Can we survive a double life

[numbandlost]

Name changed for this.
I have just found out that last year my partner was having an affair it is over now I know that for sure and things have been going great for us at the moment.
I'm not sure what I even want to say I feel numb got pins and needles.
Feel like I'm in shock. Can a relationship survive something like this? Do I even want it to?
Guess I just want a hand hold

Thank you for the link i will have a look when the boys are in bed!
In a way I wish I'd never found out because everything was going so well we were in such a good place and then I found out that happened last year!
Right now I feel drained I haven't really done anything at all but I feel so drained and tired so going to try for an early night and then I've made plans with my mum tomorrow to keep us all busy!

Thanks maras2 hopefully I will come across some of their advice!
Yes he is diagnosed and is prescribed medication but getting him to take it is another story!

I'm not sure what relationship you have with your parents, but please do not be embarrassed to talk to them. I would be upset if my children felt they could not ask for help - you need support

As well as what he did to you, he also lied to this girl and told her he was single. There's something deeply troubling about a man who lies about something to get sex he knows he wouldn't get if he told the truth.

And he was telling some massive lies to you.

I think for me one of the worst things about infidelity is that you take other people's choice away. You lie so so they can't make decisions for themselves. And he was doing that to both of you. So that he could have his cake and eat it.

How did you find out? Did he volunteer the information, or did you find out and he admitted it? That would make a difference to how I would feel.

Madcatwoman my mum and dad are amazing we have a great relationship however they are fiercely loyal as am I and I feel like when I tell them that will be that for them they'll wash their hands of him and I just don't feel ready for that just yet!

Mrsterrypratchet you are so right and I know that she is extremely upset because she didn't have a clue, she said it's been over a while but is very upset that she'd been lied to and said he is dead to her and she doesn't want any further contact in any form and doesn't want me to contact her again either which I guess is fair enough she hasn't done anything to me it's him!!

Blossomdeary I had suspected something a while back and he denied denied denied but last night after a few drinks he finally just admitted it! He then panicked and tried to backtrack and minimise it but then it all came tumbling out! I then contacted her to make sure he was telling the whole truth and it appears he was however she didn't give me too much information!!

I'm in bed now starting to feel tearful! I feel exhausted but not sure how I will sleep! Thank you everyone for your support I wasn't sure how I was going to cope today on my own but you've got me through it!!

Have you got something light to read. Or Netflix?

Just found some in the bedside table I usually grab a few from the re use shop. Funnily enough one is called how to lose a husband and gain a life guess I'll start with that!

People on here usually recommend reading Not Just Good Friends by Shirley Glass

It's a sign

I hope you get some sleep. 😴

So really, he took some time out of your relationship to see how he felt about the other woman; then came back to you? Making you the fall-back woman? The one on the back burner to go to if the other relationship did not work out. The slime!

I actually slept really good last night and woke up still a bit numb but to be honest I feel a bit relieved! I suspected something had happened but never any evidence just a gut feeling but now that I know I wasn't just being crazy it's actually a bit of a relief!

Most people who suffer from mental health problems go to the dr, not go out and repeatedly shag someone else.

Don't let him use his mental health problems as an excuse for what he done!

Your relationship can survive if you want it to. It'll take a lot of hard work and honesty, but it can work out

It's all hit me this morning I'm angry I'm upset I'm paranoid I feel sick! I want to hate him but I don't! I want to hate her but I don't it's not her fault!
Yes you're so right! He should have let go of his stupid male pride and admitted his depression years ago when it started instead of it turning in to this! Even when he finally admitted it and got prescribed meds he still wouldn't take them and when he did he'd take them for a week or two and give in again! Not that mental health is an excuse but maybe if he'd just been big enough to do the right thing! Instead he is a coward a liar and a fucking awful person yet I still don't hate him and I hate myself for it!!!

Nothing wrong with how you are feeling. You weren't prepared for this. You are all over the place. It's a day at a time but seek professional help if you think you need it.

As an aside, do you have a problem with your . option? I only see you using ! and it's exhausting.

Love and hate aren't massively relevant to your situation, although it probably doesn't feel that way.

Your decision is about how badly you will allow yourself to be treated. That decision should not be affected much by whether you love or hate the person mistreating you.

Love isn't a get out of jail free card for bad behaviour.

Sorry I have been told how annoying my use of the ! Is and it's a really bad habit.
I am currently trying to forgive him but his attitude seems to be that I've said we can try work on it so I should just get on with it and forget what's happened and never bring it up again. It just feels so fresh still even though we are a few weeks down the line.
It feels like we are back to him calling the shots and I have just lost total control again and feel back to being scared of loosing him. I'm miserable am constantly on egg shells and feel total out of control of my own life.

Sorry OP but overcoming an affair involves full disclosure and full remorse. If he wants you shut up about it he needs to leave. You will feel better if you take back some control in all this.

I am currently trying to forgive him but his attitude seems to be that I've said we can try work on it so I should just get on with it and forget what's happened and never bring it up again.

Er - no, it doesn't work like this. All this does is make him feel better, not you. Of course he doesn't want to be reminded of how badly he has behaved. You need time and to be able to revisit, talk and ask questions - to which he should be giving full, honest and resentment-free replies. He has known about this for a year(?) whereas you have only just found out.

That he is expecting this of you shows that he is not really sorry - just sorry he got found out. He has no right to be calling the shots.

Our emotions always seem to lag behind our thoughts though - you may find that in a little while you don't love this selfish man as much as you thought, and with that will come freedom from eggshells.

I was about to say that you are at the start of a very long road, so although people do get through an affair and even claim to be stronger for it, don't expect to get to anywhere near knowing if that's right for you for some time. You need time to work through the shock, the grief, time for the rest of the truth to come out (because yes there will be more) and above all time to really think through whether you want to go down the route of even trying to rebuild what will always now be a very different relationship - and almost certainly NOT a better one.

Then I read this:

I am currently trying to forgive him but his attitude seems to be that I've said we can try work on it so I should just get on with it and forget what's happened and never bring it up again.

If this is how he thinks, take a massive short cut and dump him now. Because that can't work - not ever.

He doesn't get to be in the driving seat.
He doesn't get to dictate how YOU work through this.
He doesn't get to set timescales for YOU coming to terms with any part of the process.
It will NEVER be forgotten, it quite probably won't ever be forgiven so if that's where his head is at - tell him not to bother.
If you are ever to get through it, the very first thing he needs to understand is that that can ONLY happen through TALKING - fucking LOTS of talking.

But honestly with someone who is already coming out with this shit after only a couple of weeks - I'd move on from him.

Just wanted to thank everyone for all their amazing supportive advice.
I am starting to feel stronger and angrier which I'm hoping is a good thing.
Although I do not feel in a place where I can leave right now I have started putting plans in place to get myself In a better situation and reaching out to friends.
I am meeting an old friend for a drink next week and am thinking maybe it is time to finally open up to someone and be honest and admit what the hell is going on in my life!