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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marital rape???

47 replies

Think123 · 29/05/2017 08:25

A few mornings ago my Dh tried to initiate sex. I told him i did not want to. Then we had a fun chat and made jokes ect. Eventually we had to get up to take the DC to school. So my DH roles over the top of me, not unusual as i have to take my time hetting out of bed due to a minor health issue. He stops over the top of me then he pulls off my pants. This is the confusing part as i did nothing except put my arms over my fave and moved my leg so that my foot was on the floor. He then had sex with me. I wouldn't let him touch my breasts and he tried to move my arms once but i put them back. When he was finished i just rolled over and covered myself with the duvet.

I haven't spoken to him since and the 1st night i locked him out of the house. Since then he has been sleeping on the sofa.

I have some mental health issues and my DC are very vunerable at the minute.
Was this rape? Please help me i can't think straight.

OP posts:

Nancy91 · 29/05/2017 15:47

I have never been asked "do you consent to having sex with me?" Chatting and joking normally leads to it naturally. Maybe he misconstrued the situation.

Obviously you and him are the only ones that know what happened, and I hope he misunderstood and thought there was consent because if not, then yes it was rape.

TheSparrowhawk · 29/05/2017 15:50

FFS. What does a woman have to do??? Even when she explicitly says NO, there are still people trying to make excuses for the man. Why the fuck does this happen?

TheSparrowhawk · 29/05/2017 15:59

When I read these sorts of threads it horrifies to me to think how many women must be out there getting raped by their horrible bullying partners on a regular basis without even realising that they don't have to put up with that sort of treatment.

MNHQ

FlissMumsnet · 29/05/2017 16:02

Sorry to interrupt your thread, OP, we just wanted to remind everyone that we do not advocate victim blaming on Mumsnet.

Here's a link to our We Believe You Campaign www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted – please do have a read.

We will remove victim-blaming posts, so please do report any of these that you see, and we'll be happy to take a closer look.

HelenaDove · 29/05/2017 17:56

You were raped OP. Im appalled at the victim blaming around this subject and it seems to be getting worse.

differentnameforthis · 31/05/2017 11:22

Chatting and joking normally leads to it naturally. I was chatting to my (male) next door neighbour and he managed not to construe that as consent for sex....

Nancy91 · 31/05/2017 12:49

Differentname - I obviously don't mean every time you chat and joke it is consent, I think you're deliberately trying to misunderstand my post. I was saying that your husband is unlikely to ask "do you consent to sex with me?" before you do it. Flirting and messing about will lead to it. Especially if you are in bed together. I feel that it may have been unclear to the OP's partner that it was still a no, and perhaps he wouldn't have tried again if she had said she still didn't want to.

If the OP felt that he wouldn't have stopped regardless, then the husband is disgusting and the OP should contact the police.

TheSparrowhawk · 31/05/2017 14:29

So is it your view Nancy that if a person says no to sex, then jokes and chats with their partner, the partner can then assume that the no is now a yes?

Shoxfordian · 31/05/2017 14:49

Oh I see

It was still unclear it was a NO even though she explicitly said No because she had a nice chat with him afterwards

I suppose she should have got straight up and not spoken to him again in case he got any ideas.

Why is it so important to make excuses for the husband? Did he trip and fall in her vagina on his way out of bed?!

Consent is really not this nuanced unknowable difficult concept and it's obvious if someone is actively happily consenting to sex. In this case the OP was not.

Please stop excusing this rapist's behaviour

Nancy91 · 31/05/2017 16:07

I was trying to make a point that a "no" doesn't last forever. If my partner tries it on tonight and I say no, that doesn't mean he can never try again otherwise he is a rapist. Only the OP and her husband will know if he genuinely didn't think there was consent, none of us were there.

I won't be continuing this conversation as you are trying to put words in my mouth so you can argue with me.

Hope you are feeling a bit better now OP

Orlandointhewilderness · 31/05/2017 16:24

I think covering her face with her hands and not letting him touch her breasts was clue enough that she wasn't happy actually.

TheSparrowhawk · 31/05/2017 16:25

The OP was there, and as far as she was concerned, she had said no and she didn't want sex. Isn't that good enough for you? Or should we assume that she's lying?

And it's ridiculous to say that if your partner tries it on you say no he can never try again. You know full well that's not what happened here. The OP said no and minutes later her partner went ahead and had sex with her anyway.

TheSparrowhawk · 31/05/2017 16:41

I find it absolutely mind boggling that some people will argue, with a straight face, that a man can literally be on top of a woman and have no idea whether she is enjoying what's happening or not. Who are these men who are totally unable to see when someone they literally right next to is having a good time or not? And surely if they so incredibly dense that they go ahead and rape people without realising it, they should be very afraid of being around other people, in case they rape without meaning to?

Or perhaps, just perhaps, this guy knew exactly what he was doing. His wife had directly said she didn't want sex. She covered her face and her breasts. She was not enjoying what was going on. He didn't care. He just went ahead anyway. Because he's rapist.

Original poster

Think123 · 31/05/2017 16:45

It was a very short amount of time between me saying no and what happened. Just a few minutes. The chatting and jocking was in no way flirty ect it was just run if the mill stuff. He is completely ignoring me and hasn't said a single word to me. He is still sleeping on the sofa as i really need to consider what to do. I just feel numb. It is so difficult being half term and i feel like i have let my DC down because i just have nothing left to give and im finding functioning very difficult.

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 31/05/2017 17:09

I'm sorry things are so bad Think. Has he said anything at all about what happened?

Original poster

Think123 · 31/05/2017 17:31

No he hasn't said a single word to me. Luckily he is at work a lot so it is just me and the DC most of the time.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 01/06/2017 13:02

I find it absolutely mind boggling that some people will argue, with a straight face, that a man can literally be on top of a woman and have no idea whether she is enjoying what's happening or not. Exactly! My dh can tell if I am enjoying it/up for it or not in the middle of the night, with the lights off..I don't even have to utter a word!

That this was in the morning, and the op had already said no, and that she was covering her body from his touch, leave no doubt that her signals were absolutely clear!!

OP, the kids will understand. Just say you aren't feeling great! Once your head is as straight as it can be, you can make it up to them.

Sentmeamonkey · 01/06/2017 13:22

I think the fact he is sleeping on the sofa and not spoken to you, is a sign that he knows he raped you. Hope your ok op.
You need to tell him to leave.

pleaseromainecalm · 01/06/2017 18:56

I'm so sorry to hijack this thread, I have name changed and was going to post a new one but unfortunately I see this is here. Unfortunately as in, why should we have to ask??

I also have a grey area. Two years ago I was very drunk, and having sex with my ex-husband. We were standing in the shower, he was behind me. He, erm, proceeded to have very painful anal sex with me, whilst I was screaming for him to stop. He didn't stop. Kept saying you love it you dirty bitch.

He totally raped me, right? I've been quite open and telling people he did, but sometimes I'm just unsure.

Covfefe · 01/06/2017 19:57

Please, yes that is. I'm so sorry. I think you need to start your own thread and get any support you need.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 02/06/2017 01:15

You need to speak either Women's Aid/Rape Crisis or the police.

To the outside world he presents 'Dr Jekyll' but behind your bedroom door he reveals his 'Mr Hyde' persona.
He will do it again, OP, please report him to the police.

RhythmAndStealth · 02/06/2017 01:55

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