How do I stand up to this?

[Missmoodycow]

Hi! Can I ask lovely mumsnetter a for a bit of advice or some suggestions about how to deal with my girl friend's behaviour whilst out with my friends/family.
Basically she's lovely and can be very kind and generous but she seems to look down on me a bit EG if I'm telling her something she'll cut across me with something completely unrelated as if I was being really boring. She criticises my weight a lot too which is hard as I put on a bit of weight having our 18 month old dd and am struggling to lose it.
The thing is, friends and family think she's wonderful and that I've done really well for myself (she's much better looking than me) but I dread going out with her as she puts me down constantly in front of them some examples are:
Telling them I sit on my bum all day whilst she runs around doing everything in the house (not true, apart from cooking which she enjoys, she barely lifts a fingers)
Telling them I'm a bad mum and have no patience for dd.
Criticising my weight in front of them and saying ah-ah (like you do to a small child) if I reach for something she disapproves of.

If I try to stand up for myself though she either shushes me and tells me not to cause a scene in front of them
Or she tells them "see what I have to put up with, she's so moody!!"
They all laugh along with her and I feel isolated from my own friends and family.
I'm losing confidence from the constant criticism and put downs but how do I stand up to her without being told I'm a moody cow? Thanks for suggestions!!

[BorisTrumpsHair]

Is she only like this when you are out with your family?

What is she like at home?

[Missmoodycow]

She's worse with my friends and family, variable when we're alone, sometimes lovely but other times dismissive and critical, with her group of friends she's often really attentive and passes on nice things that they've said about me.

[springydaffs]

Perhaps you're a 'moody cow' bcs she's frying your head and heart.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Knowledge is power and all that. It's a brilliant programme, will get your head, therefore heart, straight in record time.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Your family are surely noticing what she is doing. Have you talked to them. I find it very awkward if one part of a couple is putting the other down in front of me so your family must feel this. Or are you always the butt of their jpkes and put downs too. Is this a habit your family has and she is now joining in? As for them thinking your lucky to have her. They should believe she is lucky to have you their dd.

[springydaffs]

My family certainly ' noticed ' my toxic ex schmoozing them - and they lapped it up. The lot of them enjoyed sneering at and putting me down. All done in a ' oh don't be sensitive /can't you take a joke' way.

That's when i finally got it I'd been brought up by/with a nest of vipers. Painful. But at least I knew what I was dealing with. Dumped ex and family (c/o a lot of therapy). It made sense why I'd chosen a toxic life partner.

[Whocansay]

It sounds like she's trying to isolate you by driving a wedge in between you and your close circle. I wouldn't give her the opportunity to do so again.

You are not a 'moody cow' by the way. Anyone would find this hurtful.

[wheresthel1ght]

Op she is an abuser. How will you feel if you stay and she starts behaving like this towards your daughter?

My ex husband was exactly as you describe your girlfriend to be. It took a heck of a lot of courage to walk away but I did and am happier than ever.

Please talk to womens aid, a closs friend or as others have mentioned look at the freedom programme. I wish I had known of its existence even I was being abused.

[rizlett]

Have you said that if she says something horrible you will leave and just go home? Is it possible for you to do that?

I know she will just say to the others something about it being daft that you are going but it might stop her doing it - if you did it every time? She sounds like a bully - maybe look up online how to manage bullies?

Or say something in a very calm manner every time she says something negative so she can't then accuse you of being moody. Like 'stop the negativity dp'.

[smithin]

She doesn't sound very nice to me. Maybe you should try couples counselling or think about if it is worth it to stay. Your self esteem is important too as well as the example you two are setting for your child.