It then became too hard for her to come back. Her parents spend two months out there annually in rented accommodation. It makes her happy.

Thing is, if you come back, you will have your parents for how much longer if your dad is 70 soon? Do you really want to be working in a poor climate and possibly divorce?

My family member gave it more time and is now extremely happy. I'm not sure you've given it enough time and the grass is always greener springs to mind. Once you've made more friends, I think you'll be happier.

You're asking what you should do, but you're repeating 'I can't stay here', 'I can't do another year 'etc on each of your posts.. Dilemma answered.. You want to go home.

Can you be really honest with yourself & Sat you've given it a really fair try? Has your home sickness prevented you from really integrating? Have you looked for an expat community? Into opportunities to meet people? (apart from the baby groups). Some volunteering may help develop a love / pride for your community & ease the loneliness.

I think if you really feel you've given it a fair go & you're unhappy, speak with your husband & make plans to return.
Remember though, the grass ain't always greener.. Moving back may not be the bed of roses you remember!

Speak with him. x

It is a different quality of life for your children over there.

Right now it might be hard for you, but you don't have to be a SAHM forever. It's very early stages and of course you miss your family, but if you dwell on it too much it'll make it harder.

I had a friend like this, she moved home and hated it after a few weeks.

I do feel in such a dilemma as I can see how we could have a great life here and how our DCs could benefit from being here. I can also see how we would benefit from returning home too. I feel that I am a much more confident and better settled person when I am near my family and also when I'm working. I have thought about getting a p/t job to help make friends but I am a bit stressed at the thought of having to take my DCs to childcare when they have always been looked after by family (I know they would be ok, my DD would scream for a few days I bet but then would hopefully settle). I wish my DC were older then I could ask them what they wanted to do, I want them to be happy, and part of me wants to return home as I know they would have a much closer relationship with grandparents there than here. It makes me so sad to think my mum was heart broken when we said we were moving, and my MIL couldn't give two hoots we are down the road. We haven't seen her in three weeks, but she did ring up to see if my SIL could have her Michael Jackson Cd back 😩.

Thank you so much for al of your ideas about this. I have to admit I don't think I have given myself enough time or maybe it's not that, maybe I haven't given myself wholly to this. One major thing has been our holiday back to the Uk in September this year (really looking forward to it as you could imagine). We booked it in January and I feel maybe looking back we shouldn't have. At the time I really needed it, like REALLY needed it just to have something to help me get through. If we hadn't have booked it I may have tried harder maybe psychologically , not sure?

Reading your comments I think I will throw myself in to this for the next three months - go to the playgroups each week, meet with the mums I have got to know, and he's volunteering is a great ideas- I can do that at my sons kinder which I have been considering. Then when we go on hols in sept we can use that time to judge how we both feel about where we were. I'm also checking out schools here and will apply for a place for my DS. And we are also looking at houses so we can compare both U.K. And here. My DH does have a connection toon to the UK as all in all he lived there for 14 years, met me, got married, had his two little ones, and became a citizen before we left.

I don't want to look back and think my whole time here in Aus was spent pining for home, but it looks that way and I feel so bad for my DH and then I go and say stuff like "we should have thought more about this before we married"... I think that worries my DH. The other day I told him "one day I will live in England again" and he said "really?!" Like he was surprised. I said "maybe when the kids are grown up, and we can go our own way", he just says to stop talking like that. I don't even mean it, I just feel trapped. Sometimes deep down inside I think we shouldn't have married 😢 And then he could live in the country he loves, and I could go back to my family.

Ok I'm waffling again now. I have talked to DH about this and he said we will visit in September and see how we go from there. To add to all this my family aren't in the financial position to visit a massive amount. It's so hard to know what to do for the best. I know 100% though where ever we are they'll always be a "what if we were in the other place"...

I have moved around a lot - continents, places. And in my experience - it takes about a year to start getting used to the place and about two years to start feeling settled and happier.
And i moved around without kids!!!!

One thing i'd say - staying home with young kids is isolating. Makes settling in so much harder.
And you are so young. At 29 - in a new place, without friends - i can see how challenging that is.

At that age - i'd go mental without either some work or study to take myself away from the daily grind of childcare/housework.

Good luck!!'

Yes I am really missing working. I am a primary teacher and I often find myself thinking about the children I have taught. It might sound crazy but I am desperate to do planning ha ha. In fact when I feel home
Sick the most is when I am thinking about my last job 😔 I flippin loved that school. I was 0.5 in Reception. It was wonderful.

But then I do remind myself about rose to tend glasses and green grass. We went through about half a term of real stress - mock internal ofsted, we were then moderated for writing, had a REAL RE ofsted (catholic school). I tell you what, leaving for Aus kept me going through that😂

Realistically, you need at least 12 months in a new place to start feeling settled. It will probably be longer for yourself as you're staying at home and not socialising as much. Don't rely on your ILs - it seems they have disappointed both you and your DH so it's a lost cause. Delve head first into volunteering, toddler groups, and generally getting in touch with as many other people as possible. You'll find yourself a little as well as meeting all sorts of people, some of whom may become the friends and support network you're looking for.

Don't spend the next six to nine months daydreaming about how great it was in GB, because you'll do both your DC and your DH a disservice. Even if you are going back in September, it's a holiday, not real life. You say your DH loves you and would move back if needed, but actions speak louder than words. Getting involved with local activities and showing him you're making an effort is far more productive to convincing him which location will be best for you both in the long run.

I could have more or less written your post OP. I am in a similar situation to you - but no kids. I moved to Oz a year ago after meeting my boyfriend on holiday. He's English but AU citizen too.

I've been finding it really lonely - I have zero friends, a few acqaintences at a sports activity but that's it. I've been pretty miserable and it's affecting our relationship. The worst point was a drink with my DP and two of his friends and they were telling a story and crying with laughter at their memories and I realised I'd probably never do that again if I stay here - make memories with friends that make me cry with laughter. Not so far anyway. I had a good bunch of friends in London and I miss them and my family.

I feel I have no identify here. It's like being in witness protection. I'm freelance and working but DP continually makes jokes about me skiving off at the beach and his friends literally think I am workshy dosser. I'm successful in my career and was well respected in it in the UK - now I'm just hanging on.

DP is willing to come back to the UK with me but our relationship needs to get better first. It's just so unbalanced - his life is here, mine isn't. I can't believe I swapped my friends and family for sunshine.

I am going back to the UK in two weeks for two months - can't wait to get my life back and be me again. Me: sister, aunt, daughter, worker, friend.. rather than just someone's girlfriend.

And then back to Oz but I am just giving it another year . Then back to the UK either together or alone.

Where are you anyway? We could go for a drink?

Ps. I am so sorry I made that all about me! Just wanted to express I feel your pain. But decisions involving DC are trickier - you can't leave without them whereas I can literally just go.

Sometimes I love Oz but when you weigh it all up.... not enough to stay forever or even a few years. One more max for me.

White girl - why wouldn't you be able to make new friends and create those memories that make you laugh? People move all the time and they go on to have brilliant lives.

I moved to Australia nearly 4 years ago to a tiny town. It was hard and i wondered what the chuff i had done. My hubby had his career and i had nothing. I had to work to save my sanity. It really helped me to feel better about myself and even though i hated the jobs i had it gave me a change of scenery, people to talk to and a wage. My honest opinion is get a job. If you can save up then pay to fly your folks out to see you. Give it your all and if its not for you then at least you have given it a red hot go 😃

Have you tried Skyping with your family? Have a daily tea time with your mum? There's a lot you could do to make it seem like you're "together." I do think you might be romanticizing the idea of living close to your family. What if your sister moves? What if your parents move or pass away? It seems as though you have a VERY nice life in Australia, and there are so many ways in which you could make wonderful friends. Sometimes we think the grass is greener on the other side, but it's not.

My friend moved to Oz but after a few years missed her family. She moved home only to realise that life in the UK was not the bed of roses she thought it would be. They were back in Oz two years later. I have heard this happens a lot. You need to give it more time.

Cricrichan - making new friends seems to be a slow process. I've done all the advised things - meetup, joined a club, accepted all social invitations etc. But I don't have any shared history with anyone I meet, unlike friends at home I've known for ages. Hence the witness protection comment. I'll keep trying but it's hard.

Everyone (in the uk) thinks life in Oz must be perfect - it is nice but also very expensive. I paid $18 (£11) for two soft drinks in a pub the other week. My sport costs me four times the amount it did at home, gym twice the amount. And I still earn the same. Money worries don't help things - I could afford London.

I'll always be glad I tried though (and I am trying despite my negativity on here). No regrets.