Understanding what some people do push-pull behaviour

[Cherryblossom200]

I've dated quite a few guys who do the hot/cold thing and I guess I just wanted to understand why they do that. My ex seemed to be petrified of relationships, one minute he was really into me and the next he would pull away. I never felt secure when I was with him. Maybe he just wasn't that into me which is fine, but I got the impression that every time his relationships got serious he broke up with the girl.

Any answers?

Emotionally immature/unstable. Someone who pulls away when things get serious often pull away from any level of real commitment in life. They panic. The phrase if you can't handle the heat get out of the kitchen comes to mind haha

Thanks Grunge, I always blamed myself a bit and thought it was something I did. But looking at his life, in his 40's - doesn't own a property, only likes jobs which have little structure etc. Also he has never had a proper long term relationship where he has moved in with the woman. This is the father of my child....

Read about attachment styles - it's quite interesting. Your ex probably had the avoidant attachment style. The different styles we have govern how we behave in relationships. I went out with an avoidant type too - it was very stressful!

Will do - thanks. People always just said the guys just not into you, but I felt there was more to it.

if you felt secure in your self you wouldn't give a fuck how he behaved. I would concentrate of that first and foremost

Ha you're probably right x

He's using it as it obviously works on you.

Oh no it's completely over, has been for a few years. We will never get back together again, but I was just interested more in the reasons behind it more than anything.

I have a friend like that, except he's now in his 50s and still single. I've watched the same pattern many, many times over the years - meets lovely woman, chases after her, they start dating and the second the woman will stop being hard to catch, you will hear that he has lost interest and she's just too keen..

In his case I think it's due to his first serious relationship in his youth, when he was head over heels in love, but the woman just kept him hanging on and he never 'caught her', so to speak. So his idea of love means a challenge and jomping through hoops to win the attention of someone. But he has no idea what to do with the woman after that.

I think this might be a similar case with my ex, he had a teenage crush on a girl who he is still friends with 25 or so year later. He didn't do anything about his crush on her, so she went on and met someone else. I think this had a part in the way he is, but I think he is just avoidant anyway.