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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emails and Texts - Innocent or not???

22 replies

Billyboy · 09/07/2004 21:51

Now i'd really like your opinions on this , pleeeese don't just shoot me down!!

Last year i nearly ended up in bed with an ex colleague, but I stopped it and have never seen him since . We were all away at a company ball and there had been 'chemistry' between us for ages. I would add here that I am very happily married as is he. It was a bit ego boost for me and , obviously, very flattering .

In the past 4 months he and I have been exchanging texts and emails once or twice a week. The content of these is always extremely boring and not at all flirty. If anyone else read them they could just be from any of my girlfriends catching up on news.

My question here is - am i doing wrong? what would his reasons be for keeping in contact with me, could it be totally innocent just as a friend? Have to be honest and say that it's been very good for my morale and has made me feel good about myself. Any ideas ?

OP posts:

codswallop · 09/07/2004 21:56

no, the mere fact that you aarent sure a bout it means that you will end up in trouble, dont you think?

If your dh soednt know then why not tell him?

littlerach · 09/07/2004 22:03

Also, would you be bothered if it was your DH receiving the texts?

daisy1999 · 09/07/2004 22:05

Good point littlerach - I was about to say no problem until I realised I would hit the roof if it was my Dh.

tammybear · 09/07/2004 22:09

when i was with exp (dd's father) i was miserable. i got back in touch with m (we'll call him that otherwise itll get confusing) who i had been with before but when we split up, we didnt stay in contact. i got back in contact as we were best friends as well so wanted some support. it started innocently just talking about what ever, but i knew deep down i still loved m and wanted to be with him. m told me he still loved me, and i was really happy. but i was with exp, although for the past year had been very unhappy and wanted to get out of the relationship but didnt want to because of dd. exp pushed me too far, and i made him leave. i am now back with m, and we are very happy together and i know hes the one i want to be with.

so in relation to your questions, i guess like codswallop said, if you think you're doing wrong, then you must not feel very comfortable being in contact with him? when you nearly slept with ex colleague, were you married to dh? im guessing you were, but correct me if im wrong. maybe you think you are doing wrong because of this.

Tessiebear · 09/07/2004 22:40

Do you watch Sex and the City?? I think you have a bit of a Carrie and Mr Big situation - all the time you are in contact you will eventually and periodically end up in bed IMO. The only way to avoid it happening again would be to break all contact i think. Innocent texts will turn into an innocent lunch .... into an innocent glass or two of wine....

Original poster

Billyboy · 09/07/2004 22:53

Thanks all for your thoughts so far. Tammy - I've been married for nearly 20 yrs. But, have to say that feeling good about myself with all the flirting, really has put the spark back into marriage. Or maybe i feel guilty but i HAVNT done anything! Could he just want to be friends?

OP posts:

tammybear · 09/07/2004 23:17

he may want to just be friends, but bear in mind you two almost slept together.

Tessiebear · 10/07/2004 13:38

Just re-read your original message Billy boy - thought you said you HAD slept with him - SORRY! This changes things - perhaps you can be just friends after all

PotPourri · 10/07/2004 14:21

Billyboy. You seem to be happy in your marriage (correct me if I'm wrong). It sounds like you feel guilty/worried that it may lead to something more. I think the fact that it is giving your ego a boost is good and it sounds like it put a spark back in your marriage - great. But you don't need to continue being in contact to have that good feeling. Have you tried talking to DH about needed a bit of a boost sometimes.

I reckon, if you are happy being married, use it to make things even better and move on. But if you are not happy in your marriage, then it may be a symptom - and you really need to talk to DH to see if it can be worked through.

Good luck, and just remember how gorgeous you are - with or without texts!

Thomcat · 10/07/2004 14:49

Personally I would say that if you don't want to leave your husband, or have him leave you, stop the texts and emails. You may not be doing anything wrong as such right now but if you continue to text and email you could well be on your way to doing something you'll regret. If I saw texts or emails to my DP from an unknown girl, whatever the content, I'd want to know how he knew her, why the correspondence, why if she was a mate had I not met her and so on.

You don't need to him to feel good about yourself, you can do that on your own. Enjoy that he finds you attractive sure but more importantly believe for yourself that you are a beautiful woman and you don't need to have some bloke at work tell you that you are. If you really love and want to stay with your husband concentrate your enengies there, with him.

meysey · 10/07/2004 15:41

I agree with the others. Stop now before it gets out of hand. A relative's marriage is on the rocks through text and internet chat. The hubby hadn't even met the woman, but the thrill of the messaging got him involved in a big fantasy.

The words "ego boost" and "flattering" that you used, are a bit of a giveaway. If it is truly innocent then you would feel comfortable having him and his wife round for dinner with you and your husband.

yingers74 · 10/07/2004 15:51

Good afternoon! I don't think he wants to be just friends as most genuine male friends would not bother to text that often!!!
However, I think deep down you know what is going on here, as you said yourself you find it good for your morale, which suggests that you know he is after more! It is probably best to either end it completely or tell the guy bluntly that you only want to be friends nothing more and see what happens.
A friend of mine had a partner who received 'boring' texts from another girl, and the result was a lot of arguments and a trial separation!

Noisy · 10/07/2004 16:10

Personally, I would be really upset if I discovered that my DH was having regular text conversations with another woman whom I did not know - innocent or not! I feel it would be wise to STOP NOW.

You don't need to keep up contact with this person to feel good about yourself. Maybe you could have a chat with your DH or a close friend to see if they can also trigger 'feel good' feelings for you...

Pagan · 10/07/2004 16:13

Would suggest that the other guy is just keeping his iron in the fire, just in case it develops into something more. If you've not been feeling good about yourself go and get your hair done, buy some sexy new clothes and have a dirty weekend away with your hubby . Ditch the texting and forget him, it doesn't sound like it's worth it at all

aloha · 10/07/2004 17:38

What's the worst that could happen if this carries on? Well, you could end up with his wife leaving him and taking his kids, and your husband leaving you. Is it honestly worth it? If you are as happily married as you say you will knock this on the head now. Of course he doesn't want to be just friends, or you would have met his wife and they would have been round for dinner. You don't feel good because you've got a new friend, you feel good because you know perfectly well that he wants to have sex with you. You are, as they say, playing with fire. Imagine being this man's poor wife. How do you think she would feel if she found out he has been doing all this behind her back? Devastated is my guess. And what about your husband? Does he deserve to be deceived like this? The simple fact that your husband and his wife know nothing about these messages are the absolute proof that you both know you are doing wrong, and if you value your marriage and don't want to hurt another women, which I'm sure you don't, then you should, I think, stop it now.

Ronniebaby · 10/07/2004 17:57

Billyboy - I see no harm in what you are doing.

I am married with a DS & baby on the way, and I email and text, several of my ex's and Dh knows about it too.

Altho I do have 5 males friends and Dh hates this, but accepts it, as I have made it clear that I am not in the slightest bit interested in them romantically or otherwise.

But on that point, I do email, message on MSN and email a sort of work colleague and we flirt outragesously with each other, but I have no intention of taking it further, but Boy does it make me feel good as I am 35 and he is only 26 ( i know cradle snatcher).

Life is too short, so enjoy the attention, but make your feeling clear to your "friend".

Thomcat · 10/07/2004 18:15

If you take ronniebabies advise perhaps you should also make it clear to your husband what you're doing as well, that way you can't do any harm to anyone. And if you can't do that then you know you're doing somethng wrong. IMO life is too short to throw it away for the attention of a man you already know finds you attractive. Leave it there.

Ixel · 10/07/2004 18:26

There's a couple of guys I text regularly, but nothing untoward will ever come of it. At least, I think not Partly its that i get on with men alot better than women, but it is also the ego boost thing.Dh is aware of the texts, but probably not of how much we do text each other. TBH, I like it that way, because now everything is done for ds first, dh second, so its one of the little things thats still for me only, if you see what I mean. The world revolves on interaction,friendship,and a bit of flirting, and I've never seen any harm in it. Just don't get carried away with the attention.

lulupop · 10/07/2004 19:04

BIllyboy, I don't post often but I had to reply here as I have been in exactly your situation and it didn't end well. This time last year an old colleague of mine, with whom there had always been "chemistry", got back in touch after a long silence (I gave up work when DS was born). We had never been close friends but got on well, as well as having the subtext of an understood mutual attraction. He wanted to come and visit me. He came on a day when DH was at work. I was still hugely attracted to him, and given my relationship with DH was not at a good stage, when this man kissed me, I kissed him back. He then left and we both felt bad, but what followed was an increasingly frantic exchange of more and more suggestive texts before I finally went to see him again, more or less purely for the purpose of sleeping with him. After that we both felt bad again, meanwhile my relationship with DH was getting worse as I thought about this other person constantly and found DH more and more irritating in comparison. it came to a head when DH read my mobile phone bill and I had to admit to what had gone on. To summarise, the ensuing period was the most stressful time of both our lives, and incredibly hard for us both. On the positive side, it forced us to re-evaluate our relationship and after some Relate sessions, we realised we both wanted to move forward and put it behind us. I'm happy to say we are now a lot happier and our relationship is stronger, but whether going through what we did in order to get to that point was worth it, I don't know. If I had been more honest with myself about what was going on to start with, I think DH and I could have worked things out without me putting us through such a dreadful time.

I was very flattered by the attentions of a gorgeous guy who made it quite clear he wanted me at a time when my sex life with DH was almost non existent and I felt taken for granted by DH. I told myself our texts were just a flirtation and good for my self esteem, which was fine until they became more and more steamy, by which time I couldn't have given it up because I was so drawn in to the situation that I wasn't thinking logically. Sexual attraction can be on of the strongest emotions we experience, and it can drive you to do things you would certainly advise anyone else against.

Of course, my personal situation was probably very different to yours. But I wanted to post here just to say that what starts off "innocently" can quickly develop. When you ask if texts and emails can be OK, since you are happily married, I think you know the answer. If you were truly happy in your relationship with DH, it wouldn't occur to you to be asking yourself that question. Take a good look at your relationship and work out what is missing that's making you seek this attention from another source, think about how you can work it out.
Relate can be an excellent forum to bring up diffiult issues with DH - although it may seem hard to do this right now, it is a lot easier than the potential fallout of an affair, and could leave you much happier in the long run. At least consider it.

Original poster

Billyboy · 10/07/2004 21:54

thanks for your thoughts. I would add that my sex life with DP is great at the moment. He does know that this person and I exchange very occasional texts and they have briefly met a while ago .

OP posts:

MABS · 11/07/2004 21:24

I suppose this all depends how far you'd go if you actually saw this guy again really. Not sure I see it as a problem if ,as you claim, your dp knows you exchange texts sometimes .

Original poster

Billyboy · 19/07/2004 00:54

Hi all - well the texts etc still going on i'm afraid. I can see myself ending up in the same situation as the other thread tbh - Though he is not an ex. At the end of August I will have to see him at a party and ,if i'm honest, i can't wait. Is it really so wrong? We haven't actually DONE anything !!

OP posts:

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