Cant face sex!

[justcantdoit]

I know this problem has probably been done to death. But i'm feeling really low and just need some fresh reassurance.

Basically at this moment in time I could quite happily go the rest of my life completely celibate.

I know I love my dh, I just dont feel sexual in anyway and the thought of having sex really never occurs to me.

Dh is very understanding (a lot more then most men would be), but he still earns for the sex life we had before we were married and had kids. Where I would do it anytime anyway, several times a night.

We are both 26 and have been together for nearly 10 years.

In the last 5 years I have 3 kids (ages now 4.9, 3.7 and 8 months). Also between dd2 and 3 I was quite poorly. Was on mounds of medication and suffered depression as a result of my illness. Dh became my carer during that time as I could hardly do anything for myself.

Last year my parents split up and we had mum living with us for nearly a year. Dad was in and out of a mental hospital (tried to top himself) and it was a very tough year.

Also dh is in the navy, last year he was on course for a year and I only got to see him at weekends, so got used to being without him.

Finally, to top it all, dd3 is a very clingy baby. I am breastfeeding her and she seems to be very dependant on me (much more so then my other girls).

Sorry to write such a long OP, just trying to cover all the basis.

I have finally admitted to dh tonight how I really feel (all of the above), and he seems quite upset (not angry). He is afraid that I dont love him, or that I am falling out of love with him. He has had to go out for now, but seemed quite close to tears when he left.

I feel awful and kindda wish that I hadn't said anything to him now.

I dont know what i'm looking for from you guys. Maybe just a 'i've been there and..' would be sufficient.

Just need to talk really.

Thanx

Hi Justcan'tdoit, thought I would bump this up for you. Personally I feel that with three kids, one only being eight months , that would be enough to deaden some people's libido, never mind all the other difficulties you've been through. Seems to me you just need a lot more time. Hopefully your dh will continue to be understanding - if you keep being affectionate and talking, hopefully he will still have confidence in your feelings for him. HTH.xx

So have you not had sex since the birth of your 8 month old DC? I don't think that's long at all really, considering all of the extra problems and repsonsibilities you've ben enduring.
I had pnd after the birth of DD1 (now 5) and couldn't bear the thought of DH even holding my hand, brushing past me etc for 9 months. We finally had sex then and from then on it was fine. I just needed that time to come to terms with how I felt. After DS was born, it was only about 4 months but I wasn't suffering from pnd.
You've also had your DH being your carer and TBH, the role of him being your husband changed and you probably didn't see him in the same light (more of a father figure, whilst looking after you than a sexy DH).
Then, you had your mother living with you - so another responsibility and not feeling that you're completely on your own in your own home.
I'd talk to your DH once he gets home and explain that it's not forever (as I'm sure it won't be) but you both need to spend time alone regularly, get a babysitter, go on dates, forget about the rpessure of sex and go with the flow. Then one night, when you're not expecting it, you'll feel that sense of romance again and it'll all happen.
I sound like an agony aunt - don't I? It's just that I could have been you and thought I'd never want to touch my DH again. It did upset him and he still makes jokey comments like "like that time when we hadn't had sex for over a year" including pregnancy and when I had pnd. However, everything's cool again now and once he gets back from Afghanistan, I plan to focus even more on our relationship and plan more nights out together more regularly.
Also, there's probably the fear of getting pregnant again, which is putting you off, as you've had a hard time with pnd?
Sorry for waffling.

hiya,

it sounds like you have many things going on in your life
at the moment and alot of recent stresses, these things are bound to come first and sap your energy even without having 3 kids to look after.
It probably seems really overwhelming to you right now but i would try and give yourself alot of time and space, adding the pressure to have sex is'nt going to help or make you want to do it.
Are you and dh still affectionate apart from sex?
could you make more time for non sexual closeness?

really feel for you and hope your ok x

Hiya, thanx for your replies.

they've really helped. Dh and I have had sex since dd3 was born, but i can probably count on one hand and on some of thiose occasions I did it to make him happy, not coz I wanted to. And I dont think we've had sex this year yet (tho I could be wrong). The girls all had chicken pox after new year, whcih led to a chest infection in the baby and ear infections in the oldest, whilst the middle was suffering with glue ear. They're ok now but I remember not sleeping for nearly 2 months due to one or other of them being poorly. It was horrendous and really emotional for me. (i need my sleep)

Dh thinks that I need to go and speak to someone about it, get some help with it. I'm just kindda wandering how normal is it to feel like this?

Is it a sign that there is something physically (hormorne imbalance) or emotionally wrong with me? Or is it simply tiredness, due to being a mum of 3 kids under 5. Am I making it into a bigger problem then it is.

I feel sorry for dh and want to make things better for him. So just trying my best.

Re- Other types of closeness. I am ashamed to say that a lot of the time after a full day with the girls (they dont go to school/preschool.nursery etc). I am all cuddled out.

I have to remind myself that he needs affection too. I really am trying to make the effort to cuddle him more and tell him I love him more. I really feel he has the short end of the stick at the moment.

I did say to him that we need more nights out just the 2 of us. We dont do anything at the moment. Its our 6 anniversary next month so perhaps we should plan something for then.

Thanx again for all your help.

I'm not sure how helpful non-sexual closeness is in this sort of situation - me and my husband are very cuddly and affectionate, for example, but can still go for ages without either of us particularly wanting to get frisky (a whole other thread, but I do understand where you're coming from).

I think the important thing, as luciemule has pointed out and you've already agreed, is to try to make time for just the two of you if possible, to enjoy each other's company and rediscover some of why you got together in the first place, before you became parents.

You've done the right thing in confiding in your husband about how you're feeling - although it sounds like it's been a shock for him, at least he knows where you're coming from. As for how "normal" it is to have a loss of interest in sex after 3 kids in 5 years, the breakdown of your parents' relationship, your father's suicide attempts and mental health issues, your own chronic illness, and looking after a needy baby - I'd say you'd have to have a cast-iron libido if you weren't affected by any of that! Please don't give yourself a hard time about it, if only because sex shouldn't be a chore that you feel guilty about not doing regularly, like cleaning the oven or something.

You sound understandably low and tired after a very difficult time, and because of your low energy levels, you're seeing sex with your husband as another demand on you rather than something to be cherished. I'm sure that once life starts to get back on an even keel, your libido will perk up too.