Is it abuse(ive)? Or does his condition mean it's not? Or is it not anyway?

[SurfacingTrunk]

My DP has Aspergers. It was undiagnosed until recently. I've read lots about it, he's read bits - so he sort of gets how impacts him and us, but not fully and doesn't seem interested in a)finding out or b) finding out how my brain works. Before I go on, I'm not saying everybody with Aspergers is like his or that this issue below is because of the Aspergers, I just don't know what to think so I'm including that he has Aspergers, because it MAY be a factor.

So I'm realising now how he doesn't listen to me. We have conversations, reach an agreement on things and then at some point in the future (days, weeks, months) he'll deny saying whatever he did. Deny even having the conversation. This can be for practical issues like him going on a work trip or not, or smaller family issues, or emotional things. There are times when I'm talking, say about a plan for the weekend, and two minutes later he asks me what we're doing at the weekend. The denial isn't usually of any benefit to him. He genuinely can't remember.

Recently his mother was here. She's nice, we get on. He had some very big (very bad) news to tell her that involves me and didn't want to do it. I offered to do it and was told no way. Fine, she's his mother. But then I had 10 days of essentially lying to her, because she doesn't know. After she left, I told him how uncomfortable it made me, how I really hated doing that (in clear, unemotional language). Four days later he's suggesting that we go to stay with his DSis and DBIL when his parents are visiting them! He's still not planning on telling any of them this news either before or during that visit. Like being on my own territory with one relative wasn't bad enough, he wants us to go and stay with them all and have me (and him) lie by omission to them all.

This is one example and it's so big that it's made me think. Sometimes I'm feeling like I'm being gaslighted (and I grew up in a gaslighting household), sometimes downright ignored. I felt like I was going crazy for ages. But he's not manipulative, he doesn't think like that and I've never seen him, ever be manipulative (he's usually too honest if anything - apart from in this situation where he's very afraid of telling them, which is what makes me think).

What is going on?! I'm at a total loss.

shox nails it

It's irrelevant whether he plans it, or if its innate.

He does it.
You hate it

He cannot or will not change
( if its the ASD then he can't change because he can't see it, or he just enjoys being an arsehole to you)

You are incompatible.

Sorry but I think you should move on.

It's not that easy to move on. The person isn't deliberately ignoring your needs, they can't see them. If you tell them, they may struggle to see how important they are. My DH is always right. So I can't do something he disagrees with, because it would be silly, because he's right. Obviously. Grr.

You make some good points Shox, there is never an excuse for abusive behaviour/actions.
Sadly, however, for those of us who have come late to a diagnosis/understanding of AS, there will be a massive history. It's not generally clear cut and it can take decades to work out what is going on. The effects of living with someone with AS are insidious and pervasive. If posters aren't already familiar, have a google of the Cassandra effect or Ongoing relationship trauma.

Recognising it has really helped us...

Having AS does not give your partner a licence to behave hurtfully.

Ask yourself if he is as invested in making the relationship work as you are - or are you the one doing all the compromising and reasoning and forgiving?

Are you in fact looking for reasons to "explain" his behaviour so you can continue to tell yourself it's not abusive?

Mysterycat23, you are right. It doesn't give him such licence. It is likely that the OP's partner is invested, as is she. Unfortunately, the ways in which he perceives the world and the way that she, as a neurotypical, sees it, are fundamentally different. So the investment is laid down in different ways.
And by god, it feels abusive. It is soul destroyingly difficult to find the right ways to communicate, to get heard, get seen. Getting a diagnosis can be the first step to understanding the many, often tiny, ways in which AS manifests itself within an intimate relationship and thus explain what is going on. It may lead to decisions to further understand and find a way through or to separate. Neither option is easy. Please have a look at adult Aspergers.Have a read up about it. Women (and some men) who live within such relationships are woefully under supported and need people who 'get it'.

Thanks everybody and sorry to hear about others in similar situations.

FWIW I read a good book called Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Aspergers by Eva A Mendes. It's specifically on the relationship dynamic between AS and non-AS partners. She calls Cassandra Syndrome Affective Deprivation Disorder. My life is basically every chapter of that book.

But there's nothing that can solve the problem long term. We are incompatible, as someone above said.

It's lovely to read this thread. No one has come on and accused us of being disablist, or said that ASD is no excuse for being a jerk. It's refreshing to be able to talk about it.

I don't want to leave my husband. I have decided I can live without those elements of a relationship that we do not have. What we do have is security, loyalty, reliability...

I honestly think he would struggle terribly without me. His hoarding tendencies and isolation would probably overtake him. I have primed the children (17&21) to keep an eye on him, what to look for, and how to access help should he/they need it.

What will you do, Trunk? It sounds as though you are going to make changes.

That's an excellent book Surfacing. I think Maxine Aston calls it something similar too. No one can truly know what is going on within each individual relationship and why some stay and some go. What perhaps is important, is that you start putting your needs first and take steps to getting some of them met. None of this is black and white, especially if the partner is essentially a good person. Take your time to do what is right for you.

Pickle actually you've summed up the situation to a T.
"It's not that easy to move on. The person isn't deliberately ignoring your needs, they can't see them. If you tell them, they may struggle to see how important they are. My DH is always right. So I can't do something he disagrees with, because it would be silly, because he's right. Obviously. Grr."

I've told him I want a divorce. He's asexual and I'm not. But he cannot understand why I have any problem with not having sex (or any physical or emotional intimacy) for years. He can't understand why I would want to divorce. For him it's akin to him telling me he wants a divorce because of apple pie: completely nonsensical. He does seem to have heard me this time though.

I've called him DH in my posts because he is. The divorce hasn't "started" yet. I love him and we get on pretty well and are good co-parents when you take out the big part of our relationship that's left me struggling daily and he doesn't understand (or notice that I'm struggling, despite telling him over and over - and despite both of us seeing psychologists). It's heartbreaking. All of it.

He still thinks I'm ruining our children's lives over something pointless (lack of sex and intimacy).

This is a v big dripfeed, and my apologies. . I held back because I was worried about being attacked along the lines of "divorcing because he has Aspergers/ASD". While it definitely plays a part, I don't think there's anything "wrong" with people with Aspergers, or right with people who think like me, it's just a different way of looking at things. However, that hasn't stopped some pretty harsh online attacks in the past. So far the thread is very understanding.

And tbh I'm pretty beaten down by all this already. Someone upthread said I was a doormat. It's horrible to read, because I like to think I'm strong, but true. It was a very, very difficult thing to tell him I want a divorce. I've tried in the past but he just ignored me. Totally, because he didn't want one and what he wants/thinks is always right. To him I was just being silly and emotional. My crying was just some weird thing I did, not a sign of deep, deep distress that could only come from a deficit in my character.

Strength doesn't always come in grand gestures Surfacing. In the situation which you describe (and I completely understand), it comes in the myriad, day to day, actions and thoughts of managing to be with someone who just doesn't see/understand what you are/do. Whilst being made to feel silly and unimportant for having different needs. (It's like being disappeared in plain sight). That takes enormous strength and resilience. And you've had enough. It takes strength to recognise and acknowledge it. Time to look after you.

Bless you.

I once told DH that if he wasn't more supportive, we would need to split up as I simply couldn't manage anymore. (I was having therapy for depression and anger. The therapy helped me hugely, though strangely I hadn't identified DHs contribution at that point.) He said 'that's a shame, I suppose we'd better split up then'.

In some ways I wish we had. Instead I learned to live without all the missing things. I was happier when I stopped waiting for him to show affection, intimacy, attention...It killed off the rest of the relationship though, but I don't think he has really noticed.

I'm a bit pushier these days. I don't wait around for it to be my turn to be looked after, or to get to choose. I insist and demand. It isn't romantic, but better than fading away!

And YY to everyone being mainly supportive so far. It's hard to express without getting lynched!

I'm sure what we are experiencing isn't the whole truth for lots of NT ND couples, but it is our truth.

Thanks White and Pickle - I was expecting to get trashed for that massive drip!

I wish you didn't know what I am talking about, but it's also reassuring that you do.

Some days it feels too much to handle. And it makes it worse to know he loves me.