Any ideas? I'm all out: Friend and OW related

[CheersMedea]

The DP of close friend has left to be with OW. It wasn't an affair situation but I'm using OW in it's literal sense; end of one relationship and new relationship.

The OW is very attractive (celebrity/model type looks), accomplished and by reports v. nice. To top it all she has self-started business that is doing very well and (if you are looking for it I suppose) appears frequently in the relevant media.

My DF has become obsessed with OW and is almost crippled by envy. I only know what she has told me but she obviously spends a lot of time google-stalking the OW and reading about her and her business. She goes on and on about how the OW has so much money and that is why he wants to be with her.

I have tried to get her to channel this envy positively - suggesting that if she feels so strongly about it, it may be a sign she should look at starting her own business - but I don't seem to be getting through to her.

Has anyone got personal experience of this type of thing and any suggestions? There must be some way to spin this positively for her.

She is a lovely woman and a dear friend but I think even a saint would compare themselves adversely to the OW. She is hurting badly and money/business comparisons is a big part of it.

Advise her about counselling. She clearly needs to vent. A lot. She has a lot to work through. Counselling would give her the safe space and guidance she needs to get it all out.

And keep suggesting it. You are not her therapist.

What pp said, it'll become a strain on your friendship if it's all she talks about. In the sake of preservation she needs to save up it all up and share with a professional

I think you're spot on in suggesting that the envy she feels is a sign she needs to change parts of her own life. And yes counselling would be great for helping her get a clearer picture of her path. That or even some life coaching. You sound like a very nice friend

I think new partner is a better description than OW. Help your friend focus on her ex's bad points. Was he crap with money, hygiene, housework, whatever. Turn the envy into pity for the new partner.

I think you're spot on in suggesting that the envy she feels is a sign she needs to change parts of her own life.

Cheezy - yes I agree. I agree some kind of therapy would help her but to be honest I think most people would be pretty devastated. I mean it's not like she can think "I have no idea what he sees in her". It's bound to crush your self esteem.

InfiniteSheldon - yes new partner I agree but her reaction is OW like she stole him - which as far as I know isn't right but there wasn't much clear blue water if you know what I mean.

I was wondering if anyone has any links to sites about channelling this kind of emotion for positive change? You know those kind of stories when a woman gets fit, healthy, studies for a degree and comes out the other end much happier having achieved a bunch of stuff.

I honestly think she should start her own business - take her mind off it all.

The trouble is that even if he was a slob with her, he's unlikely to be one with the new woman, knowing she's out of his league.

sorry just saw this question:

Was he crap with money, hygiene, housework, whatever.

No - he was a nice guy basically. He suited my friend pretty well. It's all very sad but that's different issue.

She needs to work on her own issues I think, she sounds a bit unhinged & it'll eat her up.
He didn't cheat, he has every right to end the relationship & by the sounds of it, sounds happy. She needs to be the bigger person & be happy for him.

you can find numerous successful rich people that are not happy and some have committed suicide. As you know material things are not the sign of happiness. I feel sorry for OW. It takes a great deal of effort to be that kind of woman and they never, ever stop. They are driven by something that is unnatural. He will take 2nd place to her ego and that is guaranteed. When he see's this he will be withdraw or spend his life pussy whipped. I know this is not consolation for your friend. She needs to find her true self again and needs helps doing this. She will one day look back at this and see it as a lesson. I know she doesn't see that now, but she will one day. All you can do is keep her head above water. Good luck. You're a nice friend.

Ah, love her, she just needs more time. If she's still the same in a year, I'd worry about her being unhinged and needing therapy but I think she's behaving and feeling perfectly normally under the circumstances.

I'd give up trying to get her to see the positives etc. Let her indulge herself a bit, but also drag her out to social events and fun things. Lucky her, having a good friend like you to help her through this.

I agree Hedda. I don't think she is unhinged at all. She's just hurting and it's manifesting itself as a sort of twisted envy/green eyed monster.

I think she is just comparing herself adversely with this woman and thinking she has everything - including a business and a lot of money.

It hurts like fuck now, but nobody's life is perfect. This woman will have flaws and insecurities like the rest of us. So she's nice and attractive and successful - she might have a really shitty temper, or be crap in a crisis or very flaky and unreliable.

It's easy for your friend at the moment to say "that's why he left", because she needs a reason. It's human to look at a situation and to try and rationalise it - and the other woman's looks and attributes are a handy hook on which to hang her misery. That's not a criticism - but your friend needs to try and stop drawing comparisons because they won't help in the long run.

Tell her never to compare your worst bits against someone's best bits