I know in my heart that my marriage is over. I don’t love him anymore. I’ve had a few previous threads where I got some really good advice. Its got to the point where I know I have to end things. I can’t risk my son being damaged by our relationship and for my own mental health I know its time.
He gaslights me. He says things then completely denies it, or says that I said things I know I didn’t. He rewrites history to suit his arguments. From relatively trivial things to larger discussions we have had about finances, he’ll deny a conversation took place if it suits him or on occasion concoct entire conversations to suit his mood. It feels completely pointless having discussions with him when our version of events are so different. I feel depressed and I know I should go see a doctor. I grind my teeth so bad in the night, due to the stress, that it gives me headaches every morning. I’ve started to feel anxious a lot, I have a tight chest and I feel like I need to go home and crawl into bed and never get up. Our conversations and arguments swirl around my head all day, I go over and over things trying to remember what I did or didn’t say. I wish I could record our discussions so I could replay them and see what really happened, am I too sensitive? Did I really say that? He is like a different person around other people. His friends would be so surprised to see how he acts around me when its just the two of us. I found that really confusing at first. I could never understand his mood swings….sometimes when talking to me on the phone whilst he was at work he would sound really nice, really friendly and like the man I fell in love with. But by the time he’d get home his mood would have completely changed. I used to wonder what had happened? Then it dawned on me one day that he works in an open plan office and everybody can hear his telephone conversations….nobody can hear him apart from me when we’re at home so why put on the pretence? He can be nice sometimes and that just makes it more confusing. He drinks too much which is another thing we argue about. Maybe his moods are linked to the drinking, I don’t know because although I’ve asked him plenty of times, he won’t stop binge drinking. I need to tell my parents which is going to be the hardest thing, I need their support but because I haven’t confided in them this will come as a shock. Up until the past 9 months or so I really thought we could fix things but now I don’t thing we can. I don’t know how things are going to work out with our living arrangements. He won’t move out, although he could afford to, he won’t. I can’t afford to and my parents live too far away for me to move to as I have to get my son to school. I feel so trapped and I just need to get this out somehow. I think the next thing I need to do is see a solicitor but even that feels like a massive hurdle that I can’t face….hand holding and advice appreciated on how I get through this?