WWYD - Had an EA

[MumsBiscuits]

Married 6 years, happy at first but soon v unhappy, my husband has narcissistic tendencies and is an emotional abuser on occasion. I guess i knew this when i married him but thought i could live with it.

Ashamed to say I had an emotional affair which turned physical once. OM msgd me almost daily & I thought about him all the time. I was in a fog constantly.

But recently OM got himself a girlfriend. He said hoped we could carry on but i think he just didn't want to end it. So stupid as i am married after all... but I felt dropped from a great height - barely any msgs and he didn't even tell me himself about girlfriend. So I am trying to end it & tell him to concentrate on his new relationship. He says he still has feelings for me making it harder for me.

Deep down i am bereft but can't show it. I am ready to be flamed and know it's all my own fault. I felt like i couldn't make any decisions about my marriage with OM on the scene cause i felt so guilty. We have 2 kids so decisions are far reaching. I know i should try repair my marriage but right now i don't have any enthusiasm. Will this change?

I'm not surprised you don't have enthusiasm to work on your marriage. It's pretty much impossible when there's emotional abuse involved.

OM sounds like a tool, telling you he has feelings for you as well as having a girlfriend. As if ge's trying to gave his cake and eat it. I think you should completely cut contact with this manipulative individual, leave your abusive husband and get some of your self respect back. Emotional abuse only gets worse and is not something to be handled or put up with. I know this is easier said than done but this situation is destroying you.

If it turned physical it wasn't an EA, was it, it was an affair.

Unlike a lot of posters, I'm not going to shout at you and flame you. Nobody enters a marriage intending to have an affair.

But you're being very cruel to your husband and kids. I'd suggest you sit down and have a good think about whether you want to be in your marriage or not. If yes, then start working on it. If no, then leave.

This other man is not available to you. He is not an option. You have two options - work on your marriage or leave.

Some people will tell you to tell your husband everything. Don't do that. Yeah, he might "deserve to know", but all you're going to do is hurt him and achieve absolutely nothing positive for anyone.

I can't tell you which option to take, but I can tell you you're wasting your time if you're not focused on the only issue that matters.

If you are unhappily married then leave

If your dh is truly abusive, as opposed to this being a convenient label you have retrospectively ascribed to him to justify your shitty behaviour, then you need to take steps to leave.

How awful for your dh to see you pining for om, feeling your distance, knowing the temperature of the marriage has changed but not knowing why.

And actually, why are you pining for om? He got into something with a married mother and thought you were pathetic enough to keep it going even after discovering he was in a new relationship. He started a new relationship fully intending to cheat on her with you. He is not a prince among men is he?

Thanks for the replies, I really expected much more of a flaming.

I know there's NO excuse for my behaviour. None. The replies are helping me take a step back and focus. I don't believe it is a label that I've conveniently given DH although I can see why it would construed that way.

Despite the large dose of common sense I am struggling to get OM out of my head but I am truly working on it. I never should have let him take up any head space.

I know i need to distance myself from this whole mess and consider the future of our marriage.

No it wasn't an EA you had sex with the guy so it's an affair, not a good start by trying to minimise your actual behaviour.

You need to leave your horrible husband and let this other guy get on with his relationship; if it was true love then why are you not together, why not leave your horrible husband and be with him, what's the problem?

A man that can happily shag a married woman with two kids and then take up a gf without your knowledge is neither good or worth having; he just wants to shag around simple as that.