Girlfriend slept with best friend before we got together...but not that simple

[ShaunMaloney]

Hey,

I'll try to keep this brief, but as the title says I have just found out my GF has slept with one of my best-friends before we started going out.

I know, that what happened before we were going out was in the past - and we all have a past but I feel this is slightly different.

To add some context - me and my GF got really close around a year ago. Admitting our feelings for eachother, talking about moving things further - and nothing physical happened. However I wanted to travel and it was the perfect opportunity, so I did for around 8 months. We left it on good terms and kept in touch regularly.

For my birthday, she sent me a card (I was in Melbourne, her in England) saying how much she missed me and she still loved me.

1 week after this she slept with my best friend.

Now moving to the present day, yesterday I found out that she had slept with my best friend. All of my other friends knew but somehow nobody told me. As soon as she realised I didn't know, she did tell me as it came up in conversion (the best friend she slept with is living in NZ now) with one of my other friends who realised she didn't know that I was not aware of it.

To say this came as a shock is an understatement and I really don't know what to do our feel.

I think 2 things bother me here.

1. Obviously, not knowing when all my other friends did hurts.

2. The fact she was saying how much she missed me then sleeps with one of my best friends just doesn't sit well with me.

_

As this recently happened, I am aware that I may not be thinking rationally. But am I right to feel annoyed and what should I do?

I don't think this should be a deal breaker (it was before we got together after all) but I feel there has been an element of trust lost.

Thanks for any advice,

Shaun.

You should have a problem with your best friend, after all he moved in when you weren't around and he should have loyalty to you.

However. Think about why you are friends. It may be that your similarities are what she found attractive and used him as a substitute for you. Some women find friends attractive because they will be similar types of people!

You did decide to leave for the best part of a year. What commitment or agreements did you have with her?

Ultimately, she was a single woman at the time. Get over it. Isn't she with you now?

Dude, I'm guessing from your post (I don't mean to be mean) that you're in your 20s, maybe your early 20s.

Here's the thing: This doesn't matter. It really, really, really doesn't matter. When you're older, you will look back at this and realise it didn't matter.

She had made no committment to be a nun while you were overseas and you were not her boyfriend. She had made no committment to you, either, though she clearly wanted to, and did when the opportunity arose.

She slept with your mate. She then stopped sleeping with your mate and, here's the really important bit - chose to be with you instead. She actively picked you. That's what matters.

You're not the one who should be insecure here. Your mate on the other hand was with a beautiful woman, and she decided, after that, "nah, your friend is who I want".

You're a lucky man. Don't let jealousy ruin your relationship, or you would stop being a lucky man and join the massed ranks of sad sacks who messed things up for themselves.

Good luck.

I'm quite amazed by some of these responses tbh and can't help but think it would be a very different story if a woman had posted saying that she had found out that her now DP had slept with her best friend whilst she was away whilst pretty much simultaneously telling her he loved and missed her.

I agree she has done nothing wrong, and of course as a single woman she could have sex with whoever she likes, but surely for most people there is a certain etiquette about who you do and don't sleep with? Which, incidentally, your best friend has quite spectacularly flouted as well!

I think there is an element here of posters jumping to the defence of a single woman's right to have a consensual sexual relationship with whomever they choose, and ignoring the context.

Of course your girlfriend had every right to choose to sleep with your best friend. That doesn't mean it's wrong for you to have an issue with their behaviour.

There are usually unwritten rules with friends, particularly best friends, and I wouldn't be happy at all with the pair of them:

Your best friend is not trustworthy.
Your girlfriend is shallow.

Hey Superking was his girlfriend supposed to be psychic? This was before they were in a relationship. Was she supposed to live her life as if they were in a relationship, even though they weren't?

She chose the OP. I mean, she actively chose him, and in the process rejected his mate.

Being angry at someone for betraying you when they were under no obligation to you is ridiculous.

And I'm a man, if that makes any difference, who would say the same to a woman in this situation.

She probably was extremely hurt that you left. Got close with you, confessed feelings and then you chose traveling over her. Was probably why she slept with your mate, like a rebound type thing, very hurt I expect. Probably kept fooling herself that you would not go. I think her having trust in you after that will be very difficult. You chose to go and leave, you left her, she might not of thought you'd even come back. She carried on with her life without you, she probably needed a mate and turned to him, slept with him big mistake. Of course she wrote to you that she still missed you and loved you, I am sure she did, even if it was a week after she slept with your best friend. Your best friend was not who she was in love with, she was in love with someone who left her to go traveling for 8mths
You think your the injured party? I feel she is?

Yes it is that simple and you need to fuck off.

You weren't together, you buggered off for 8 months. She sent you a card. Did you send her one back?

She slept with someone else.
Man up.

Honestly OP if found out my partner had done this to me I would cut and run.
Its not about what she did it's about who she did it with and the friend also would be binned.
If she did it because she was mad at you what does that say about her and what does that say about what she will do in the future if she's mad?
If she did because she thought hey-ho I'm single and I'll sleep with who I like, it still shows a lack of boundaries and a complete disregard for your feelings.
Your so called best friend I would never speak to again because out of all the people that should have told you what happened it should have been him.

Well maybe if you'd told her that you missed her too and was looking forward to making a go of it or in any way committing to her then she probably wouldn't have slept with anyone. You obviously didn't do that and you went on to sleep with other people so don't have double standards. It doesn't matter it's your friend or a stranger, you were away for a long time with no commitment and very likely to sleep with other people (which you did).

I am going to go against the grain here but I would be put off too OP. Obviously she could sleep with whoever she liked (as could you), but choosing your friend is a bit close to home and I wouldn't be able to feel blasé about that.

Agree you might want to ask MNHQ to remove your real name, millions of people come on Mumsnet, somebody might see this and identify you in real life.

If she did because she thought hey-ho I'm single and I'll sleep with who I like, it still shows a lack of boundaries and a complete disregard for your feelings.
Of course it doesn't. He left for nearly a year, didn't give any indication he wanted a relationship with her on his return, or saying that he would 'wait' until he got back. He then went on to sleep with a string of random strangers. Nice. She slept with one person who happened to be his friend. So noone in the world has ever had any relationship with someone because they knew their friends??? Ridiculous.

I would like to know the verdict if this post @Shaun. I am currently in the same boat. Would you have preferred her not say anything since this was before you?

You can't stay faithful to someone you're not with!

I can understand you not liking the fact that she's slept with one of your best friends, but neither of them have really done anything wrong. How was your friend to know that anything would happen with the two of you when you returned?

She may well have loved and missed you but you weren't an item and there was no guarantee you would become one.

I think your pride is hurt, it's not nice knowing that one of your friends has been intimate with your partner but it's really not that big a deal.

My husband slept with my best friend before we got together. At the time I had no idea that me and my husband would end up together. When we did, friend and I just had a bit of a laugh about it and it's never been mentioned since.

You can't change the past, nobody cheated. Don't make it into a big deal, you'll be the one that ends up regretting it if you do.

She's a shitty person for doing you like that,she knew you had feelings for her and she said she loved you yet get in bed with your best friend,that's nasty bro,if she truly had morals she would have screwed anyone but not your best friend. Better dump her that shit will ruin you