DSis heartbroken over her DP

[Kittykat1969]

After some words of wisdom for my Dsis. I have advised her to go no contact but I'm quite a direct person and not so good on the emotional side.

Dsis mid 30s was in a relatively short but intense relationship with a man in his late 30s. Given the ages involved, things like stance on children, mortgages etc was discussed early on. The man seemed lovely and integrated her into his life and bent over backwards to please her. He would drive 4 hours a day, twice a week to see her.

My sister is quite clear on what she wants in life and she let him know. Think big house, big mortgage, family etc. She can afford it and is not looking for a man to provide for her. I suspect his ambitions were not as large.

Rather abruptly, he ended the relationship. Claimed he wasn't sure if he would be happy with the type of lifestyle she wanted and he was scared to move forward in the relationship in case he wakes up one day and realises its not what he wants. He doesn't want to waste her time. Not sure if this is relevant or not, but on the day they broke up, I saw him in deep conversation with a male friend seemingly asking him for relationship advice.

They have been separated 2 months now, however they are in daily contact via phone and text. They don't meet in person much, probably only twice since the break up.

I have told dsis that I suspect he left because he met someone else, but she is insisting that by talking to him daily they will repair and rebuild the relationship. How can I help her see she is setting herself up for prolonged heartbreak?

She doesn't want to listen and you have actually told her, You can do nothing more. Regardless of if he has met someone else she sounds incredibly pushy on deep subjects. The money is the least of it, she may have her own but she wanted the whole shebang. Probably frightened hi, how quickly did she press for this?

Quite quickly, definitely within the first few months. You may be right re frightened, if you are though, not sure if it's possible to reverse that over time

I don't know whether he's found someone else or not. People are allowed to change their mind and end relationships. Given the distance I imagine the easy option for him would've been to ghost her but at least he didn't do that.

I do think it's unusual for him to be happy continuing to text, call and occasionally meet up with her. I only know one couple who broke up and continued contact, and they did actually get back together so it is possible. Is the contact initiated by her or him?

I don't understand why you think he's found someone else. If he was driving that far that often he was clearly keen for a while. But isn't this just what dating is about? To find out if you're going to be compatible? He's decided that they have different outlooks on where they see themselves being. He was upfront. Didn't ghost her or string her along. She may well have pushed him away by being so serious so quickly. Just because she is mid-30s and very keen for a family and to get moving on that doesn't mean he has to be on the same page at the same time. Seems to me he did exactly the right thing.

As for the continued contact maybe he really would like to stay friends? Maybe he thinks he's being supportive or less of a shit by just cutting contact dead? He should probably cut off, to be fair.

I also think he did the right thing - told her it didn't feel right for him and he's not just disappeared without trace.

Just as an observation, the driving 4 hours twice a week would have been pretty crap - LDRs are difficult to sustain, and it's not exactly round the corner from him. Did she ever reciprocate or was it always him doing the driving?

Contact initiated by both and yes, it was mainly him doing the travelling.

I think she is hoping they get back together, but I actually agree with those who say he should cut contact completely. It does feel he is around out of pity as the break up was a shock to her ( came immediately after trying to make holiday plans) and she took it very badly.

It's one of those "damned if you do.." situations for him. Contact will tail off naturally over time and/or when one of them meets a new potential partner. I think you're doing everything you can for your sister - this is just a situation you have to wait out now, and be there for her when the next shock (he meets someone) hits.

He did the right thing. Way too much, way too soon. Most would run a mile at the talk of large mortgages and babies minutes after starting dating.

If she wants those things she could crack in with getting them now especially the house.

I do worry how she will cope if he met someone first, which is far more likely than the other way round. But will see how that goes. I'm taking her out this weekend which should hopefully help. They are still talking most days but I'm concerned she is getting her hopes up unnecessarily.