Around two weeks ago I made my abusive partner leave. I say I did, in fact social services and the police did, but the outcome is the same. I no longer have any means of contact with him and he legally cannot harass me anymore. Obviously I've had a range of emotions including; relief, grief, guilt, happiness, excitement, resentment, self hatred, loneliness and sadness. I expected this though, I expected feel happy and free one second then be a sobbing mess the next.
But some things are happening that I didn't expect which is making feel like I'm sick and wrong. I miss it. And I don't mean the good times, I do miss them but that's normal. I'm missing the abuse? It's like I'm craving that feeling of being put down, the fear of being hurt and the humiliation of being sexually abused. I find myself daydreaming or actually dreaming of these horrendous things that used to make me cry and yet now I'm craving them. I feel lost because I haven't got anyone telling me what I can or can't do. It's like I've never functioned without it, like I've forgotten how to be normal. I'm so worried that it's seriously broken me, that this is who I am now.
The children are far happier now and I feel I have more time to spend with them which I love! So I immerse myself in them to keep my positivity up and keep reminding myself that I've done the right thing, but there are times I don't even feel like I should be around them, everything that I thought was normal has been turned upside down and I'm questioning everything I do even when playing with the children.
I don't know if this is normal or what I should do