Inspired by the thread about the DH offending the cousin and aunt who visited when newborn was 3 days old.
I am terrible at appropriately responding to poor behaviour. To give some background (I'll try keep it brief) DH has lost his parents and only has his siblings (in terms of family). A few years ago I was hit with a terrible illness but thankfully I am much better now. It's left health issues (major surgery removing organs) but thankfully I am able to manage mostly ok on a day to day level with peaks and troughs. (For the first couple of years I wasn't able to lead a normal day, was off work etc). I need to be quite vigilant with not over doing it and getting plenty of rest. Recently we have been blessed with a child. Over the moon and I am very thankful given my health. As expected , my health has taken a bit of a dive with all the demands of looking after a newborn. I have not recovered from
the birth (EMCS) as quickly as someone who is in good health but the medics are more than pleased with my progress given the history.
Dh's family have been really quite unsupportive. This is mostly related but not limited to my health.
Examples -
-Being negative about my appearance when I had the surgery a few years ago
-Not really understanding why the recovery was the way it was
- not appreciating the severity of it and implying that I should be back in full health when I clearly wasn't going to be given the nature of the illness/ surgery/ removal of organs
- making negative comments in general towards me
- keeping their 'nice' comments for DH only eg saying thanks for presents
- more recently the same sort of comments as above in regards to me getting a lot of help from my family with the baby (putting an expectation on me that I should be able to manage without them)
Given how rubbish things have been, and the way they have responded I have almost got into a rut where I swing from feeling that they live on another planet to feeling shit within myself for not being better health wise and for not being good enough for them (I know that sounds crazy)
I've always been the sort of person that just goes with the flow and gives people the benefit of the doubt. I really don't think all of it is malicious but more that they don't know how to behave. There is lots I could comment on to make them feel rubbish but it's just not in my nature (don't mean to sound like a goody two shoes and I'm in no way perfect but how sad is it that I almost want to start putting them down so they can see how horrid it is). Even something as simple as them showing me something they've bought, even if it's horrid I would never display that. I would just say it's nice and find something positive to say about it. I'm at the stage now where I don't say anything at the time of their ridiculous comments but afterwards kick myself silly for not reacting. And then I go overboard on the things I think I would like to say to them. I know that one day I'm Just going to flip and be very aggressive. Because of my passiveness I think they think that I don't mind and / or they can carry on the way they are so partly it's my fault for letting them get away with it for so long. They don't know it bothers me.
I've started reading 'feel the fear and do it anyway' and wondered if there was any advice/ any other books I could read which would help me build the confidence in myself to respond in a manner which shows them I can't be walked over, but by also keeping my credibility (if that's the right word). I just struggle with appropriate responses.
Apologies for the length.