What's normal after a month?

[BamChuckleSwoosh]

Just that really. Having finally left a EA marriage last year I have recently met and been seeing someone new for the last month. I'm really enjoying it but scared I'll miss signs and fall into something abusive again without realising. I've had lots of therapy and am aware and look out for red flags but the thought of trusting someone not to screw me over again is scary.

So I'm trying to gauge what's normal in other people's healthy relationships I guess just to reassure myself what I'm doing is ok. How much contact would you have? How often would you see each other? That sort of thing?

That to me is like asking how long is a piece of string?

It all depends on so many factors. Like work, life, kids. Does it make you feel good at the moment?

Obviously, it'll vary greatly between different couples, but as a general guide I'd say that, after a month, I'd be expecting to meet up about once a week to do something fun, then back to his place/mine for amazing sex afterwards. I wouldn't be doing housedates at this stage (Netflix and chill, etc), wouldn't be engaging in any heavy conversation (work/money/health worries, etc), wouldn't be happy will him coming on strong with the emotional stuff ('I love you', etc ). Emphasis would be on fun, but I'd be ever so discreetly observing and judging his behaviour, considering if he was relationship material, seeing if he had what it takes to make me happy.

Regarding regularity of contact, I'd expect to hear from him most days by text or phone, although I'd make sure we had some days off and weren't communicating every day because, personally, I find that too much.

What do you think, OP? How would you like things to be?

Very difficult as everyone is different, but my basic measure is - does this person make you feel more whole, happier, more comfortable being yourself than you do without them? Obviously it helps if you fancy them and have a great time with them, but alongside that, if you feel guilty, jealous, stressed, pressured, embarrassed or otherwise less comfortable being yourself with all your good and bad qualities, than you do when you're on your own, then it's a bad sign.

Just make sure you are not thinking "I'm sure he doesn't mean it that way" or "I guess I can put up with that"...

For me, it'd be dating maybe once a week & starting to find out about someone. Anyone who wants any more of my time after a month, I'd think would have no life of their own

Your relationship, your rules.
Doesn't matter if every single other person does differently.

But, for me, slower is better. Don't get in too deep too fast.
Think of it as running water. Fantastic on a hot summers day.But there's no lifeguards, so no matter how tempting, stay in the shallows till you really know this bit of water.
Might be the best swim of your life. But you can't see the underwater currents and obstacles till you know it well.

I like to date a few times a week and I find house dates fine too. I don't think any of the dating details can point to if someone's abusive. Trust yourself, you've seen it before and walked away from it so you know the score.

I suppose ideally there shouldn't be any times when you have an urge to ask on here whether something he's said or done is OK. If it feels wrong it could mean you're not compatible or he's potentially dodgy, eg do you see each other as much as you want or do you wish he was more enthusiastic or available? Does he make little comments about your behaviour or appearance that could be taken as insults but says "it's just a joke" (been there!)?

I agree with a lot of what's been said above.

At this stage you should be in the first flush of getting to know one another. Going out roughly once a week and doing something which means you can interact and talk and get to see if you suit each other. No just coming over and hooking up at this stage or booty calls late at night. So far as communication goes, I'd like a quick chat / text a few times a week but I agree that every day is too much/too full on. Don't introduce him to friends for a few months and no sooner than six months for children.

The key test is how does he make you feel. Remember, he should add something to your life otherwise, what's the point?

If you have recently just come out of an EA relationship it might still be early days for you to be dating. So take it very slowly. As you gain more experience on the dating scene you will be more confident. It is highly unlikely that you will meet your soul mate the first time you meet someone after coming out of a relationship. (it may happen, but unlikely) so just enjoy it and converse, see each other as convenient and feels right. I wouldn't introduce anybody to family for at least 9 months. Friends are different and maybe after 6 months.

Sorry to just start the thread and run, the day turned out busier than I thought!

Thank you for all your thoughts. I feel happy, I look forward to seeing him, he hasn't made me feel rushed or like its moving too fast. It feels like its going at a healthy pace. We see each other once or twice a week, we do have fun. Text most days but it's very relaxed and I don't feel bad if I forget to/take ages to reply.

I just feel so cautious. Like I'm constantly on the look out and terrified that I'll fall too far in and then suddenly it'll all change and I won't be able to get out and I'll be trapped like I was before. We've had conversations about just taking it slow, seeing what happens and getting to know each other. He genuinely seems as happy with that as I do. But I've never done this before, it's always been rush rush and declarations of love. I feel like I don't know how to have a healthy relationship!

Sounds like you're having a healthy relationship. I'm in the same boat but about 7 months in. Still see each other once or twice a week and message most days. It's lovely. No pressure, no arguments, really enjoy each other's company and massively look forward to seeing him. We've just booked a holiday for later in the year. We value each other's opinions and respect each other. I have no doubt it will be long term. Just don't get railroaded into something you're not comfortable with. Keep your own space and interests. Big declarations at an early stage are a no-no.

It looks to me little like you haven't had a healthy relationship but so what...none of us have. The trick is to realise you haven't and then try to fix that, which It already looks like your trying to do.

Our relationship after a month isn't quite 'normal' mainly because of me. We still haven't had sex because I was raped in my last relationship but I think I'm getting to the point where I want to have sex with him. I stay over night at his a lot though and we sleep in the same bed and do other stuff apart from sex. We go on dates a couple of times a week, talk everyday via text, and I think we are planning on having a short weekend away soon but just somewhere local-ish so we can have some privacy.

Not really normal but we're happy so thats all that matters.

Thanks, it really is interesting to hear other people's points of view. I am happy with it. It makes me feel happy. Which is weird because I didn't think I would ever feel like that again, I wasn't planning on trusting anyone again and I'm not there yet but I can see how I could maybe get there and the thought of letting someone in is scary. Good but scary.

Everyone is different take each day as it comes.
With my husband I was pregnant after a month(22 years ago nearly) but as I say everyone is different,have fun and be happy.xx

Oh and looking back @WhatALoadOfOldBollocks no he's exactly the right amount of available and so far has never made any comments which have made me concerned. In fact he's really impressed me with some of the things he's said (I haven't told him that!) Which just seem so far from what ExH was like. But I'm just wary about it all being a big act! I've been lied too so much I don't believe much of what anyone says any more unless they prove it by the way they act!