Please help me not text my ex / see that it will get better

[winterlyas]

A week ago I split up from a 3 year relationship.
He cheated on me the day after we had an argument; nothing big, just bickering that got out of hand. Said it made him realise how shit our relationship was, basically. Our relationship wasn't shit at all but I think it makes him feel less guilty for what he did. We were moving in together in a few weeks, I'd just accepted a job close to our new home (which I now can't take as it's too far from where I will be now), I'm going on holiday now with my mum instead of him in a week.

My life's fallen apart. I am just still so devastated and heartbroken. I loved him beyond belief and I feel like I'm still in shock at everything. I thought I was doing well but went out with friends last night and had to come home when I'd had a bit too much to drink, cause I started crying and couldn't stop. I texted his friend pouring my heart out and she didn't reply. I feel so stupid :(

He is basically in the midst of what seems like a bit of a breakdown right now. He's the most charismatic, happy, friendly guy ever and apparently for the last week has been standoffish, rude, barely spoken to anyone, clearly feels like shit/feels guilty for what he's done, but he's refusing to even speak to me anymore or reply to my texts because he "can't handle" my pain and he has to "do the right thing" by letting me go now, I think. Says I don't deserve him so he's shut himself off from me completely, which is making everything so much more painful. I've seen him have this type of breakdown before where he closes in on himself and pushes loved ones away, but it's never lasted this long. I wanted to forgive him and move on but he wouldn't let me. I am so beyond worried I've lost him forever :(

I don't know what to do, I keep just wanting to text him and today been struck by the idea I could go round and see him but he's made it clear he doesnt want to see me. Help me please MN :(

He panicked at the idea of moving in with you. He needed a way out.

Please listen to what he is saying. Accept what he is telling you and leave him alone.

Aw I'm sorry you're struggling OP :( break ups are just awful. There's no answer really - just try and keep busy with your mum and friends. Having a cry and feeling rubbish is fine, infact I'd be worried more if you weren't. Let yourself feel sad and pass through it - it WILL happen.

Try to keep yourself busy if you can. Go see your mum or a friend. Be in company who can support you. I think he has panicked too. He doesn't want to speak to you because it will remind him of how he has behaved. If you message him you will only regret it later. Maybe switch your phone off or go out without it for a few hours. Xx

My wise mother said to me many years ago when I was going through a similar really difficult breakup and was devastated

"Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you"

Those words have stayed with me ever since. You want and deserve a man who would never let you go, who would never consider cheating and someone who wants to be with you and you only! Do not sell your self short.

That old cliche time is a great healer really is true. You'll come through this in time and become a stronger person.

I know it's hard but going no contact really will help you move on quicker in the long run.

Cry on your friends and family, allow yourself to be down. Little by little day by day you'll realise you start to feel more like your old self.
Be kind to yourself.

Someone once told me to, "have a conversation with my future self". It's not easy but it is really good advice. Basically, we all act for instant gratification, to make ourselves feel immediately better. Try and think of yourself in six months time, a strong independent woman. Every day will get easier, I promise x

It's not helpful to think of this as him having a 'breakdown' This suggests a mental health issue that he has no control over. Reframe this in your mind: he has chosen to behave like this, to betray me, leave me and hurt me.

Leave the bloke alone. His words are all the motivation you need

No words of wisdom I'm afraid, because I'm in a similar place. Just to say you're not alone, don't feel like you are.
Take care

Crikey he sounds like an ex of mine from years ago. Has he said, "It's not you, it's me" yet?
Took me about a year to get over the twat but now I look back and realise what a pompous arse biscuit he actually was.
You deserve better. Give it time and you'll find it.

Thank you everyone. I hope you're all right and it does pass in time. I was just struck by the urge to see him earlier.

Mylittlepony, that helps, thank you. I don't think I would be happy being with him again after this but I just want the comfort :(

What I cannot understand is his behaviour now. Why closed in on himself, why is he so upset/sad (which I must say is very very different to his usual behaviour and he normally doesnt let emotions affect him at all) if he didn't want to be with me anymore? I see how classic it is that this happens just before we are due to move in together; perhaps he was scared or had cold feet or whatever and that's why this happened. But surely he would be relieved now. Not sad. I don't know.

Sorry thethoughtfox, I didn't think of it as offensive! It was poor choice of words. It does help to see that he is choosing to behave like this. I've seen it happen before where he closes in on himself and pushes people (me) away/destructs things, hurts people, etc. I find it very odd because it's so far from his 'usual' self.

From what you have written, the bickering and his pushing you away intermittently, it appears that he may have had certain boundaries all along regarding his commitment to you. He was not "all in" even though his charismatic, happy, friendly demeanor lead you to believe otherwise.

The hot-cold dynamic is not good. It is not good long term and it is not good short term. This was the main clue regardless of the explanations, excuses, or good hearted justifications for you to put up with it. You need to establish your own boundaries. Do not ignore those stab in the heart moments- that is a ping on your self esteem and mental health. It is a fine thing that you are concerned for his mental health; but don't sacrifice yours in the process. That may sound selfish, but you really do need to look out for your self and that is the good kind of selfishness.

His lack of commitment to following through with your plans (as well as the hot-cold dynamic) places this relationship into the negative category.
You are better off with embracing a blank slate and getting to know yourself again (instead of deferring to his choices and circumstances).

It was said on another thread recently, sorry I forgot who wrote it, but don't cling to the wreckage. (The wreckage is only going to sink.) Swim away, and as Dory says, Keep swimming!

I've seen it happen before where he closes in on himself and pushes people (me) away/destructs things, hurts people, etc. I find it very odd because it's so far from his 'usual' self

This is him..its how he reacts to situations, which is very unhealthy.The nice guy is the outward face he shows most people.

I suspect his failure to deal with his emotions in a healthy way means he's not able to build long term relationships.

You have dodged a bullet, be grateful you had not invested more (such as finances or children). Mr Nice Guys are very easy to fall for but often hide their negative emotions which then build up and they just leave or shut off completely.

So painful less than one week in but it sounds like the relationship just wasnt right enough for him to commit to next stage (living together). I believe that a minor row was a device to engineer a big split. Maybe it is too hard to say "look i was happy coasting but i dont want to put roots down with you".

Time does heal. The future letter is a good idea. You will wish you hadnt texted him. Stay strong and dont do it. Because the 'you' that gets over this will wish you hadnt texted.

What you're all saying definitely resonates. It was hot and cold, and there probably were other signs that the commitment was intermittent. It hurts but I don't think I meant the same to him what I meant to me :( I was a 'rebound' relationship too, very quick off the back of someone else he'd planned a life and future with. So I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised at the cheating. He didn't cheat with me but it was very quick after.

I might actually write a future letter to myself, maybe six months from now, I'm not sure. When all the facts are laid down I know I'm so much better off. He is lazy, selfish, hurtful, lashes out at me when he's in pain, has a history of pushing away/hurting loved ones. I know I don't want that long term.

That's actually how I feel. I feel as if his feelings for me were never as strong and he didn't want this so lashed out by cheating probably because it was the best way to hurt me and keep me away. Though we had a near breakup experience at the beginning of the year where he begged me to stay and pleaded how great we were together to me. It's all very baffling, really, but I think he is a man who acts on impulse, acts selfishly. I try so hard to search for reasons for the behaviour but there hardly ever are other than he just felt like it.